Depressed and 19

I'm 19. I live at home. I got saved last year in January. I firmly believe that if you let crap enter your mind, crap will come out. I find myself depressed over little stuff. Look under my eyes, you can tell that I don't get much sleep. My home is not the best, but it's shelter. My father is not the best, but at least he's around to talk to. Being fat lowers my self-esteem a whole lot. I've said before that people don't look at the personality. I realize that everyday, and it is depressing. I'm at a community college while my little sister is going to Clemson. That thought pops in my mind all the time. My mom and sister keep telling me that I'm not ugly. That the right girl will come along. Looking in the mirror, I have a hard time believing that. 

I've always been the "black sheep" of my friends. I never really felt like I was "in." I felt more like the safe guy meaning that they knew I was there, but I didn't really matter. Want to know why I make video and voice blogs? To get accepted. To try to get people to like me. Does my sister have this problem? Nope. Did my brother have this problem? Probably not. So, I guess, I'm the black sheep in my family. I don't know if people feel sorry for me or not. Some where inside of me, I want people to feel sorry for me. Just thinking about it, I spent most of my childhood crying. I would come home and take it out on my little sister and mouth off to my parents. I was a true definition of a follower. I play drums, but I definitely ain't the best. The only reason I get to play at church cause there's no one else there. That's the bottom line. I go to District Choir rehearsal and I never want to play cause I know I suck. I let the Supertindent's son have at it cause I know I would ruin the whole thing. Every time I play for the District or a large crowd, I choke. I don't know why I just lose what little touch I have. 

Think I'm being to hard on myself? Ok then, how bout this. One day I was at a State Youth Choir rehearsal, and the drummer that was playing had to leave. He gave me the sticks and got on the drums. I did aight. Definite not state youth material by any means. The song I filled in for was a slow song. Which was wanting to be played a little faster so the choir could get it, but I just could push myself to do it. The piano player got on me about it and I used some wacked-out excuse about this is the first time I've really played with musicians. Which is not all together true. So after that song was over, they went to an upbeat song that I didn't know to save my life. After about 5 seconds the director stopped the song and said, and I quote "I need a drummer." I handed the sticks to another brotha that was up there and he straight up killed it. the director then said, and I quote, "We got 2 drummers." I was, once again, the odd ball out. Nobody even cared or even noticed but me. 

Of course Dad tried to build me up saying I did a good job and all that. None of my so called friends could see behind the smile sometimes. Most of the time you would find me sitting or standing by myself. I had the mindset where if people didn't bother me, I didn't bother them. Still do that now as a matter of fact. I stand outside waiting on whoever's picking me up with my headphones, by myself. I have no one at Tech I can truely call friend. It's the honest truth. I don't. I don't know why I'm typing all this. Prolly because this is the only way I can make myself heard. People never really listen to you when they judge you before hand. Anybody else has ever been through that? So that's why I type these blogs. It's my voice. My voice to the people, so to speak. 

I want to be accepted for who I am. I want to be more "outgoing" so to speak. I would love to be my true self out in public and take this depressed mask off. I want to sing in public and not sound shaky. I want to sing in public and let people know what I can do. I want people to know that I can do things. I do have a soft heart and I am sensitive. Sue me. That's just who I am. Want to know why I truly grew my hair out? Cause people actually liked me. I was, even for a little bit, accepted. The reason I wore my hair out all the time is because for a brief time, I was popular. It's the God's honest truth. I hate being the loser you know? I really do. Don't feel sorry for me. I don't deserve it. I'm a complete jerk. Heh...well dang. I'm a jerk. It's a trip ain't it? You think you know me...