I've actually been working on this new blog for months now, but I could never get it to come together. So if this gets posted, then obviously I could get my thoughts together in a way that it made sense enough to post something. If this works, to God be the glory.
Since the last post I've started a new job. While on this job I sometimes zone out to some music that's playing in my head to try to keep my emotions in check. To try to keep that low self esteem in check. Sometimes it works. On two occasions it didn't. The first occasion, I was getting into my own head. I was being told what to do by literally everybody but the person who is supposed to tell me what to do. I felt like I was being pulled in every direction but the right one. Even by the person in charge. I would openly vent, not knowing or even caring who heard me. When I didn't vent, that's when I would zone out to that musical space. But one shift I couldn't take it anymore. I stopped trying to fight the tears. They just started coming down my face. I did my best not to be seen. I turned my head from my co workers and would try to wipe my face fast so no one would ask. Sure enough, know one asked what was wrong or maybe didn't even care, I don't know.
The second occasion was a mixture of things. The same old crap was going on at work, plus stuff outside of work as well. One night after work, I was driving home and I drove past cops who were apparently on the road with flashlights and green vests. I didn't see them. I got pulled over instantly and was told that I could've been shot due to almost running over cops. Again I didn't see them. Good news, I didn't become a hashtag, and I got let go without any ticket or anything. So that left me shook, then the next morning I had some business to handle so I couldn't get rest before going to work and didn't have anything to keep me awake. At one point, I was on a two line road, and I nodded off at the wheel and ended up in the other lane with cars coming. Fortunately I was able to snap out of it just in time before something drastic happened. I made it to work, and again the same crap. So again, I couldn't hold back the tears. They came down again. I started thinking I wasn't good enough for this job or for life in general. Nobody said anything. Nobody cared.
I'm still in the process of learning how to like myself. How to see worth in myself. That's why I started using this gimmick where I refer to myself in 3rd person like Eddie Murphy did in I Spy. Instead of Kelly Robinson, of course I use Daniel Richerson. I also take a little bit from the late great Don Rickles and point out my "greatness." All in fun and jest, but it's a way that I try to build up my self esteem. It was a way to keep a smile on my face. Other people started finding the gimmick fun too and they started running with it. Haven't really started using it at this new job yet.
All is not bad at the new job tho. Some of my co workers are actually patient with me. It's as if I haven't been there long enough yet and I'm still trying to understand certain things. I haven't really clicked with anybody just yet like I have some previous jobs I've had. I guess that all will come in time.
I guess the message in all this is that sometimes when you encourage yourself, you really got to encourage yourself. An old song says, "Nobody told me the road would be easy, but I don't believe He brought me this far to leave me." I know it's popular to talk about "The Universe", but I'm old school to the fact that I stand on the B.I.B.L.E. I stand for Jesus the son of God. I stand for the creator of the universe. One thing my current pastor told me some time ago, which he was quoting a verse from Psalms, that says, "Lift up your heads, O ye gates; and be ye lift up, ye everlasting doors; and the King of glory shall come in." That has stuck in my mind and even when the tears were coming down my face, I would put my hand under my chin and try to lift my head up.
The first four letters in message is mess. There's a message in the mess. There's a saying that says, "There's a blessing in your lesson." Don't allow the mess to mess you up. Look for the message, wash your face, and go on with your day.
Stay Saved,
Daniel Richerson
