Depressed and 19

I'm 19. I live at home. I got saved last year in January. I firmly believe that if you let crap enter your mind, crap will come out. I find myself depressed over little stuff. Look under my eyes, you can tell that I don't get much sleep. My home is not the best, but it's shelter. My father is not the best, but at least he's around to talk to. Being fat lowers my self-esteem a whole lot. I've said before that people don't look at the personality. I realize that everyday, and it is depressing. I'm at a community college while my little sister is going to Clemson. That thought pops in my mind all the time. My mom and sister keep telling me that I'm not ugly. That the right girl will come along. Looking in the mirror, I have a hard time believing that. 

I've always been the "black sheep" of my friends. I never really felt like I was "in." I felt more like the safe guy meaning that they knew I was there, but I didn't really matter. Want to know why I make video and voice blogs? To get accepted. To try to get people to like me. Does my sister have this problem? Nope. Did my brother have this problem? Probably not. So, I guess, I'm the black sheep in my family. I don't know if people feel sorry for me or not. Some where inside of me, I want people to feel sorry for me. Just thinking about it, I spent most of my childhood crying. I would come home and take it out on my little sister and mouth off to my parents. I was a true definition of a follower. I play drums, but I definitely ain't the best. The only reason I get to play at church cause there's no one else there. That's the bottom line. I go to District Choir rehearsal and I never want to play cause I know I suck. I let the Supertindent's son have at it cause I know I would ruin the whole thing. Every time I play for the District or a large crowd, I choke. I don't know why I just lose what little touch I have. 

Think I'm being to hard on myself? Ok then, how bout this. One day I was at a State Youth Choir rehearsal, and the drummer that was playing had to leave. He gave me the sticks and got on the drums. I did aight. Definite not state youth material by any means. The song I filled in for was a slow song. Which was wanting to be played a little faster so the choir could get it, but I just could push myself to do it. The piano player got on me about it and I used some wacked-out excuse about this is the first time I've really played with musicians. Which is not all together true. So after that song was over, they went to an upbeat song that I didn't know to save my life. After about 5 seconds the director stopped the song and said, and I quote "I need a drummer." I handed the sticks to another brotha that was up there and he straight up killed it. the director then said, and I quote, "We got 2 drummers." I was, once again, the odd ball out. Nobody even cared or even noticed but me. 

Of course Dad tried to build me up saying I did a good job and all that. None of my so called friends could see behind the smile sometimes. Most of the time you would find me sitting or standing by myself. I had the mindset where if people didn't bother me, I didn't bother them. Still do that now as a matter of fact. I stand outside waiting on whoever's picking me up with my headphones, by myself. I have no one at Tech I can truely call friend. It's the honest truth. I don't. I don't know why I'm typing all this. Prolly because this is the only way I can make myself heard. People never really listen to you when they judge you before hand. Anybody else has ever been through that? So that's why I type these blogs. It's my voice. My voice to the people, so to speak. 

I want to be accepted for who I am. I want to be more "outgoing" so to speak. I would love to be my true self out in public and take this depressed mask off. I want to sing in public and not sound shaky. I want to sing in public and let people know what I can do. I want people to know that I can do things. I do have a soft heart and I am sensitive. Sue me. That's just who I am. Want to know why I truly grew my hair out? Cause people actually liked me. I was, even for a little bit, accepted. The reason I wore my hair out all the time is because for a brief time, I was popular. It's the God's honest truth. I hate being the loser you know? I really do. Don't feel sorry for me. I don't deserve it. I'm a complete jerk. Heh...well dang. I'm a jerk. It's a trip ain't it? You think you know me...

"I'm a good man, right? I mean I'm nice. I'm respectful. I'm no playa, but I have a heart. I'm honest. So why can't I keep a girl for more than 3 months? Oh, I know why. It's because I'm not Usher. I'm not Omarion. I'm not Marques Houston. I'm not Will Smith. People don't want to look at the heart anymore, they want the outside. I understand that God does have a girl out there for me, but I'm going to tell y'all the truth because I know you won't rag on me, or maybe you will, I don't care. I have no patience. I got as bout as much patience as a female celebrity waiting at a restaurant."

Why are we as humans so quick to judge? If a guy like me comes up to girl, they wouldn't give me the time of day. Tell me I'm lying. I know there's no way of getting around the outside appearance of somebody, but that shouldn't stop you from getting to know a person. I'm so sick of being judged by my outside appearance. It's not cool and it's not right. I bet that when I lose weight, I'll gain more popular. That's not the reason I want to lose, don't get me wrong, I'm just saying that it's most likely going to happen. I'm still going to be the same person. Another crazy scenario, what if one of my stories happen to become a best seller and I gain a whole much of money. I'll be more popular than I ever dreamed. Not saying that's my reason for writing because I love to write. It's a way for me to express myself without pressure. Let me get back to the subject. Did y'all know that the reason you may not get a job is because of the way you look? It's proven experiment. Back in like 1994, 20/20 I think it was sent 2 actors in to apply for the same job. One was a normal looking, every day guy. The other one was "handsome" guy. The handsome guy got treated like royality basically and the regular guy got treated like left over Chinese food. Why are we as humans so quick to judge? Look at 50 Cent. He got all this money, and all this fame. With that he got all the women he can imagine. Let's look at it this way. What if he didn't have the money, and he was just an everyday dude like me and a couple of my folks? You think he would have half the things now? Hate to break it to you Mr. Curtis Jackson, but they just want your money. (not that he's reading this) I'm just saying that we shouldn't be so quick to judge. Just because I'm fat doesn't mean I don't have a good personality. We all know I got a personality. It's all about stereotyping, and bottom line we need to stop. Racism needs to stop. Biggetry needs to stop. Judging people without knowing the circumstances needs to stop. We got to come together and make this world a better place for the future, despite what the government does. If they want to forget that they come from the same place we do, let them. We got to change our ways of thinking. Can we truly look at ourselves and say that we're a good example for the next generation that's going to come up? If' not, let's change our way of thinking so the little G's coming up will have somebody real to look up too.

"For a little advice for those going through. Weather is spiritual or what not. Give up. That's right, give up. Realize that you can't do it on your own and give up. (Of course this is when y'all run to your mommys and daddys saying I said such and such without reading on. Read on...) Give up, and give it all to God. As my brother from another mother on my cousin's daddy's side, Jodah, told me, "Let go and Let God, you once told me that." That's exactly what you have to do when the problems get too hard for you to bear. Let go, and let God work. That's our problem we never let go. We let God but we never let go. That's why you never see improvement in your situations right there. You hear people say it all the time, "Give to Jesus and he works it out!" But you have to do your part, and let go of the situation. We have to do our part. If we say that it's in God's hands and we'll still walking around with our bottom lips so low that is dragging on the floor, don't expect change to come."