It's been a while since it's been this bad. I couldn't stop crying. What's wrong? I don't know. That may not be acceptable but it's the truth. The phrase it's ok to not be ok may be true, but the fact of the matter is not being ok is a pain in the....but I've been doing good though. At least I feel that way. I've been going to therapy...maybe I shouldn't have been joking about it like I do, but it's how I get through a day sometimes. I joke around with a lot of things that I probably shouldn't. Again though I don't really know what triggered this crying spell this time. I've been crying publicly since school. Weather it's from embarrassment or getting made fun of which happened often.
I try not to live in the past, it's the reliving part that I have trouble with. Dad transitioned back in January of 2022, and I still dream of him often. It's always back in the apartments I grew up in that was known as the Landing. I can't recall anything traumatic happening there or anything, but for some strange reason my mind goes back to that point in my life.
The one thing I don't want to be is a distraction. Sorry if I ever was one to anybody. As I was crying I heard in my head, Get over it, be made whole. Don't you think I want to be whole? You think being like this is that path I wanted to take? Like I got a degree in depression and anxiety as a choice. This is just me typing things out. I understand people don't read the blogs anymore because they feel it may be my last one, but I do appreciate those that stick around and read them.
FYI, I would never post my last letter online because I'd be too interested to see the response....just being real. So to put people at ease this is not a suicide letter. This is just me spilling what's in my head. I got a big head, so trust there's a lot in there. Speaking of suicide, those that have read these, know that I have suicidal thoughts. Before I came home from work one of my co-workers said it out bluntly, "Don't kill yourself." I got a hug from a supervisor and another co-worker. I went back to my station to get my stuff and one of the students gave me a hug and asked to pray with me.
To use the quote I used last post, "I wish you what I have, people around who care." Yet, and yet, if we don't care for ourselves, then it may say it doesn't matter if anybody cares or not. Think of some of the suicides we've publicly heard about. Robin Williams was married with kids and was loved and adored by millions. Twitch was married with kids and was also adored and loved by a lot of people, but to both of them, that wasn't enough motivation to keep going. Charity starts at home. Love should start at home. If you can't love yourself....if you can't take care of your self....how do you expect to even attempt to take care of others or love others? Truly.
This post was all over the place, but this is my way. Your way may be something different, but I urge you to find a way. Find your motivation to keep going. There's a reason to keep going. You just got to find your reason. Not saying it's easy, or that it's gonna be easy, but I'm saying is that that reason is out there, you just got to go get it. Peace and Love
Stay Saved,
Daniel Richerson
