Depressed and 19

I'm 19. I live at home. I got saved last year in January. I firmly believe that if you let crap enter your mind, crap will come out. I find myself depressed over little stuff. Look under my eyes, you can tell that I don't get much sleep. My home is not the best, but it's shelter. My father is not the best, but at least he's around to talk to. Being fat lowers my self-esteem a whole lot. I've said before that people don't look at the personality. I realize that everyday, and it is depressing. I'm at a community college while my little sister is going to Clemson. That thought pops in my mind all the time. My mom and sister keep telling me that I'm not ugly. That the right girl will come along. Looking in the mirror, I have a hard time believing that. 

I've always been the "black sheep" of my friends. I never really felt like I was "in." I felt more like the safe guy meaning that they knew I was there, but I didn't really matter. Want to know why I make video and voice blogs? To get accepted. To try to get people to like me. Does my sister have this problem? Nope. Did my brother have this problem? Probably not. So, I guess, I'm the black sheep in my family. I don't know if people feel sorry for me or not. Some where inside of me, I want people to feel sorry for me. Just thinking about it, I spent most of my childhood crying. I would come home and take it out on my little sister and mouth off to my parents. I was a true definition of a follower. I play drums, but I definitely ain't the best. The only reason I get to play at church cause there's no one else there. That's the bottom line. I go to District Choir rehearsal and I never want to play cause I know I suck. I let the Supertindent's son have at it cause I know I would ruin the whole thing. Every time I play for the District or a large crowd, I choke. I don't know why I just lose what little touch I have. 

Think I'm being to hard on myself? Ok then, how bout this. One day I was at a State Youth Choir rehearsal, and the drummer that was playing had to leave. He gave me the sticks and got on the drums. I did aight. Definite not state youth material by any means. The song I filled in for was a slow song. Which was wanting to be played a little faster so the choir could get it, but I just could push myself to do it. The piano player got on me about it and I used some wacked-out excuse about this is the first time I've really played with musicians. Which is not all together true. So after that song was over, they went to an upbeat song that I didn't know to save my life. After about 5 seconds the director stopped the song and said, and I quote "I need a drummer." I handed the sticks to another brotha that was up there and he straight up killed it. the director then said, and I quote, "We got 2 drummers." I was, once again, the odd ball out. Nobody even cared or even noticed but me. 

Of course Dad tried to build me up saying I did a good job and all that. None of my so called friends could see behind the smile sometimes. Most of the time you would find me sitting or standing by myself. I had the mindset where if people didn't bother me, I didn't bother them. Still do that now as a matter of fact. I stand outside waiting on whoever's picking me up with my headphones, by myself. I have no one at Tech I can truely call friend. It's the honest truth. I don't. I don't know why I'm typing all this. Prolly because this is the only way I can make myself heard. People never really listen to you when they judge you before hand. Anybody else has ever been through that? So that's why I type these blogs. It's my voice. My voice to the people, so to speak. 

I want to be accepted for who I am. I want to be more "outgoing" so to speak. I would love to be my true self out in public and take this depressed mask off. I want to sing in public and not sound shaky. I want to sing in public and let people know what I can do. I want people to know that I can do things. I do have a soft heart and I am sensitive. Sue me. That's just who I am. Want to know why I truly grew my hair out? Cause people actually liked me. I was, even for a little bit, accepted. The reason I wore my hair out all the time is because for a brief time, I was popular. It's the God's honest truth. I hate being the loser you know? I really do. Don't feel sorry for me. I don't deserve it. I'm a complete jerk. Heh...well dang. I'm a jerk. It's a trip ain't it? You think you know me...

"I'm a good man, right? I mean I'm nice. I'm respectful. I'm no playa, but I have a heart. I'm honest. So why can't I keep a girl for more than 3 months? Oh, I know why. It's because I'm not Usher. I'm not Omarion. I'm not Marques Houston. I'm not Will Smith. People don't want to look at the heart anymore, they want the outside. I understand that God does have a girl out there for me, but I'm going to tell y'all the truth because I know you won't rag on me, or maybe you will, I don't care. I have no patience. I got as bout as much patience as a female celebrity waiting at a restaurant."

Why are we as humans so quick to judge? If a guy like me comes up to girl, they wouldn't give me the time of day. Tell me I'm lying. I know there's no way of getting around the outside appearance of somebody, but that shouldn't stop you from getting to know a person. I'm so sick of being judged by my outside appearance. It's not cool and it's not right. I bet that when I lose weight, I'll gain more popular. That's not the reason I want to lose, don't get me wrong, I'm just saying that it's most likely going to happen. I'm still going to be the same person. Another crazy scenario, what if one of my stories happen to become a best seller and I gain a whole much of money. I'll be more popular than I ever dreamed. Not saying that's my reason for writing because I love to write. It's a way for me to express myself without pressure. Let me get back to the subject. Did y'all know that the reason you may not get a job is because of the way you look? It's proven experiment. Back in like 1994, 20/20 I think it was sent 2 actors in to apply for the same job. One was a normal looking, every day guy. The other one was "handsome" guy. The handsome guy got treated like royality basically and the regular guy got treated like left over Chinese food. Why are we as humans so quick to judge? Look at 50 Cent. He got all this money, and all this fame. With that he got all the women he can imagine. Let's look at it this way. What if he didn't have the money, and he was just an everyday dude like me and a couple of my folks? You think he would have half the things now? Hate to break it to you Mr. Curtis Jackson, but they just want your money. (not that he's reading this) I'm just saying that we shouldn't be so quick to judge. Just because I'm fat doesn't mean I don't have a good personality. We all know I got a personality. It's all about stereotyping, and bottom line we need to stop. Racism needs to stop. Biggetry needs to stop. Judging people without knowing the circumstances needs to stop. We got to come together and make this world a better place for the future, despite what the government does. If they want to forget that they come from the same place we do, let them. We got to change our ways of thinking. Can we truly look at ourselves and say that we're a good example for the next generation that's going to come up? If' not, let's change our way of thinking so the little G's coming up will have somebody real to look up too.

"For a little advice for those going through. Weather is spiritual or what not. Give up. That's right, give up. Realize that you can't do it on your own and give up. (Of course this is when y'all run to your mommys and daddys saying I said such and such without reading on. Read on...) Give up, and give it all to God. As my brother from another mother on my cousin's daddy's side, Jodah, told me, "Let go and Let God, you once told me that." That's exactly what you have to do when the problems get too hard for you to bear. Let go, and let God work. That's our problem we never let go. We let God but we never let go. That's why you never see improvement in your situations right there. You hear people say it all the time, "Give to Jesus and he works it out!" But you have to do your part, and let go of the situation. We have to do our part. If we say that it's in God's hands and we'll still walking around with our bottom lips so low that is dragging on the floor, don't expect change to come."

Let me say this now, just because you became a christian, that doesn't mean your issues stop. To tell you the truth, your issues get worse. The devil doesn't leave you alone. You just made him mad, so he comes blowing more smoke than he ever did before. Some of us end up giving in. We let the devil tell us how worthless we are. He tells you that God doesn't love you, etc. Besided rebuking him, we take it in and take it in. That's when depression comes in. We as Christians, have become too scared. We're scared to speak up during debates, we're scared to tell the devil off. When you tell God to let His will be done, how many of us actually believe it? Here's what I think happens. We talk the talk. We "rebuke" Satan, we tell God, that you're putting all in His hands. While in the back of your minds, there's doubt and unbelief. That's where the devil comes in, right there. He waters the unbelief and gives it sunlight. Then it becomes an Oak Tree of a problem. We shouldn't let it get that way. I admit it up front., I still have issues that i deal with everyday. Most of the time I let it take over. Does that mean i'm not saved? No, it just means that i have some issues with my faith. I need and desire your prayers.
Until next time, this is Big to the D...I'm OUT!!

God gave me this to tell y'all...

What is wrong with us? Have we given up on life completely? I mean I hear and see things that shouldnt be going on. With my life included. I find myself going back to old habits. I regret it every time. I see my Christian people cussing. I see people cutting themselves. I see people feeling like theyre lives are worthless all the time. Depression spirit is still around. People are crying all the time. Im sorta scared to mention God because I dont know if any of yall believe he exist anymore. Hes still here. Remember the Bible says that He will never leave you nor forsake you. Deitrick Haddon says in one of his songs God didnt give up on me. And thats true. God didnt give up on you. You have given up on God. Why, I dont know. Maybe its the fact that we want to look good to the Christian friends, and act street with our other friends. Time is winding up and yall are still playing games like you have all the time in the world. In church today this lady brought up the story of Jonah. Jonah got an assignment from God to go into a town and witness. Jonah decided that he didnt want to go. He didnt want to see them people saved. Jonah got on a boat, and a big storm came. The people on the boat knew somebody made God mad. Jonah ended up getting thrown off the boat. A big fish was right there and swallowed Jonah up. People do we really want to get to the point where we get thrown off the boat and have a big fish swallow us up so we can get the hint that God aint playin? We need to get on the stick. Im sick of all this drama. Drama to the left, drama to the right. Drama, Drama, Dramagive me a break. Im tired of it. God loves you and the problem is you dont really believe it. The devil is having a ball right now. Its time for us who are real to get on track. People are going to hell every minute. When I heard a lady say that in church today, it got me to thinking. What am I doing to help? What are you doing to help? Youre confusing people. You tell people youre saved. Then they see you cussing. Hmmm? Dont give me that out of anger crap, I know better trust me. And let me say this. God does not hate homosexuals. Let me type that again, God does not hate homosexuals. He hates the lifestyle. He does not hate liars. He hates lying. God loves EVERYBODY. He may hate the LIFESTYLE but he loves the PERSON. Whos alive out there? Do you get what Im saying? I dont know what else to do. Its like nobody wants to believe anymore. Im sick of it. God loves you and I do too. Thats right I said it. Im always here, for any of you that want to chat. Even the ones that dont comment and just read, Im here for you too. Get at me.

Big Dusty

Back again from the dark side of the mix family, how y'all feelin'? Me? It's real simple. I'm tired. I'm am straight up tired. Know what I'm doing this weekend? Sleep. I'm going to sleep like a pimp on Sunday. I'm going to sleep like people did when they went to see the 2nd Pirates of The Carribean. Oh boy...well, I got a full schedule of classes this semester at college. Which means I got 4 classes. First class is Phyics, again. My teacher is gunshot deaf, so bascically you got to yell, for him to barely hear you. How he kept his job for all these years is beyond my thinking, but apparently the Powers That Be like him. I got a feeling I'm going to hearing a lot of war stories, and that is going to be so "exciting." Man, I'm going to be more bored than a congregation listening to that one old lady that gives 30 minute testimonies. Second class is Trig. I think I like this class 'cause I almost fell asleep a couple of times now, so that's a good sign. Seriously this class should be a breeze. The teacher seems like a cool guy. On to my third class, English. I think the teacher is a little out. I don't know weather it's drugs or what, but something ain't right. I can tell he knows what he's talking about, but making eye contact is not his best attribute as a teacher. He acts like he's blind or something. Really bizzare. Don't get me started on his writing skills. Then to the one class I have on Tuesdays and Thursdays, which is Sociology. That might be my favorite class. This teacher is real down to earth, and she's a little crazy. I know we going to get along. She sorta reminds me of a female version of Mr. Brown, who was my favorite teacher I ever had at Eastside. Well that's my whole schedule...la di da!

So once again giving shout outs to all family, and my extended family that deal with me. To all the new friends that are reading for the first time. To all my friends. And to the haters.

Daniel aka Big d

Be real!

You know, sometimes you feel like crap. Like you don't want to talk to anyone, and you don't want anyone to talk to you. People tend to follow trends. We got to get back to being individuals again. Actually having your own personalities. How can we teach our future kids to be individuals, when we faking ourselves?

Moms Mabley. Classic genius comedian. If you can find old clips of Moms Mabley, listen to them. You will not be disappointed. Especially if you appreciate true comedy. Old black lady with no teeth just speaking her mind, if you can't see the comedy just thinking about that---i don't know what to tell ya.

The stuff you put in your head is the stuff that comes out. That's why I listen to more Gospel than anything. By the way, Gospel can be rap, rock, soul, country, jazz, etc. As long as it's telling the good news, it's Gospel. Anyway, though, got to watch out what you put in your heads. Especially, if you claim to be a christian, and all you listen to is Lil Wayne. Don't get me wrong, Lil Wayne is one of the best, but his message is not going to help your spiritman, and it's not going to help you as a person. That's exactly why you catch yourself slipping with cuss words. The stuff you put in is what's coming out.

By the way, if you want to read my story, or at least what i have so far, you can give me your e-mail address and I'll send it to ya. I've been told that it's good, but more opinions wouldn 't hurt.

I start going back to classes on Monday. I'm on academic probabation, meaning I got to maintain a 2.0 avg through out the semester. I encouraged by this lady to not be another statistic, meaning colored males have a bad rep of slacking off and not doing the best to their ability, and I should follow in their footsteps. So, if you don't see me on much, that's why.

If anybody from KJ reads this, tell them that I have left. I'm not going back. I'm NOT GOING BACK. I got love for all of y'all there, but I got to move on.

...and I got to move on out of here. Thanks for reading. Leave some feedback if you want.

My name is Daniel aka Big d. Peace

Somebody call my momma, Daniel's back again.

How y'all feelin'? 2007, wow. Thank God we made it through first of all, right? I heard my dad say that 2007, is going to be the year of God's release. That thought alone is awesome isn't it? I heard somebody say that we can actually speed up the coming of the Jesus, but if they truly have read the Bible, they will realize that Jesus himself doesn't even know when he's coming back. Only God knows. I know some of y'all believe that Jesus and God is one, but Jesus is the Son of God. Jesus is sitting on the right hand of the Father, who is God. Get the picture? All I'm basically saying is, it don't matter when Jesus comes, it matters that you're ready when he does. It's not like you can tell God, "Yo, um, I need about 2 more days to get straight." That ain't going to work.

Anyway, that's my soap box on that. Um, what's up with some of y'all getting into a new relationship every month? It's like y'all treat it like a rapper treat cars, have a different one for each day. That's just stupid. Here I am looking for one, and y'all have 5 a month. It's called patience people, try it. It may work out for ya. Communication is a key factor too. That means stop kissing and start talking. You'll find out if the relationship will last or not. Or just suffer a broken heart, so I can laugh at you later on. It's your call.

Dreamgirls. It's a must see. This is Eddie Murphy's best on screen performance by far. I personally think it's his best movie. Jamie Foxx, Beyonce, Jennifer Hudson, Danny Glover...everybody that's in this movie does their thang. If you got to see any movie, see Dreamgirls. You will not be disappointed.

I'm going to try and lose weight this year. I looked in the mirror and I felt sorry for myself. So, hopefully by the end of the next semester, I'll look a little better. Wish me luck.

Love y'all

Daniel aka Big d