WHAT IS YOUR REASON FOR LIVING??

During one of my counseling sessions, I was asked the question, "What is your reason for living?" I didn't have an instant answer for that question. You would think that a question like that would be easy to answer, right? One would think that's a weird question to ask someone. If you've been open about suicidal thoughts, it's not that weird of a question. Why do I keep going? 

Recently my family suffered a lost and I made a trip down state. Which had my anxiety at a high. I really don't like driving long distances, and the last time I went to make a drive that was at least an hour, I got arrested for reckless driving. Those charges got expunged and dismissed, but that's for a different blog. So with all that in mind, I made the trip and got to my Grandma's house safe with the thought that I was going home right after the memorial service. I didn't bring any medicine or extra clothes because again, I was in the mindset that I was going back home to isolation. After the repass, I ended up staying the night after it was decided that I would. 

All that to say I almost went home to isolation, rather than spend more time with family. What is that? Did it feel good being around others and around family? Yes it did. I guess I got used to being alone that it feels weird that people actually want to spend time with me. I don't like being a bother to anyone. I never want to overstay my welcome which is why I'm always ready to go home.

I'm reminded of the old hymn "Because He Lives." The chorus goes like, "Because He lives, I can face tomorrow. Because he lives all fear is gone. Because I know He holds the future, and life is worth the living just because He lives." The Bible mentions fear not or do not be afraid hundreds of times. It is written in Philippians 4:6-7 "Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus."

Does that mean anxiety isn't there? So why am I so anxious all the time? Why am I suffering like this day after day? What is my reason for living? Seems like every other article I see online people are dying. Celebrities and regular people a like. What is my reason for living? My main reason for living, is my mom. My family. I don't want to disappoint them. I don't want to let anybody down.

I have my issues. I'm in therapy. I take medicine. I'm still here that's all I can say.

Sorry that it took so long for another post. If this is your first blog post you've read of mine or if you're a long time reader, I appreciate you for stopping by.

Stay saved.

~Daniel Richerson

For Maurice Patterson. Miss you cuz.

A LITTLE ANXIOUS

 When I was a kid I would sometimes cry in school. Mostly due to being the pun of jokes. Sometimes after I'd cry, I'd act a little goofy. I don't know why. Maybe it was an attempt to get back in good graces with my classmates. It almost never worked out that way, but still. Fast forward to now, I'm still crying. Not due to being the butt of the joke, but due to depression. I was probably depressed as a child too but it wasn't diagnosed.

So here we are. The election of 2024 happened. I've been a bit on the anxious side since the results. I already have anxiety about going to work everyday, but with the election results mixed with that, I barely had an appetite when I went on my break. Why did the results give me anxiety when I know the government is on the shoulders of Jesus. The writer said, "Whom shall I fear if God be for me?" So why the anxiety? Am I worried about the government? Yes. I'm more worried about the followers, or should I say some of the followers, of the now next President. I'm more worried about the conversation around the election. I'm more worried about the division of the already divided "United" States of America. I for one am not going to argue with anyone. I got major PTSD when it comes to arguments, and I do my best to stay away from them. 

Why do I have anxiety when it comes to my job? For one I've had many of an emotional breakdown at work. I don't go to work planning on crying, but I do have this tiny expectation that someone or something will cause me to think more lowly than I already kind of do of myself. Yes I still see a therapist twice a month. This is a process. Some processes take longer than others. Every night after work, I worry about did I go to far with a joke or did I truly offend any one. That's never my intention.

Speaking of intentions, in previous blog posts, I took some subliminal digs at certain individuals. I would like to take this time to apologize to any one that I offended or took a dig at. Those thoughts were typed out of place that should not have been made public. In the book of Matthew 5:23-24, in the Message Bible, “This is how I want you to conduct yourself in these matters. If you enter your place of worship and, about to make an offering, you suddenly remember a grudge a friend has against you, abandon your offering, leave immediately, go to this friend and make things right. Then and only then, come back and work things out with God."

Not making any excuses, but I sometimes type the words that I can't articulate through talking. With that I have mental problems, but I do understand that's not an excuse to act a donkey. So again I apologize for any offense. 

That's all I got for this post. I haven't been posting in a while, and that's on me. I thank those of you who take the time and read this stuff. I don't ask for much but if you got this far would you please share this? Stay safe and

Stay Saved,

Daniel Richerson

TIRED OF BEING TIRED

Haven't been motivated to write anything. The year 2024 has been crazy so far. As I'm writing this, the list of people who have died has been body numbing. I remember 2016 was a banger year for deaths. Lest we forget the pandemic. Thoughts and prayers seems to sound cliche now. How many times have we actually thought about and prayed for those who are grieving?

Seems like everyday I scroll on social media, somebody is posting that somebody else has passed. From the entertainment industry to the church community. I heard a saying one time that went like this, "Appreciate what you have today, because it may not be there tomorrow." James 4:14 says, "...For what is your life? It is even a vapour, that appeareth for a little time, and then vanisheth away."

My dad passed in January of 2022. There's not a night that goes by where he doesn't appear in my dreams. It's like my dreams can't comprehend that he's no longer alive. In my dreams, he's alive and well. It's like nothing has happened. I guess there's regret on my part for not saying anything during his home going service. As I'm typing this I haven't been to his gravesite. Little stuff like that bothers me. 

It's still hard for me to open up like I should. Like most people when asked how I'm doing, I say, "I'm fine." just to keep the conversation going. With the all the death going on, not to mention the election, asking people how they're doing is a deeper question than one might think. How am I doing? I'm tired of being tired, if that makes sense. You know how people say, "I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired?" As the younger generation used to say, that part. 

Romans 8:18, "For I reckon that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us."

Song writer said, "Trials form the tears in your eyes

Don't stop

I'm telling you

There's a blessing on the other side of through."

Ephesians 6:13-14a, "Wherefore take unto you the whole armour of God, that ye may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand. Stand therefore..."

Another song writer said, "I know that there's so much more for me. My heart is ready--ready to receive. I'm standing on His promise for He said He'll see me through it and I know He'll do it"

Here's another phrase that's been thrown around a lot lately, but it still holds true. "Don't give up." I'm not going to pretend like I got all the answers. Nor am I going to pretend I know how to tell anyone how to go through what they're going through. I'm just saying don't live in the valley. Walk through it. It's written, "Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me." 

That's all I got for this one. I hope something was said to encourage. I hope that if you made it this far that you will share this with your friends and family. Don't forget to comment as well. Grace. Peace. Love.

Stay Saved,

Daniel Richerson

THANKS FOR THE BIRTHDAY WISHES

Thank you every one for the birthday wishes. I know this is the only time of the year some of us communicate through the socials, but if this is the only time, I still appreciate it. I went to a therapy session on my birthday. Yes I still do therapy. It's mainly for maintenance now. I still have anxiety attacks here and there but not as much as before. One night I had to drive home for an hour, and...

Ok, I work at a college, so like any other college, this college has spring break. When the college went on break, we that work there also got a break. Being on spring break, got me some time to do certain things that I don't usually get to do because I work 2nd shift. Now when I'm at work, and the anxiety attacks come  I usually start crying for no reason, and I end up having to walk to the back of the building to get myself together. I end up calling my mom or my little sister, depending on who I can get a hold of. They talk me through, or sometimes pray me through the anxiety attacks. I can't speak for anyone else that goes through this like me, but when I get them, I can't ever explain why. People ask me what's wrong, and I tell them I don't know because I really don't know. I just know one moment I'm fine, and then the next moment my eyes are welling up. One of my co-workers, tries to tell me to relax. If that doesn't work, one of my other co-workers asks me if I'm ok and do I need a break. Having no reason to lie, I nod my head, apologizing for having to leave my station. 

So that's at work, but imagine going through that in a car driving on the road with no one to call and you're alone in the car. I will say it's not safe, and I wouldn't recommend it. If you can, call somebody, and talk to somebody. Needless to say this particular night I didn't do any of that. I went to this church service, and it was one of those services where the preacher couldn't preach because the atmosphere was that crazy. Anyway, I got called up to the altar, which always always causes some anxiety, but that's a different blog for a different day. Some time up there somebody whispered in my ear, "You've been trying to do it on your own." That struck a nerve with me because I feel if that was the case, that service should've been a memorial service. That's part of the reason for therapy because I know I can't do it on my own. Now I must say, this I don't know what this person meant by that. This is just how I took it.  La di da di da, I went back to my seat. After benediction, I drove home and felt numb. I had that strange case of, "If you don't care, then I don't care." I have this bad habit of holding two fingers to my head like a gun when I feel like this.  How I made it home? As the song writer said, God did it. Oh yes He did it.

Thanks for the birthday wishes ladies and germs. I turned 37. Didn't think I'd make it this far. Well, I thought I would, but I also thought my life would be completely different than it is now. Is my life perfect? No. Do I have regrets? Plenty. As you can see if you got this far, my life is not peaches and cream. I just take it one day at a time. Every day is a new day and a different day. Do I have PTSD? Yep, but again every day is different. How do I deal with it? A lot of prayer, and ASMR. The medicine I'm on helps too. I'm on Zoloft and Abilify. 

That's all I got. Sorry it's been a while between the blogs. I didn't have any material. No I had a lot of material but framing it in a way for post....know what I mean? Again thank you all for birthday wishes. Keep praying for me. Feel free to share your comments, and share the blog around. You are not alone. Peace. Love.

Stay Saved,

Daniel Richerson

IF YOU NEED HELP, GET IT

When I started therapy, my therapist and I came up with a couple of goals. One of the goals was to figure out what's triggering my anxiety and depression. Have I fully figured it out? It's easy to say yes just to keep the conversation going, but if I was completely honest, no. One thing I have learned is that being honest about how you're feeling or doing is not against the law. I will admit it's not easy. Especially when you're used to holding stuff in. When you finally do be honest, you'll usually get this reaction or something like, "Well it's about time!" I'd like to think that means that some people are willing to help out but if they don't know what's going on, how can they help? 

The only all knowing being is God, and yes, we're made in his image, but that doesn't make us God. I've used this quote before, but I heard someone say, "A doctor can only heal what we reveal." So therefore, you say nobody cares, but what have you revealed? Look as a dude that still has trust issues, I overstand that you can't tell everybody everything, and yet when an ear opens up to hear you, take advantage. I'm still learning how to do that.

Jesus said, "Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls." I know and understand that not all that are reading my posts are believers, but if you're looking for an ear that's always open... Song writer said, "He was there all the time. Waiting patiently in line." 

So I go to Beckman Center for Mental Health Services to see my therapist twice a month. I post that I'm going to therapy to show that it's ok to seek help. I don't know who I'm reaching with those posts or with these blogs. I type the blogs hoping that somebody get's something out of them, but at the same time realizing that these blogs are written by somebody with mental problems, so it kind of is what it is at this point.

What's my goal for this post? I guess it's what it is for most of my posts recently. To let the ones that are not ok that it's going to be ok. To those who feel forgotten. You feel like nobody cares. It doesn't matter what decision you make because you feel like it's not important. I've been there, and to be honest sometimes I'm still there. Just got to  take it one day at a time. Every morning you get up is a victory. Every moment that you don't give up is a victory. Every panic attack and emotional attack is just a sign that you're still alive. One of my favorite songs that I've quoted before says, "So if you see me cry, it's just a sign that I'm still alive. I got some scars, but I'm still alive." If you feel like you need help, seek help. There's help for you. 

So how is Daniel doing? Daniel is hanging in there. I'm still on antidepressants. I take 10g of melatonin to help me fall asleep. I feel lonely at times during the night, but as you can read, I'm still here. 

When I post blogs now, a bit of anxiety hits. Like will people like this? Am I wasting my time with these blogs? That "Do you really love me, don't you really care" thing. If you got this far, I ask that you share. Thank you. Peace, Love, and

Stay Saved,

Daniel Richerson

STONE OR BREAD

 Matthew 7:9-10, 12 (NIV) Which of you, if your son asks for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish will give him a snake? So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets.

Song writer said, "It could've been me outdoors with no food and no clothes or left alone without a friend or just another number with a tragic end." I believe I'm not the only one that can say it was me. I remember vividly not knowing what I was going to eat or if I was going to eat for a certain time. So it bothers me when I see people claim to be starving with there's food literally all around. I often hear, "Nobody wants to eat the same thing every day." A lot of us grew up eating Spaghetti for some days, and as I'm typing this with Thanksgiving coming, those same people saying, "Nobody wants to eat the same thing every day" are going to be all over those leftovers. I get it, when you have the means to eat something different everyday, you do it, but with inflation the way it is, not many people is going to pass up a meal. Even if it's the same thing everyday.

"O the world is hungry for the Living Bread, Lift the Savior up for them to see; Trust Him and do not doubt the words that He said, "I'll draw all men unto Me." ~ Lift Him Up, Johnson Oatman Jr

Me personally I cringe when I hear preachers do the "not some, but ALL" gimmick. Just--anyway, you get the point. How many people have we tried to force feed our stone opinions...or our stone doctrines, besides feeding the people living bread? I believe people are spiritually choking to death due to the stone throwing or should I say feeding. Verse 12 said, "So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you." I believe some people call that the golden rule, right? A commentator said, "The Golden Rule, as Jesus formulated it, is the foundation of active goodness and mercy--the kind of love God shows to us every day." So everyday, God shows us love that we find hard to show to others. I hear the old song that says, "To be like Jesus, oh how I long to be like Him." We don't hear songs like that anymore. Maybe because we can't get ourselves to actually show people that don't look and act like we act the kind of love we ask God for. 

Now for a mental health update. First let me thank all of you for dealing with me when I break down emotionally. Thank you for being the circle that I've been longing for my whole life. As the saying goes, I'm not where I want to be but thank God I'm not where I used to be. I talk about anxiety, PTSD, and more because as I heard Kirk Franklin say, "A doctor can only heal what we reveal." Why keep that stuff hidden? Because of the people that throw stones and laugh at people like me and others who struggle publicly, but thank God I have a circle where I can confidently say, you deal with me in spite of. 

That's all I have in my heart for this one. As always, if you got something out of this you can share this on your social media platforms. You can leave comment sharing your thoughts on what I typed. Philippians 3:12 (NIV), "Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already arrives at my goal, but I press on to take hold of that which Christ Jesus took hold of me." Peace, Love, and

Stay Saved,

Daniel Richerson
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DO YOU REALLY LOVE ME? DON'T YOU REALLY CARE? YES YOU DO

 On May 23, 2020, one day after my 33rd birthday, I poised the question that I got from the song Candy Girl by New Edition, "Do you really love me? Don't you really care?" I asked that question due to the number of suicides that were happening to during the beginning of the pandemic and some of the silent responses to them. I then would use those set of questions regarding myself. This was before I started therapy, I was such a state of loneliness that I questioned if anybody really--

This last couple of weeks have really opened my eyes. I had two previous stints in the hospital prior to this for the same thing, but this stint showed me that people care. People showed they cared the previous stints don't get me wrong, but this previous stint was a real eye opener. An eye opener that Daniel was cared about the whole time.

Even with all that going on, I still have my good days and bad days. I know my process to being whole is not moving as quick as some would like, but all I can say is I'm sorry to disappoint. As some of you know, I see a therapist about two times a month. I'm still on antidepressants. Two now. I'm taking them as prescribed like my blood pressure and heart medicines. Just a quick note, yes I'm still talking mental health because like it or not it's part of my story, and more than likely will always be. I don't agree that me talking about it is glorifying it. Like Ice Cube said in the movie Straight Outta Compton in response to a complaint about the album is glorifying gangs and drugs, "Our art is a reflection of our reality." My blogs are a reflection of what I go through and live with. My goal with these blogs, especially within the last couple of years, is not so that people will be sorry for me, but if one person that may be dealing with similar issues will think, there's someone else that's going through something similar. Let me see how this guy is dealing with his mental issues.

To many times people going through mentally have to be silent because of misunderstandings and misconceptions of what we deal with on a daily. To the unknown, it makes us sound lazy. Granted, some do take the word "anxiety" and run with it and use it as an excuse to not do certain things. Speaking for myself, I've found a circle that seems to really love me and care, and as cliché as it sounds, if it can happen for me, it can happen for you. 

Yes, Daniel knows that he's loved. He's knows that, and I do. I've always knew that, it was the believing it that I had an issue with. Also, the fact that I drive home from church and work alone and end up home alone. That's the part that gets---you know?

The amount of love that I have received had been overwhelming. Like the writer said, "It's really no goodness of my own, but it's by the grace of God that I've been kept all this time and I still have the mind to go on." Some days it's a battle to want to continue to go on to keep it a buck. I still have some PTSD of being in the ambulance one minute to waking up two days later strapped in a hospital bed. Yet, I'm here typing this up tonight. Breathing normally. Blood pressure is good. Weight is steady. So it's not all bad.

That's all I got for this post. I hope that if you read this for you'll be willing to leave a comment with your thoughts. I hope that I didn't say anything to offend anybody. That was not my intention. Peace, love, and...

Stay Saved,

Daniel Richerson
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JUST SAYING THANK YOU

How do I start? First I got to say thank you. Thank you God. Thanks to all for the thoughts and prayers. Got to publicly thank my Mom and little sister for going above and beyond. Thanks to all that have helped and offered help. Thank you Lander University. I'm forever grateful for the outpour of love from everybody.

Ok, this may be the part where I lose some of you. Those that's been following the blogs, know that I can go from A to E skipping all the letters in between. Here it goes, I mentioned having a little anxiety, and got a reaction to it. (Blank Look At the Camera) Let me explain. "Daniel make sure you do this, Daniel make sure you do this. Daniel have you done this. Daniel have you done this. Daniel make sure you take your medicine. Daniel...Daniel...Daniel...DANIEL!!" I had to keep telling myself you can do this. You can stick to the plan this time, even though you have fallen off. I had to tell myself that I'm not stupid. I had to tell myself to breathe and just follow the plan. I had to tell myself that I know I don't want to go through this again. I know what I went through. The scary part was living alone. The scary part is that the high anxiety, PTSD, and grief is still there and I got all that. The scary part is that I still got therapy appointments. I post about my therapy appointments because I thought that people cared about mental health. Sometimes it feels like when America "came together" after 9/11, when in reality, that "come together" barely lasted a week.

Not saying people don't care it's just I tend to overthink things. Like when I was in the hospital for this and hopefully last go around I was told that I was going to get an ultrasound. I was moved from the hospital bed I was on and got moved to a transport bed. Stayed there for about an hour. I've openly talked about my trust issues, and this is very apparent with hospitals. So I was staying there, these words came out my mouth, "It's almost like they don't even want me to leave." That was a real thought I had at the time because flashbacks came from 2013 when I was in the hospital and I had just got discharged, and was left sitting in a wheel chair for what felt like forever waiting for somebody from transport to transfer me out, I was left feeling unwanted. I had tears in my eyes. Mom ended up coming up to get me and wheel me out. This was at the same hospital. Now at that time I didn't have any therapy, I definitely needed it. I wasn't on any antidepressants. I wasn't working. Fast forward, 9 years later, I'm working. I'm seeking therapy. I'm on antidepressants.

Even before the scare at the hospital, this verse has been ringing in my soul.. Galatians 6:9 in the KJV, "And let us not be weary in well doing: for in due season we shall reap, if we faint not." Cause I was at my job working hard. I was in church working hard. I was working myself into a downward spiral. My therapist has been telling me that I have to make decisions that are best for me, but my bank account was letting me know, "(Dude) you better get that money." Then I kept hearing Anthony Williams formally known as Tonex's song called God Has Not 4Got, and in this song, he adlibbed, "Be not weary in well doing..." I thought I was catching a stride. Before I went to the hospital, I had a Dr's appointment set up to get caught up on my medicine, and then next thing I know I'm on the Ambulance, by the way shout outs to the EMTs.

So yeah with all that happening, I have no idea why I had to remind myself...

I ask before you comment on this blog that you've read the whole thing. This is something that I had to get out my brain. Again I thank all of you for the calls, prayers, texts, and so forth. Special shout out to my Mom and little sister once again. Special shout out to all the Pastors. Shout outs to Lander University. I hope I didn't say anything that was considered a shot or anything. That was not my intention. Continue to pray for me as I start this journey again. Mental Health matters. Peace and love and--

Stay Saved,

Daniel Richerson 

I'M IN THERAPY (mental health update)

I've been trying to find the words to say. I've stated before sometimes finding the words to put together that make sense to the people reading this is not the easiest thing in the world. I'm very easily distracted, go figure. I've been very open about the mental issues I've been dealing with for most of my life, but the past couple of years I've been very transparent about it. Not that I would suggest being open publicly like I am, but I do suggest finding a way to get those crazy thoughts out of your head. I made a couple of posts about the cries of the silent. Well around last month I went to a local Mental Health Center. I'm now in therapy, and I'm also on medication. 

I want to thank everyone that has been supportive on this journey. I want to thank all of those for the prayers and positive thoughts during this whole ordeal. I've needed help for a long time, but if you want it, there's help out there. Getting help doesn't make you less than a man. It's crazy that if you are a male and you openly admit to not being ok, you automatically get labeled as "feminine." So that male pride takes over, and the inner issues never really get dealt with in a healthy way. So then the cries become silent. Silent because they're not allowed to cry out loud without being ridiculed.

"Why are you so angry?"

"You're sensitive."

"Why are you like this?"

The same people that will tell you to "man up" will question why are you "acting out." We wonder why the younger generation is so confused. I'm fortunate enough that people around me not only understand or starting to understand my anxiety, but pushed me in the right direction to get the help that I need. Through my bleeding and crying through my blogs, and other posts, I'm now getting the help that I need. Am I going to be whole over night? No. Just recently I had an anxiety attack. I can't speak for other people but having an anxiety attack sucks to begin with, but having one with people around sucks more and it can be embarrassing. Especially when some of the people don't understand what's going on. That's the scary part actually you start to think what if...but again fortunately for me the panic attacks I've had this year, people have been around me that understood. I'm not saying they understand completely, but they understood enough. 

It's ok to not be ok, but don't stay not ok. Continue to cry. Continue to bleed. Someone is listening. God is listening. He'll send someone by that will lead you to the help you need. Silent cries are still cries. Continue to cry out. Don't give up. I'm not telling anybody to "Get over it" because I overstand that PTSD is real, it's one of the things I deal with, so I would never tell someone to "get over it" because personally, I feel that's disrespectful, and you don't really know what someone has dealt with and are dealing with along with grief, anxiety, and depression.

This is for the those who feel that no one understands. This is for those that feel alone. This is for those who feel that they're the black sheep of the family. This is for those crying out but feel that no one hears them. 

I'm done. Took me a minute to gather my thoughts together to get something out. I hope there was something said that was good for you. I hope something was said that helped you understand what I deal with. My goal is always, if I reach just one person, I feel that I did my part. I'm just trying to erase the stigma of mental illness. We lost too many people already.

Stay saved,

Daniel Richerson

2 MONTHS LATER...

For Lashun Pace. For Scott Hall. For any one else has transitioned, no  matter how long it has been. Thoughts and prayers with with the families. It's been two months since my Dad passed, and I will say I'm still feeling the affects.

I can also say that there have been more times now that I've felt great mentally. With that being said, at the same time I still have episodes here and there. What are episodes? Panic attacks. Attacks where my mind just wanders what if....Thank God now that some people know that what I deal with and they are showing compassion. I finally got the answer to the questions I've been asking for the last how many--for a long time, "Do you really love me? Don't you really care? Do you really need me?" I've come to realize that some people actually do. When the action of love is shown it hits different.

I remember being at the funeral home and having to change clothes because the shirt I had on didn't fit. The man at the funeral home opened the closed room where Dad was set up and seeing him in the casket, will be an image I'll never forget. It wasn't until some time later when it hit me that he wasn't going to wake up from that casket, and when it hit, it hit like a young Mike Tyson going for the knockout. I was surrounded by family, my sister had me by the arm, I had my sunglasses on, my pastor, Dad's pastor, my sister's pastor all there, and I lost control. That dam finally broke. Holding my emotions back the whole week before. Being around dogs that became like emotional support dogs and family, who were worried about me, I tried to be as strong as I possibly could. Then the realization hit....

I've always had a problem being different. I've always had an issue being Daniel Richerson. I've had an issue of being myself, and being ok with being myself. You know that awkwardness when you say something, and you get no response? Imagine that feeling all the time...

Like though even though I've been more and more open through these blogs, and I'm told that I'm helping somebody. There's still that fear of maybe I'm saying too much....I'm going to quote a lyric that I'm probably not allowed to quote, but it's a lyric that's been on repeat in my head during down time at my work station. 

"Sitting here sippin' on something to drink 

The enemy's got the best of me
And I gotta do something quick, before I go crazy
So many voices in my head, so load I can't even think
My friends and family are gone, my life is going so wrong
LORD, I need you to come, Oh! take me home, Oh! make
A way, Out of no way, MY HERO! come on and save the day!" R Kelly - Clean This House (Remix)

Thank God I have a support team that's actually worried about my well being. I had an episode one night at work, not going into details, but a good friend of mine got me away from my station and helped me. He told me that he had my back. That kind of stuff breaks me. When I have people asking if I'm ok when things look stressful. When God takes time to let you know that you are not forgotten...

This was all over the place, I apologize. I told y'all that I have problems putting the words together sometimes. I just want to be ok. There's this young lady that asks me how I'm doing every time she sees me, and I give her the honest answer that I'm meh. She asked me one night, "Why is it every time I see you, that's your answer?" Which is true, but I have told her that I'm good somedays and somehow she knew I was lying. She then told me, "I hope one day, you can say you're good, and really mean it." My response, "I hope so too." 

 If you got this far, I appreciate you for reading. I appreciate you for caring. Keep praying for me. I know I still don't reach out like people want me to. Just don't give up on me, ok? Please.

Stay Saved,

Daniel Richerson

2022...DO BETTER

I've been hesitating typing this post because I've been trying to get my thoughts together all of them to try to have it make sense...huh? My mind has been all over the place due to circumstances that has happened to cause my mental health to go well mental again. Thanks for nothing 2022. There's a reason why I never say new year new me. That's a work. While I say that some people turn that work in to a shoot, meaning they actually turn it into a lifestyle...and God bless them. I'll be honest, I'm not that disciplined yet. 

So my 2022 so far has been just another case of my child hood just erasing itself in front of my eyes. 2021 brought the loss of high school friends and adults that were major parts of my childhood. The beginning of 2022 we've lost Betty White, Sidney Poitier, and Bob Saget. I grew up watching Full House on TGIF. Sidney directed one of my all time favorite movies, Stir Crazy. Not to mention To Sir With Love, become like a cult classic with my sister and myself. More to my sister but I did watch it also. Golden Girls....what else is there to say? Oh, Daniel, they're just celebrities...ok, next time you cry over a football game, as the old hymn say, "Let me clear my throat!" Don't get offended because I called an old rap song a hymn, these are the jokes--

And I tested positive for Corona! So I got tested for Covid just to be sure before I start back going to work, and I took it on a Wednesday. and was told I would have my results by that Friday. Didn't get it until that next Tuesday morning. I was sleep, then got up because my bladder was---never mind, and I looked at my phone because I'm not a self hating millennial, cough cough, and saw that I had a text message from DHEC with my results. Coo Coo Cachoo, I found out that I was positive. I was told by someone, "I don't want you going crazy." Ok...you know that thing of where you tell someone not to look down, and they end up---looking--

All joking aside, as I'm typing this, it's been about a week since I was tested and I am feeling better. Still coughing a little bit but that's about it. So I tested positive...around the same day, I got a phone call that a loved one's condition had gotten worse...hence the warning about not going crazy. I was actually doing good for a few days, mentally. Then the situation got worse than that...remember in Shrek when Shrek and Donkey was trying to get to the castle? They were going across the rickety bridge, and Donkey was repeating to himself not to look down. Then a piece of the bridge broke and Donkey uttered, "Shrek, I'm looking down!" 

All the stuff that people tell me not to feel, I felt. "Daniel don't feel this way. Daniel don't feel that way." Too late. I will say somebody did tell me to work on my mental health exercises, and I did. Again I was doing well until--it was just all too much. If God allows, I'll be 35 this year. Is it too late for me? Is it too late for me to find love? Will I ever use my time wisely? Will I ever impress my spiritual fathers and mothers? Am I overreacting? Will I ever be able to get over it? Is it too late?

I mentioned mental health exercises. This is what I do. This is not a suggestion for what you should do. I'm not that smart. This is what I do. I try to remember what has been told to me in the sessions I've had. I write blogs. Youtube has this thing called "My Mix" where it puts a mix of videos you watch often, and for me and my video mix, they help me stay sane. I listen to music. I pray. I don't pray like everybody else. I tend to do what the song writer said, "Have a little talk with Jesus. Tell Him all about your troubles. He'll hear your fainted cry, and He'll answer by and by. When you feel the pray wheel turning. Know that the fire is burning. Just a talk with Jesus makes it all right." My problem is when I do pray, I feel bad because I don't pray like the mothers of old or the "seasoned saints" of today. I may be wrong, but my mind is going to Matthew 6:5-7 (CEV), "When you pray, don't be like those show-offs who love to stand up and pray in the synagogues and on the street corners. They do this just to look good. I can assure you that they already have their reward. When you pray, go into a room alone and close the door. Pray to your Father in private. He knows what is done in private and will reward you. When you pray don't talk on and on as people do who don't know God. They think God likes to hear long prayers."

Please hear me, I'm not throwing stones, I'm just letting some things out. I'm just different. I'm just a dude trying to make it like everybody else. It took me a minute to get this post out as clear as I wanted it to be. I hope I did a good job. I tried to type this blog earlier, but my emotions and focus was too off for me to get any clear thought out. Continue to pray for me and people like me who suffer but feel like we got to be silent at times. Continue to pray for the lonely. Continue to pray for those who had Covid-19 and are still feeling the repercussions of it. I read someone that it's called Long Covid. Pray for their mental health as well. Pray for the Kingdom. Saints don't stop praying for the Lord is nigh. Saints don't stop praying, He'll hear your cry. For the Lord has promised, and His Word is true. Saints don't stop praying He'll answer you.

And I'm done. Thank you for reading if you got this far. I hope something was said that was encouraging. I hope I didn't offend anybody, that's never my intention. If I can get some of you to share the post to get it out to those who may need to read it, that would be cool. I appreciate all of you who continue to support what I do. Here's to a better 2022 for all of us.

Stay Saved,

Daniel Richerson
Facebook.com/bigdusty
Twitter.com/d_rich864
Instagram.com/d_rich864
Twitch.tv/danielricherson
Big_Dusty on SnapChat

HOW'S MY MENTAL YOU ASK?

How's my mental? Like usual it's a day to day. Some days are better than others. I found myself feeling more lonely at times than I have. Lonely in the sense that I'm literally by myself when I'm not at work or church. I'm know being introverted comes being alone at times, but there are times, I do miss being able to laugh with other people. On the Wednesday before Thanksgiving, I found out an old friend from high school passed away, and it really messed me up. It's like that line from the old movie Pollyanna where the preacher said over the pulpit, "Death comes unexpectedly." One of my oldest friends in life, lost both his parents, both of whom I was close with as well. Song writer said, "For you and me this life is not promised. Tomorrow may never show up." 

Anthony Clark Williams wrote a popular song that says, "God has not forgot." Tasha Cobbs said it like this, "You (God) still love me, in spite of me." There's a phrase that says, "God works in mysterious ways." I don't know if "mysterious" is the right word. I believe He knows what we need at the right time. Like as I'm typing this, I shared this post on my Facebook:

"I suffer from PTSD, Anxiety, and Depression and it's not a good place to be. Sometimes people don't believe me when I tell them. I struggle; It can be hard to live with me & to be around me when I get like this and I know it. I try my best to control it. I manage to get strong but sometimes I break. So if you see me very quiet, I'm not being rude, I'm not mad at you, you're not bothering me, I may just need a minute to myself.

It's okay to not be okay, tell someone you're not okay. (It's okay).

Hopefully, some friends will put this on their wall. You just have to copy..

Thank you

In Support Of Mental Health Awareness

The struggle is real……"

 I must say that I didn't write this. It was one of those copy and paste posts that I copied from someone else in support of mental health. The amount of love that post got was overwhelming. I put up that post before I went to work. I went into work, walking with my head up hoping for a good day. Day was going good. I was laughing with coworkers and making orders for the students. Until--I can't speak for anybody else, but speaking for me, it doesn't take much to trigger something dark for me. Somebody asked for a dessert, as I was putting the dessert on a plate, the dessert fell apart. They wanted another one, so I prepared to put the dessert on the same plate that the other fell apart. They didn't like that. Made it known. I put the dessert on a new plate. That was it. Seems pretty stupid huh? All of the sudden, tears are falling from my face for what felt like hours. Ironically, Joy To The World was playing in my head. I was told that my confidence needs to get stronger, and I do agree with that. However, when I'm open about my mental health, it seems to open a door for heavy emotions. So I don't really know what happened. All I know as I was trying to stop the tears from falling down my face, in my head, all I heard was My Testimony by Marvin Sapp. 

"So glad I made it, I made it through in spite of the storm and rain

Heartache and pain, still alive, declaring I made it through...I'm so glad I made it, so glad I made it

I made it through, I made it through"

Then part of Nobody Cared by Canton Jones.

"On outside of laughing and on the inside of crying

It seem so hard to go on

I can't see how you'll forgive me

Then I feel your presence and you essence

Then you say, hey it's gonna be ok"

So during some down time I was checking my phone and I got encouraged by the reaction and comments to the FB post. The comments were really encouraging, and really helped lift my spirits. I was praying as the tears was falling, "I just want to know that I'm loved." Seeing those reactions was just what I needed. To all who reacted and left a commented, if you're reading this, I hope you now know how much it all meant to me. I really appreciated. As the old saints say, "If you don't love me, keep fooling me." 

Of course this was not the road I wanted this particular blog to go, but hey, what are you going to do? I want to take this time to thanks my family, my pastor and wife, and all others who have helped me, and pray for me as I open up about my mental health. I also want to take this time to thank the students at Lander who help make my day go smoother. One Lander student in particular who is nicer to me than I believe I deserve. I don't even know if you'll ever read this, but if you do, just know I appreciate it. We'll do brunch one day, I don't know.

That's all I got for this one. Again, it went a completely different path than the subject I had planned. What was the subject I had planned? Well since you asked, it was about the fact that at my job, I can't pick and choose who to serve food to. My job is to provide the food not see what they got on or see what sin they committed first before I provide the service they came for. That was the topic, but of course, it didn't go that way. I may still talk about that in a later post, but then again, knowing the way my mind works---anyway, thanks for reading. If you feel led, please share this post. I share what I go through hoping that it will show others that they are not the only ones that feel a certain way. My goal if I can just reach one person, I feel like I've done my job.

Stay Saved and keep going, 

Daniel Richerson
Facebook.com/bigdusty

Twitter.com/d_rich864

Twitch.tv/DanielRicherson

Instagram.com/D_Rich864

Keep Going

 Before I go in on this blog, if you are tired of mental health awareness, if you roll your eyes at me talking about the issues I live with everyday….sorry not sorry. 

The reason I don’t stop blogging about mental health is because one many are still suffering and looking for answers, and when they can’t find anything, they give up. It’s not a coincidence that the three words that have been used the past year and a half have been, “Don’t Give Up.” Why because as the song writer said, “After while, it’ll all be over. After while the sun will shine. After while dark clouds will pass over. And we’ll shout hallelujah after while.” I remember a message that was preached where the minister talked about, “The Importance of After while.” The importance of not stopping before you hit the finish line. Your legs may be getting sore. You may be short of breath. Keep going. That’s a message for me as well. Keep going.

Since I started this new job, I’ve had triggering moments that have caused me to want to throw in the towel. Moments where I had to literally tell myself to don’t cry. Keep going. Get the work done. Do the job. Fortunately, there have been some people that understand and help keep my head on right, but of course they’re people who could care less. Reminds me of other establishments. I’m not looking to be babied or anything. I just want people to understand I may react differently because of high anxiety issues. Oops I said it, but if I mess up, tell me. If I’m doing something wrong, let me know, show me how to do it, and I promise I’ll do my best not to make the same mistake again. 

If it wasn’t for my love for music, I probably would’ve thrown the towel. It’s the music in my head and heart that keeps me going during some shifts. Sometimes it’s the old and new (oops) gospel songs that minister to me at the time, and sometimes it’s secular songs (oops) that keep me pumped. Yeah, this blog may cost me with some people.

I mentioned two professional wrestlers in the last post who put out a vibe of suicide in videos that were posted online. One of which was the late Shannon Claire Spruill, also known to the wrestling community as Daffney. I didn’t watch her IG Live but I’ve heard a piece of it where she mentioned while in tears that she was alone. After the live went public I saw that a lot of people tried to reach out but didn’t get an answer. Possibly it was too late, which brings the point where if someone comes across your heart, reach out. Your phone call may just save a life. Shannon felt alone not knowing that she had a community that loved her. Her passing hit me hard because there were plenty of times where I felt alone in this place I live and tears began to flow. People say, “Why didn’t’ you call me?” People say, “If you don’t check on people, don’t expect people to check on you.” I believe the phrase is called “hog wash” or “malarkey” or “bushwa.” Imagine if God did us that way. We don’t pray to God like we should, but how many times has God came to your rescue when you didn’t know how to ask for help? It does my heart good when I get a text by someone saying that I was on their mind. 

I shared a post on my timeline titled, “Introverts before they make a phone call,” didn’t quite track, but that’s how it is for me. I was told that it was a fear of rejection. I’m not denying that.  So, to those that wonder why I don’t reach out, it may not be you per say. It’s a battle just about every time I use my phone as a phone. If you don’t buy that, it’s the truth. I have no reason to lie. Back to the Daffney situation, that led to other wrestlers to be open about their own mental health. I no longer watch WWE, but a stable known as, The New Day, put out a podcast on mental health that I listened to. One of the members of the stable Big E began sharing his story. I didn’t feel like crying that day, but I immediately started thinking about that young man in the dining area of a convention crying at the table while people were walking by more worried about other things than a young man typing imaginary things on the table crying his eyes out. I can’t remember what triggered that emotion, I just remember that feeling of loneliness. If I remember right, it was a youth day of some sort. I remember that a couple of people stopped and talked to me. One being a young man who’s name I never got, but he actually had a conversation with me which helped me snap out of it. Why do Levites and priests continue to walk by the guy laying on the street, more worried about the next meeting or gig? Thank God for the “good Samaritans” out there.  How many people have we walked by with our proverbial nose in the air thinking that they had it coming not willing to get to the bottom of the issue?

How long are we going to say that folks need Jesus and not show Jesus? How long are we going to say that folks need love and not show love? 

I’m finished. If you read this long, I hope you got something out it. I ask that you continue to pray for those that are feeling lonely and hopeless. Remember September is suicide prevention month. You can help prevent suicide by doing what Ellen says after every show, “Be kind to one another.”  Showing love and not just saying love can help prevent suicide. I ask that you share this if you feel led. Pray for me.

Stay Saved and keep going,

Daniel Richerson

Twitch.tv/DanielRicherson
Twitter.com/D_Rich864
Instragram.com/D_Rich864
Facebook.com/bigdusty

IT TAKES LOVE

 One of my favorite movies of all time is a little movie called Lethal Weapon. If you don’t know, this movie was one of the original “buddy cop” movies. Roger Murtaugh was a family man, 50 years old, and a police officer for many years. He got told that he was going to get a partner by the name of Martin Riggs. Riggs was perceived as crazy. He was perceived as psychotic. He was suffering from mental health issues. He lost his wife which turned his world upside down. Meaning night after night he would hold a gun to his mouth ready to end it with tears in his eyes, but right before he pulled the trigger, he would uncock the gun and express how much he misses his now late wife. So holding all that emotion in while trying to be a police officer at the same time would probably make anybody a little off, right? I bring up this movie, because it was the love of Murtaugh and his family that lifted Riggs out of his mental condition. He didn’t talk to a therapist which he likely needed to, it was the love of his new partner and family. Maybe what’s keeping some people from losing their minds is love. The love of God. The love from family and friends. I believe the writer was right when they said, “What the world needs now is love sweet love.”

The church I attend now had 3 prior pastors, one of which was my Dad. Dad would sometimes get up for his sermon and just read from hymn 425 in the COGIC Hymnal.

“I was sinking deep in sin, far from the peaceful shore, Very deeply stained within, sinking to rise no more; but the Master of the sea heard my despairing cry, from the waters lifted me—Now safe am I. All my heart to Him I give, ever to Him I’ll cling, in his blessed presence live, ever His praises sing. Love so mighty and so true merits in my soul’s best songs; faithful, loving service too to Him belongs. Souls in danger, look above, Jesus completely saves, He will lift you by his love out of the angry waves. He’s the Master of the sea, billows his will obey; He your Savior wants to be—be saved today. Love lifted me, love lifted me, when nothing else could help, love lifted me; love lifted me, love lifted me, when nothing else could help, love lifted me.”

I will admit now that I realize that some may be reading this that do not believe in God. I’m not here to argue with anybody about the existence of God. That’s your prerogative. I will say that you must talk to somebody if you’re dealing with some type of anxiety or suicidal thoughts, God or not. Keeping that kind of stuff in is not healthy. Find an ear you can vent to that would use their mouth to spread your business or their fingers to spread your business on social media. To those that don’t believe in God, I will say you can vent to God and don’t have to worry about him spreading your business. I’m just saying.

As I write this, we as wrestling fans are worried about the well being of a wrestler that recently went on Instagram and contemplated suicide. Apparently, this wrestler had a gun and read out their last will and testament. In the last month this is the second wrestler I’ve seen make a video with the subject of ending it all. The spirit of suicide is not a game. I understand that wrestling is a work, but the people behind the characters we love or despise have real life issues. I understand the feeling of wanting to end it all. I never would have the guts to make a video about it. I have cried myself to sleep night after night due to mental anxiety. Why did I never do it? Because of the love of my family and church family. I’ve mentioned this before and it’s still holds true, I have to learn how to love Daniel. You must learn how to love you. Find something good about yourself and build on that.

Now if you know somebody that is dealing with said issues, don’t just say love you got to show love. Fred Hammond said, “When you say how are you doin'/ Do you really wanna know/ And are you concerned, yeah/ And if you had the solution/ But it took some of your time or some cash or whatever/ Are you willing.” The chorus goes like this.

“Not just what you say {It's mostly what you do}
Not a game that you play {To keep the winning hand with you}
Not just wasting time {With empty words that don't mean much}
Not just how you feel {When others need your tender touch}
So can you take out some time {To help somebody else in need}
And when this is done {The love of God is truly seen}
Then above all {We need to cover and forgive}
Then we can act like we know what love is”

With people hurting with a pain that doesn’t seem to be going away this is not the time to play with people emotions. The wrestlers I talked about before are just two examples of people dealing with mental health, and many other people that are dealing with the same issues but unlike some people, they have a platform. September is suicide prevention month. There’s a hotline you can call 1-800-273-TALK (8255). You can call on God. My inbox is open. There are people that are willing to listen and love on you. Not everybody Is out here preying on you, some are praying for you.

That’s all I have for this post. I thank you for reading it. I thank those who keep encouraging me to keep writing. I do ask that you please share this post around if you feel led. This is a subject matter that really hits home to me. I know I talk about mental health a lot lately because I see a lot of it on my timeline on the daily. Me myself, I’m still dealing with it. So, here we go. Me writing is my therapy. And if you talk to somebody, one time is not enough. There’s a reason why the Bible says, “…men ought to always pray and not faint.” The old song says, “Don’t stop praying! The Lord is nigh; Don’t stop praying! He’ll hear your cry; For the Lord has promised, and His Word is true; Don’t stop praying; He’ll answer you.”

Ok now I’m done.

Stay Saved,

Daniel Richerson

THIS BLOG TOOK A TURN

This was originally going to be another blog about my depression and suicidal thoughts. Then I realize that I couldn't do that. I didn't want to continue to live in misery. We all got issues. We all have bruises. I just thought it wasn't a crime to say "Ow" sometimes. March 23rd I wrote a post I titled, "Unspoken", and I was very open about mental issues and anxiety. I would say that I had them. My little sister left me a comment that said, "you’re working through anxiety and mental health issues, sibling. It does not have you nor do you have it!!" And I thought she was crazy. Like I'm living with this. I know what goes on through my head on a daily, how you going to say I don't have anxiety, and mental issues? 

I believe she was trying to tell me that I have to be careful what I speak over myself. The Bible says in Proverbs 23:7a "For as he thinketh in his heart, so is he..." The last clause of Luke 6:45 "...for of the abundance of the heart his mouth speaketh." The song writer said, "Sometimes you have to encourage yourself." It's nice to get encouragement from love ones. I believe we all like a little encouragement every once in a while, but when you feel like you're not getting any encouragement, why not encourage yourself? You may not see what you're speaking, but as my old Pastor once said, "Faith is daring the soul to go beyond what the eye can see." Song writer said, "I may not see it, but I hear it." Somebody else says, "You got to see it before you see it if you're ever going to see it" Let's go Bible. Hebrews 11:1 "Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen." Proverbs 18:21 in the Good News Bible, "What you say can preserve life or destroy it; so you must accept the consequences of your words."

Now the question comes how can you truly encourage yourself if you don't like yourself? I would say that's a legit question. I'm still growing in that department of liking Daniel. Find a reason to smile. Find that reason to laugh and smile. Some would say as a Christian, you don't do what necessarily feels good to you all the time, which is true, but you can find a reason to laugh. Don't let depression kick your butt. Turn the news off. If you can't turn social media off, you can at least hide the posts you don't want to see or unfollow. Radio personality Charlamagne tha god often says, "Protect your mental health." By any means necessary. Instead of watching the news, watch a good movie. Listen to your favorite song. Distance yourself from people that mean you no good even if that includes family or the people you may go to church with.

I've been told for years that I got to start looking at myself through God's eyes. What does God say about you? Forget what other people say about you. Jeremiah 29:11 in the Amplified Bible, "For I know the plans and thoughts that I have for you, says the Lord, plans for peace and well-being and not for disaster to give you a future and a hope." Another verse comes to mind Philippians 2:5, "Let this mind be in you, which was also in Christ Jesus." Song writer said, "His report says I am healed/ His report says I am filled/ His report says I am free/ His report says victory." Take notice what report didn't say. Nothing about anxiety, depression, etc. Not saying those feelings won't come, but don't give in. Keep walking. 

I want to take this time to thank my sister for checking on me just about everyday to make sure that I'm ok. I want to thank the people in some of the livestreams I go into, for making a person dealing with being alone among other things feel welcome. From the church streams to the gaming streams. Thank you. I want to thank all of you who has help me keep my head up and in the game. I know I don't communicate like I should, but thank you for loving me anyway. I want to thank all the people at the cardiac rehab center I go to for helping me get through my workouts. Thank you all for reminding me that I'm not walking alone.

I hope something was said that helped out. I hope if you feel led, you share this post all you can. Continue to pray for your boy.

Stay Saved,

Daniel Richerson

Unspoken

Back in September 2013, I was struggling to breathe at night. That was going on for months but I was against going to the hospital. The July before that I went back to California for the first time in over 20 years where I got asked if I remembered things from when I was 4 when I left. Not really. Anyway, I couldn't sleep at night. One night in September I couldn't take anymore, I told my little sister, who had told me to let her know if I needed to go to the hospital. I let her know. I couldn't lay down flat on the bed. I felt like I messed everything up. I felt guilty. I felt I let everyone down. So I ended up going to the ER. Turns out I had a lot of built up fluid, and my blood pressure was stroke level high. In my mind this was punishment for all the crap I put my little sister and my parents through over the years. I can remember they wanting to do an MRI but I couldn't lay down flat and breathe properly. I ended up spending a few  days in the hospital. I remember one day I was eating lunch and this doctor came in and told me that I wouldn't make it to 30. Side note, I'll be 34 this coming May. And they had a nutritionist come in and told me about this low sodium diet. I was told to find a doctor. They put me on medicine to take. One main thing that sticks out is the day I got out, they put me in the wheel chair, and it felt like I waited forever for someone to get me. At that point, I felt alone. I went into a state of depression. My  Mom came to the room I was in, and she wheeled me out to the car so she could take me home.

You know that phrase, "If you don't learn from history, you're doomed to repeat it?" I barely looked for a doctor, so I stopped taking the medicine I was on. I broke the low sodium diet and basically did that I did before. All because I didn't care about my own well being. I had a few temp jobs but nothing that ever felt permanent. Christmas Day 2014, I was at my Aunt's house. Couldn't lay back down again. It wasn't as bad as it was the year prior, but I couldn't get comfortable. Again I felt like I let everyone down. I felt guilty. Like this was payback for something I did. I ended up going back the hospital, but this time it was a different hospital. Again the blood pressure was stroke level high. Spent a few days in the hospital again. Highlight of this trip was a cousin coming to my room to visit. I didn't expect it. Again a doctor came in the room and told me that I wasn't going to make it to 32. (Reminder 34 in May) This time around I got a doctor. When I got let out this time around the staff at this hospital was quicker and getting me out the room. 

March 27, 2020, I was driving home after dropping a dude off at work. I failed to yield to traffic, made a left turn, and got hit by a truck. The car didn't make it, but I did. I got a ticket for failing to yield. I had no damage to me. So, Daniel messed up again. At that same time, my Mom was in the hospital because of Covid. (She's healed and doing well now) So I just hit by a truck. I survived with no injury, while at the same time worried about my mom. This was right before everybody started wearing masks. So I was trying to keep from crying on the side of the road. Trying not to break on the side of road. My Pastor ended up picking me up and taking me home.

Later in 2020 spent some time in Iowa, I got real sick. Again, couldn't sleep. I was struggling to breathe with the mask on. First thought in my mind, I got it. It finally got me. The "It" of course being covid. When we got back to South Carolina, I went to my doctor's office, and got tested for Covid which was the highlight of my day at that point. Nothing like haven't a long q tip stuck up on your nose. I got a refill of all the medicines I stopped taken. I immediately started back taken them. The doctor that treated me was sure that I had Covid. Spoiler alert, test came back negative.

Here in 2021 I'm sticking to my medication, I do cardiac rehab twice a week. I'm not crossing every "t" or dotting every "i". I say again, I'm not where I want to be but Thank God--

That's all I got for this one. My goal is not to come off as a know it all. I try not to come off as I know everything. I'm just a 33 year old guy with anxiety and mental issues, speaking from his heart. I want to take this time to thank all of you for the support and encouragement. I really appreciate it. If you want to share this you can share it.

Stay Saved,

Daniel Richerson

I'M NOT IN A HURRY TO GET BACK TO NORMAL

 Luke 18:11-14 KJV The Pharisee stood and prayed thus with himself, God, I thank thee, that I am not as other men are extortioners, unjust, adulterers, or even as this publican. I fast twice twice in the week, I give tithes of all that I possess. And the publican, standing afar off, would not lift up so much as his eyes unto heaven, but smote upon his breast, saying, God be merciful to me a sinner. I tell you this man went down to his house justified rather than the other; for every one that exalteth himself shall be abased; and he that humbleth himself shall be exalted.

I don't know why I say the things I say or do the things I do on social media. Sometimes I feel like I try to hard to be accepted by people that I take little things like no reactions personal. Needless to say I'm not in a hurry for things to return to normal. Can I be honest and say "normal" wasn't so great for some of us. What's going to happen after we go back to "normal." Are we with issues going to be cast to the side again? Are people different from us going to be condemned and kicked out the church again? Are we going to go back to the same old pre pandemic church? Are the going live prayers going to stop because things are normal? Are businesses that were started going to be done because things are back to normal? Are we going to continue to be focused on the "Old Time Way" and completely ignore the new wave? What are we in a hurry to get back to normal for?

Loneliness didn't start in March of 2020. Depression didn't start in March of 2020. Anxiety issues didn't start March of 2020. What is the normal we want to get back to? I'm not in a hurry to get back to normal. I was asked one time is there any one I talk to outside of church? Not counting social media or twitch, I don't talk to anybody. I go to live streams just to hear people say Hi Daniel or what's up Daniel and not feel pressure to put on an act. I can be Daniel Richerson with no pressure. I can count on one hand of the real people I feel that comfortable with in "real life." 

I'm reminded of a verse that was told to me during an altar call some time ago. Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the Lord, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end." That put a little ease on the on the constant scan my brain tends to be on all the time. You know how you're in the car and you're looking for a radio station to listen to? So you hit the scan button so it goes through random radio stations until you hear a song you like. That's why when people ask what's on my mind I can't answer. That's a loaded question. 

So the question comes why am I not in a hurry? Long answer short, fear of the the unknown. Fear of going back to saying "No more church as usual" with no action. I've grown numb to church clichés with no action. I heard for years that we got to get out the four walls. All the while staying comfortable in their spot on the pew their spot on the totem pole. Keep in mind these are the same people that would say, "Get out your comfort zone." 

My heart really does go out to those who are begging for someone to care about their depression. I remember in high school I would write down statements like, "I'm so sick of being lonely" thinking nobody would read them. One of my old classmates happened to see what I wrote and she encouraged me writing something to the effect of, "Jesus is with you you're not alone." I can't remember verbatim what she wrote, but I really was thinking that nobody would see what I wrote. I didn't think anybody would care. Let alone somebody at high school. The next day she brought me a cookie on a stick with a happy face on it. That was unexpected and something I'll never forget. I was looking for someone to care, and was not expecting it to be one of my classmates. Some of us dealing with depression are just looking for someone to say I care, not to use our situation in a sermon or judge us. We just want to someone to care. When someone is hungry you give them food, right? I mentioned in previous posts that some of us is just looking for an ear to talk to. 

When this pandemic is truly over, let's not just go back to the old time way cause we can, but take what we've learned and developed during the pandemic and apply it. It's a waste of time learning new plays just to go back to the old plays and lose the game. Growing up I would hear, "It's not in the crowd it's in the cloud." When the crowd comes back to the sanctuary lets not forget the cloud that's been with us during the pandemic. Let's also not forget those who dealt with depression, loneliness, and anxiety during the pandemic. Continue to check on those that say they're ok. Continue to do live prayer time if that's your ministry. It is said that if you don't learn from history you're doomed to repeat it. 

That's all I have for this piece. I want to thank God. I want to thank you all for the continued support. I want to thank those that share my posts. My hope is that if I can reach one who possibly may feel the same way I do and realize they're not the only one maybe we can get well together. Follow me on my socials if you want to. Feel free to share this post all around if you feel led. I don't mind.

Stay Saved,

Daniel Richerson

IT'S NOT TOO LATE

 I was waiting to post something new, but something my little sister told me, "Don't stop being creative." Through this pandemic, it hasn't been all bad. A lot of people worked on making their dreams come true. A lot of people started new businesses. Some people actually used this time of quarantine wisely. Now if you're like me, time got away from you during this time. I can speak for myself, my anxiety went from 50 to 100 real quick. I would have ideas to go back on YouTube, to start a book, to put a group of blogs together for a possible book, and yet here we are. I've always had anxiety issues, but like America did with racism, I swept it under a rug and thought I had it under control.

As I'm typing this we're going on 8 months of nobody really knowing what to do. People want things to go back to normal, but at the same time we got to define what is normal. Do we continue to sweep the issues we have as a nation under a rug and continue to go on day by day without acknowledging said issues. I know from personal experience if you continue to try to contain the issues without talking about them, you are going to blow up. This is exactly what happened in America. America swept racism under a rug and tried to keep that part of its history concealed. Then George Floyd happened. Breonna Taylor happened. Elijah McClain happened. Countless other incidents happened reported or not. And boom went the dynamite. Point is, we can't heal what we can't reveal. Kirk Franklin once said, "A doctor can only heal what we reveal." 

So what's next? Unfortunately we can't go back in time and fix what we did or didn't do to fix the timeline. So what do we do? I was sitting down one night and I heard this as clear as day,
"As long as you're breathing, it's not too late to make your dreams come true." The same God that did it for others the last 7 months, can do it for you this month. The question then comes that I've asked before in a previous blog, what do you want to do? What is that dream that you can't let go of? What is that thing that you can do? Then comes the effort. Then comes where the Bible says, "Faith without works is dead." Then comes where I heard it said, "You got to put feet on them prayers." We've been sitting down on it too long. We've been letting it fester too long. Let's get up and get it. Three words that I've seen from a lot of posts on social media, including some of my blog posts, simply "Don't give up." 

The Bible says, "If ye have faith as a grain of mustard seed, ye shall say unto this mountain, Remove hence to younger place; and it shall remove; and nothing shall be impossible unto you." The Good News Bible says it like this, "I assure you that if you have faith as big as a mustard seed, you can say to this hill, 'Go from here to there!' and it will go. You could do anything!" Luke 1:37 "For with God nothing shall be impossible." Ephesians 3:20 "Now unto Him that is able to do exceeding abundantly above all that that we ask or think, according to the power that worketh in us..." 

A  song that I've had on repeat, He'll Do It by Fred Hammond, goes, "My faith will carry me right to my destiny. I am sure and there's no doubt in my mind He'll do It." I suggest listening to that song it's been very motivational for me to keep going. 

So let's stop sitting around doing nothing but being jealous of those who went and got it. The Bible says, God has no respect of persons. God shows no partiality. Let's stop letting fear stop us from making moves. If a little bit of faith can move a mountain, imagine what a little bit of faith can do with your dreams and aspirations? If you're reading this, that means you're breathing. That means you still have shot. That means we still have a shot to make our dreams come true. James Fortune said it like this, "Dream again." 

Stay Saved,

Daniel Richerson

A LITTLE BIT OF FAITH IS STILL FAITH

 "Something down inside of me telling me to go ahead"

"I almost gave up but a power that I can't explain fell from heaven like a shower." (Kirk Franklin)

"I'll trust You, though is not easy. Sometimes the pain in my life makes You seem so far away, but I'll trust You. I need to know You're here. Through the tears and the pain. Through the heartache and rain. I'll trust you." (James Fortune)

"In spite of all I've done, Jesus You keep on looking out for me." (Kirk Franklin)

"If I concentrate on all the bad

And all the things I wish I had

How can the dark clouds ever pass?

Weeping may endure for a night

But joy comes in the morning light

God'll keep your spirit right

So, no matter what the people say

Ain't nobody takin' this joy away

Inspite of everything I've been through

I can say

Thank you Jesus, thank you Jesus" (Kirk Franklin)

In 2014 around September, I believe, I had a job working at this company Velux. As I am now, I was stand offish because I didn't know anybody, which made me an easy target of jokes. I was in my late 20s still dealing with other people talking about him. That's beside the point. One particular night, I was eating lunch which was a little bit of leftover Chinese food. One of my coworkers made a comment about how much food I had or didn't. I then made a comment that went something like, "Well, I've had less." Basically pointing out the fact that a little more than 3 years prior I didn't know when my next meal was coming from. So that then turned into a conversation about my story. Not having a home not having a  meal. I basically shared my story. That was really the first time I opened up about that. I got comfortable to finally having a roof over my head, and no longer being hungry like I was. I never really shared what I went through. So when I shared, I broke down. I tried my best to stop the tears from falling, but I didn't win that fight. What really broke me even more was after lunch break, I was still trying to get myself together. I was at my spot trying to do my job the best I can. Another one of my coworkers heard about what happened and my story, and he said, "To go through what you've gone through and still be able to stand here and work. You're a hell of a man." That was it for me.

I bring this story up because it was at this point where I felt that there was a reason for me to make it through all that I went through. It was as that point where I felt that I didn't go through what I went through for nothing. It was at that point where I felt that I had purpose. I knew I had purpose, but I didn't really feel that I had purpose. That night showed me, even if it was a glimmer, it showed me that my story meant something. Being a church kid, being raised where testimony service was still a thing, I heard, "We're overcome by the word of our testimony and the blood of the lamb." I believe that's based on Revelation 12:11. Song writer said, "My test became my testimony to tell." 

I'm not the only one with a story. I'm not the only one that knows what hope looks like. A glimmer of hope is still hope. A little bit of faith is still faith. Old song says, "You don't need a whole lot, just use what you got. Faith, faith, faith, just a little bit of faith." So I encourage you, and I encourage myself, to hold on to that faith. Hold on to that hope. God loves you despite of whatever you did or done. How can I say that? Well Romans 8:38-39, "For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angles, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come, nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord."

That was the first time an idea of writing a book came to mind, but I never really went in on it. I was still dealing with depression and self-doubt. In some ways, I'm still dealing with it. So the question is, how do I keep going on? How do I keep walking with my limp, as Jonathan McReynolds put it. To be honest, not to be cliche. It's God. Old song says, "He could have let me drown, but instead He took me in"

The Bible says, "Without faith it is impossible to please God." A mustard seed of faith can move mountains. We got to stay in the Bible. Stay in the field. Old song says, "Stay in the field, until the war is ended." I know we want people to care about us, but we got to care about us. We got to find value in ourselves. We got to see the worth in us. Somehow we got to learn to see through God's eyes not our own eyes. The Bible says, "Death and life is in the power of the tongue." So what are you speaking over yourself? What are you speaking over situations? What are you speaking? 

I heard Kirk Franklin say some time ago, "We no longer have to perform for God. We can go to God just as we are." What's that mean? Some churches look at you strange if you don't praise right. If you don't dance right. You can't praise like anybody else because you didn't go through what they went through. You know what you went through. Praise God for you not for anybody else. I heard somebody say, "Give God a praise that don't belong to anybody else." 

Now I put songs at the beginning. These are just some of the songs that help me get my mind right when I get down. When my anxiety kicks in, I go to songs like these. I go to people that I know can pray like my Mom and my little sister. I try to stay positive while I'm scared. I try to stay sane while feeling insane. I learn how to take the meat and spit out the bones. One thing I am making sure of is that I don't become so down that I don't fall for every "word" that comes my way. Why? Because a lot of pastors and leaders, not your pastor, not my pastor, but some pastors have become predators in sense that they're preying on your emotions. Even tough we're in a pandemic, those people that charge you for a prayer are still preying. Be careful. Hollywood is not the only place that's full of actors.

That's all I got for this one. I hope you got something out of it. If you read this far, can you please share? Thank you for reading.

Stay Saved,

Daniel Richerson

WE CAN'T BREAK DURING THIS SEASON

I'm not going to try to speak for everybody, but I will speak for myself. My anxiety has been making itself known during this season we're all going through. As a church kid, we don't get much teaching on how to handle anxiety. I'm glad that finally mental health is getting the focus it's been needing for years.

Don't be afraid to ask for help. There's a saying that goes, "A closed mouth don't get fed." Another one goes like this "We have not because we ask not" You can't get an answer if you don't ask the question. I once heard Kirk Franklin break it down like this, "A doctor can only heal what we reveal." Don't wait until it's too late. Have a little talk with Jesus tell him about your troubles. He'll lead you in the right direction. You want to talk to someone that won't prejudge you while you're talking. You won't find a lot of people like that. Not saying there aren't any, but it's not a guarantee. Jesus is that guarantee.

With that being said, I'm not going to sit here and say that it's easy to go to Jesus for your problems, when some of the people that serve Jesus won't even lead you to Him. People give you such generic responses to you pouring your heart out because the odds are some people don't care anyway. I believe one of the problems is that when people come to Christians for advise or just to have a heart to heart, some believers can't lay down the man made title and put on the title genuine. If there was ever a time for people need to genuine care for each other is now.

I have a tendency of holding stuff in for a long time. I'm not good at calling people because I need to talk. Even though at times that's what I really need to do, I don't. My fear of reaction stops me from calling people. I've always had anxiety anyway, but with this "pandemic" it feels like it's become harder for me. I put so much pressure on myself because of comparison. Meaning that I often find myself comparing my situation with that past generations and that's when the fear of "generational curse" comes in. I get in a mood set sometimes when I live not to disappoint. Sometimes I find myself doing things not because I need to do them, but fear of not pleasing people that have gave me advise of what to do. So in my mind, if I don't do it exactly how they told me to do it, I'm doing it wrong. This is what I live with. So when if I'm giving someone a ride or if you see me at church, the mask is on. Doing what I got to do to get done what I need to get done only to come back home and have the same anxiety that I hide from everyone. 

One of my go to songs has been Okay by Canton Jones. I just want to hear to Lord, it's going to be okay. Another go to song for me has been Help Me by James Fortune. The title speaks for itself. Sometimes that's been my prayer, help me.

We got to find a way to continue to lift our hands. We got to find a way to not break. We got to find a way to stay in the field until the war is ended. We got to find a way to meditate on the Bible day and night "so that you may be careful to do according to all that is written in it. For then you will make your way prosperous, and then you will have good success." Find a way to put it on the altar and leave it there. God did not bring us this far just to leave us. So what i'm saying to everybody reading, and what I'm saying to Daniel, don't be afraid to ask for help. We can't break in this season. I heard a preacher compare it to a pine tree. Bend but don't break. 

Thanks for reading. Be sure to leave a comment and share with your peoples.

Stay Saved,

Daniel Richerson