2 MONTHS LATER...

For Lashun Pace. For Scott Hall. For any one else has transitioned, no  matter how long it has been. Thoughts and prayers with with the families. It's been two months since my Dad passed, and I will say I'm still feeling the affects.

I can also say that there have been more times now that I've felt great mentally. With that being said, at the same time I still have episodes here and there. What are episodes? Panic attacks. Attacks where my mind just wanders what if....Thank God now that some people know that what I deal with and they are showing compassion. I finally got the answer to the questions I've been asking for the last how many--for a long time, "Do you really love me? Don't you really care? Do you really need me?" I've come to realize that some people actually do. When the action of love is shown it hits different.

I remember being at the funeral home and having to change clothes because the shirt I had on didn't fit. The man at the funeral home opened the closed room where Dad was set up and seeing him in the casket, will be an image I'll never forget. It wasn't until some time later when it hit me that he wasn't going to wake up from that casket, and when it hit, it hit like a young Mike Tyson going for the knockout. I was surrounded by family, my sister had me by the arm, I had my sunglasses on, my pastor, Dad's pastor, my sister's pastor all there, and I lost control. That dam finally broke. Holding my emotions back the whole week before. Being around dogs that became like emotional support dogs and family, who were worried about me, I tried to be as strong as I possibly could. Then the realization hit....

I've always had a problem being different. I've always had an issue being Daniel Richerson. I've had an issue of being myself, and being ok with being myself. You know that awkwardness when you say something, and you get no response? Imagine that feeling all the time...

Like though even though I've been more and more open through these blogs, and I'm told that I'm helping somebody. There's still that fear of maybe I'm saying too much....I'm going to quote a lyric that I'm probably not allowed to quote, but it's a lyric that's been on repeat in my head during down time at my work station. 

"Sitting here sippin' on something to drink 

The enemy's got the best of me
And I gotta do something quick, before I go crazy
So many voices in my head, so load I can't even think
My friends and family are gone, my life is going so wrong
LORD, I need you to come, Oh! take me home, Oh! make
A way, Out of no way, MY HERO! come on and save the day!" R Kelly - Clean This House (Remix)

Thank God I have a support team that's actually worried about my well being. I had an episode one night at work, not going into details, but a good friend of mine got me away from my station and helped me. He told me that he had my back. That kind of stuff breaks me. When I have people asking if I'm ok when things look stressful. When God takes time to let you know that you are not forgotten...

This was all over the place, I apologize. I told y'all that I have problems putting the words together sometimes. I just want to be ok. There's this young lady that asks me how I'm doing every time she sees me, and I give her the honest answer that I'm meh. She asked me one night, "Why is it every time I see you, that's your answer?" Which is true, but I have told her that I'm good somedays and somehow she knew I was lying. She then told me, "I hope one day, you can say you're good, and really mean it." My response, "I hope so too." 

 If you got this far, I appreciate you for reading. I appreciate you for caring. Keep praying for me. I know I still don't reach out like people want me to. Just don't give up on me, ok? Please.

Stay Saved,

Daniel Richerson