WHAT IS YOUR REASON FOR LIVING??

During one of my counseling sessions, I was asked the question, "What is your reason for living?" I didn't have an instant answer for that question. You would think that a question like that would be easy to answer, right? One would think that's a weird question to ask someone. If you've been open about suicidal thoughts, it's not that weird of a question. Why do I keep going? 

Recently my family suffered a lost and I made a trip down state. Which had my anxiety at a high. I really don't like driving long distances, and the last time I went to make a drive that was at least an hour, I got arrested for reckless driving. Those charges got expunged and dismissed, but that's for a different blog. So with all that in mind, I made the trip and got to my Grandma's house safe with the thought that I was going home right after the memorial service. I didn't bring any medicine or extra clothes because again, I was in the mindset that I was going back home to isolation. After the repass, I ended up staying the night after it was decided that I would. 

All that to say I almost went home to isolation, rather than spend more time with family. What is that? Did it feel good being around others and around family? Yes it did. I guess I got used to being alone that it feels weird that people actually want to spend time with me. I don't like being a bother to anyone. I never want to overstay my welcome which is why I'm always ready to go home.

I'm reminded of the old hymn "Because He Lives." The chorus goes like, "Because He lives, I can face tomorrow. Because he lives all fear is gone. Because I know He holds the future, and life is worth the living just because He lives." The Bible mentions fear not or do not be afraid hundreds of times. It is written in Philippians 4:6-7 "Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus."

Does that mean anxiety isn't there? So why am I so anxious all the time? Why am I suffering like this day after day? What is my reason for living? Seems like every other article I see online people are dying. Celebrities and regular people a like. What is my reason for living? My main reason for living, is my mom. My family. I don't want to disappoint them. I don't want to let anybody down.

I have my issues. I'm in therapy. I take medicine. I'm still here that's all I can say.

Sorry that it took so long for another post. If this is your first blog post you've read of mine or if you're a long time reader, I appreciate you for stopping by.

Stay saved.

~Daniel Richerson

For Maurice Patterson. Miss you cuz.

HOW AM I REALLY DOING? PART III

 2020 was a hard year for most of us. Especially those of us that has struggled with low self esteem and mental health, 2020 seemed to enhance it. I heard a preacher say just because we're in a new year that doesn't mean the season changed. As of typing, Covid-19 is still a problem. Racism is still a problem. I'm pretty sure a lot of us are going stir crazy. As an introvert myself, one would think I'd enjoy being home. Not entirely. I get annoyed with people, but that doesn't necessarily mean that I want to be alone all the time. That's one of the main reasons that I watch reaction videos and try not to laugh videos because it feels like, at least for a moment, I'm not alone.

I'm not a hugger. Never really was a big fan of them. I can remember as a kid that I would give people the shoulder besides going in for the whole hug. That caused quite the reaction from people, and of course I took it well. Just kidding. Anyway, I bring up hugs, because if I can be honest about it, I'm going to regret this, but I kind of miss getting hugged. I mean that genuine I care for you hug. Due to the pandemic, that's been outlawed.

Those that have been reading my posts, you know that most of 2020 I dealt with my own personal anxiety, depression, etc. Well recently I sat down with a couple of spiritual advisors to talk about it. I didn't think I was going to be able to do it because I'm used to keeping stuff in not letting stuff out which is where a lot of my anger comes from. I'd hold a lot of stuff in because I didn't think anybody wanted to listen. Matter of fact when I was a teenager I believe, I actually went to counseling or therapy. It didn't last long, and I believe the reason it didn't last long was because I wasn't willing to really open up all the way. I basically cracked the door open with the door latch still on it refusing to remove the chain latch.

So with these recent two talks, I actually let the door open just enough so I can share what I've been holding in. Not all of it, but I got a good bit of old junk out. One question I was asked was, "Was there ever a time where you felt whole?" I thought about it and I honestly said no. I go back to being a church kid, I learned how to fake it hoping that people would leave me alone. Funny I felt lonely but at the same time I wanted people to leave me alone. I will say that it felt good opening up and not getting dragged or preached at. It felt good opening up about the why. It felt good to have an ear to talk to and not feeling like you're wasting your time. 

I was given verses to read and meditate on. One being Deuteronomy 30:19, "I call heaven and earth to record this day against  you, that I have set before you life and death, blessing and cursing, therefore choose life that both thou and thy seed may live." Choose life. With that I've been getting up and walking in place for 15 minutes +, while doing intermittent fasting 9 pm to 11 am, this gimmick called drink to shrink, and taking my medicine.

Another set of verses I was given was Philippians 4:6-8, "Be careful for nothing; but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God. And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus. Finally brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things." When your mind starts going off the rails, think on these things.

I want to thank all my family and friends that have checked on me and have and are praying for me. I want to thank the ears that were willing to sit down and hear me and talk with me. I want to thank you all for reading as I continue to learn how to love and forgive me. If you got this far, can you please share?

Stay Saved,

Daniel Richerson

Still Philippians 3:13-14

Part one: https://bigdusty.blogspot.com/2020/10/learning-how-to-love-and-forgiveme.html

Part two: https://bigdusty.blogspot.com/2021/01/learning-to-love-and-forgive-myself-prt.html