2 MONTHS LATER...

For Lashun Pace. For Scott Hall. For any one else has transitioned, no  matter how long it has been. Thoughts and prayers with with the families. It's been two months since my Dad passed, and I will say I'm still feeling the affects.

I can also say that there have been more times now that I've felt great mentally. With that being said, at the same time I still have episodes here and there. What are episodes? Panic attacks. Attacks where my mind just wanders what if....Thank God now that some people know that what I deal with and they are showing compassion. I finally got the answer to the questions I've been asking for the last how many--for a long time, "Do you really love me? Don't you really care? Do you really need me?" I've come to realize that some people actually do. When the action of love is shown it hits different.

I remember being at the funeral home and having to change clothes because the shirt I had on didn't fit. The man at the funeral home opened the closed room where Dad was set up and seeing him in the casket, will be an image I'll never forget. It wasn't until some time later when it hit me that he wasn't going to wake up from that casket, and when it hit, it hit like a young Mike Tyson going for the knockout. I was surrounded by family, my sister had me by the arm, I had my sunglasses on, my pastor, Dad's pastor, my sister's pastor all there, and I lost control. That dam finally broke. Holding my emotions back the whole week before. Being around dogs that became like emotional support dogs and family, who were worried about me, I tried to be as strong as I possibly could. Then the realization hit....

I've always had a problem being different. I've always had an issue being Daniel Richerson. I've had an issue of being myself, and being ok with being myself. You know that awkwardness when you say something, and you get no response? Imagine that feeling all the time...

Like though even though I've been more and more open through these blogs, and I'm told that I'm helping somebody. There's still that fear of maybe I'm saying too much....I'm going to quote a lyric that I'm probably not allowed to quote, but it's a lyric that's been on repeat in my head during down time at my work station. 

"Sitting here sippin' on something to drink 

The enemy's got the best of me
And I gotta do something quick, before I go crazy
So many voices in my head, so load I can't even think
My friends and family are gone, my life is going so wrong
LORD, I need you to come, Oh! take me home, Oh! make
A way, Out of no way, MY HERO! come on and save the day!" R Kelly - Clean This House (Remix)

Thank God I have a support team that's actually worried about my well being. I had an episode one night at work, not going into details, but a good friend of mine got me away from my station and helped me. He told me that he had my back. That kind of stuff breaks me. When I have people asking if I'm ok when things look stressful. When God takes time to let you know that you are not forgotten...

This was all over the place, I apologize. I told y'all that I have problems putting the words together sometimes. I just want to be ok. There's this young lady that asks me how I'm doing every time she sees me, and I give her the honest answer that I'm meh. She asked me one night, "Why is it every time I see you, that's your answer?" Which is true, but I have told her that I'm good somedays and somehow she knew I was lying. She then told me, "I hope one day, you can say you're good, and really mean it." My response, "I hope so too." 

 If you got this far, I appreciate you for reading. I appreciate you for caring. Keep praying for me. I know I still don't reach out like people want me to. Just don't give up on me, ok? Please.

Stay Saved,

Daniel Richerson

Day by Day prt 2

My Dad's homegoing was January 21, 2022. To be honest I haven't slept since. And that's the blog. Goodnight.

Hi, it's still a day by day thing. Working a customer service type job on lack of sleep is not something I would suggest doing. Working while dealing with lack of sleep also while depressed is not something I would suggest either. When it's busy, I'm good. My mind is focused on the job, and getting it done as quickly as possible. When the down time comes though, that's when my mind begins to wanders. When my mind wanders, that's when those trust issues make a comeback. That's when those questions I would ask, "Do you really love me? Don't you really care? Do you really need me?" come back to my brain.

I'm still having a hard time getting the words together both to make a blog out of them. The main reason I don't reach out is because I often think, what am I going to get out of this conversation, and thinking on that, I most of the time don't think it's worth it. No shade to anybody, but if I'm going to reach out I wanted to be at least worth my time. If I'm calling because I'm depressed, and I get lectured on other things that I don't even--...and I called because, I'm tired. I'm ready to jump off the balcony outside, and I'm getting lectured on if I'm putting my pants on right, or whatever--see what I mean? Again, no shade. I appreciate those who have told me that they are willing to talk if I call. Is the advice I'm going to get going to be sound advice...ok let me say this. I know it sounds like, "Oh, Daniel just wants to hear what He wants to hear. He doesn't want advise." I promise that's not the case. I'm just tired of empty conversations. 

I've had feelings of emptiness. Feelings of just wanting to scream like Michael and Janet. Shrek! I'm looking down! Trying to go back to normal. Trying to get back to streaming Sims 4, but it's empty. Trying to get back to the coffee o'clocks, but it's empty. For once, when I'm asked, "You good?" I say yes and actually mean it. I know people are wanting me to get away from blogs like this, but I don't want to post lies. I don't want to post something I'm not feeling.

My profile pic on FB and Instagram is still black for the time being. I know I'm going to change it when I'm ready to. I appreciate the people who have continued to check on me. I really do. When the action of love is shown, it hits different. I look at it like what Kirk Franklin penned when he said, "Jesus, You keep on lookin' out for me." Kirk is one of my all time favorite artist, not just Gospel, like all time favorite artists. An old song he penned that has helped me through this healing process is Let Me Touch You.

"Sometimes to me You seem so far away
And I wonder how to make it through the day
But if I can touch the hem of Your garment
Your power, I know, You can heal, Jesus
Let me touch You and see if You are real
When I'm down
Let me touch You
When I'm lonely
Let me touch You
When I'm discouraged
Let me touch You
Like I never have before
Lord, I need You more and more, Jesus
Let me touch You and see if You are real"

Ok, I'm done. Thank you for your continued prayers and thoughts for me and my family through this healing process. Again, it's a day by day thing. I'm sorry if I said anything offensive, that wasn't my intention. If you want to share this or if you don't thanks for reading. Continue to pray for those who are suffering mentally. Please continue to pray for those are grieving no matter how they're grieving and no matter how long it's been. 

~Daniel Richerson

DAY BY DAY

"One day at a time, sweet Jesus
That's all I'm asking of You
Lord give me the strength to do everyday
What I have to do
Yesterday is gone, sweet Jesus
Tomorrow may never be mine
So Lord for my sake 

Help me to take
One day at a time" ~ as sung by Mother Emily Bibby

It's been two weeks. It still doesn't seem real. I'm back at work because apparently that's supposed to help, and don't get me wrong, it is helping. When I walked back into work, they seemed really happy that I was back. When I was back at my station, the students were happy to see me back, and I was also happy to see them? Trying to put on a happy face to serve sandwiches and wraps, while trying to deal with the numbness of losing a parent, is not easy. So when I'm asked how I'm doing, I don't know. I tell people I'm taking it day by day. 

"Why doesn't Daniel call?" Because I don't know what to say. Even while writing this I'm struggling to find the words to say or the right way to put the words together that are in my head. What do you want to hear from me anyway? That I'm drained? That I'm ashamed that I wasn't further in life when this happened? That I never gave my dad a daughter in law while he was with us? That I feel more lonely that I've ever had before? That's not easy to just come out and say over the phone. Yeah I'm going to work, la di da, oh the money, but when I come home--

At the funeral, I was doing ok. I saw him in the casket. I was trying to get my tribute on the TV they had at the funeral home but I never got it to work. Just ended up playing it from my laptop. Seeing people gathered around the laptop to watch it was a sight to see. I was spending time with my great nephew. It wasn't until right before the service started, I broke. My sister was there to help me cry through it. My mom was behind us both praying. I was sitting with my brother and sister. I can't remember how long it has been since I sat with my brother and sister in a service.

I'm tired. For those that have been reading, I've been very open about my mental health the past couple of years. Dad was a supporter of the blogs. It's funny when I was heading to KY I was hoping to make him laugh again, only to find out he was gone before I even landed. I didn't say anything at the funeral. I wasn't able to. If I could hear him say, "Hey mister..." again--

I'm done.

~Daniel Richerson