ONE YEAR LATER

It's been a year, but it still doesn't seem real at times. Then a birthday passed and no gift card or text message. A Father's Day passed and I couldn't send a text message or call. Thanksgiving passed, with n conversation. Christmas passed, no conversation. A new year...yeah it's real, but I wish it wasn't. I started therapy, but I can't tell him about it. I was in the hospital for nearly a full week and didn't get a chance to hear from him...to say it sucks would be an understatement.

At his homegoing, I didn't say anything, because I couldn't find the words. Really I still can't find the words that I could've said during the service. Even trying to think of the words I would say is tearing my nerves up. I miss him. I wish I could tell him some things. I would give anything to hear him say, "Hey Mister," just one more time. 

I always wanted him to come down to SC and visit, but sadly that never happened. He did tune in to the live streams for church so technically he did see me in one of my elements. I just often wish that he could've seen it in person. I still dream about him as if he's still here. The dreams feel so realistic that in the dream I would forget that he's no longer...you know...

Sometimes I can still picture myself back in that funeral home seeing that sliding gimmick open and seeing Dad in the casket. That's probably a visual I'm never going to forget. I remember being overcome with emotions when it came down to sit down. I was wearing sunglasses. I wasn't tryin to be "Joe Cool" per say, I was just you know trying to had the emotions, but I think my entire body gave it away. When my sister asked me if I had something to say, I couldn't. I was asked why I didn't sing....I couldn't. I give a smart answer like only I would, but in reality, the moment probably would've wrecked me. The paranoia would've got me to not having a funeral in a sanctuary and we had no musician or no backing tracks...even with said things, there's no telling if I could've gotten through it.

I thank those who have continued to check on me. I thank those who have continued to pray for me. I thank you for loving me. I thank you for caring. Now for Dad's benediction,

"And now Lord as we depart from this place. As we go to our homes or where ever else we might go I pray Lord that You get us there safely, and bring us back at the appointed hour. In Jesus name, Amen. Now hug someone and be friendly."

Peace. Love, and

Stay Saved

Daniel Richerson

DAY BY DAY

"One day at a time, sweet Jesus
That's all I'm asking of You
Lord give me the strength to do everyday
What I have to do
Yesterday is gone, sweet Jesus
Tomorrow may never be mine
So Lord for my sake 

Help me to take
One day at a time" ~ as sung by Mother Emily Bibby

It's been two weeks. It still doesn't seem real. I'm back at work because apparently that's supposed to help, and don't get me wrong, it is helping. When I walked back into work, they seemed really happy that I was back. When I was back at my station, the students were happy to see me back, and I was also happy to see them? Trying to put on a happy face to serve sandwiches and wraps, while trying to deal with the numbness of losing a parent, is not easy. So when I'm asked how I'm doing, I don't know. I tell people I'm taking it day by day. 

"Why doesn't Daniel call?" Because I don't know what to say. Even while writing this I'm struggling to find the words to say or the right way to put the words together that are in my head. What do you want to hear from me anyway? That I'm drained? That I'm ashamed that I wasn't further in life when this happened? That I never gave my dad a daughter in law while he was with us? That I feel more lonely that I've ever had before? That's not easy to just come out and say over the phone. Yeah I'm going to work, la di da, oh the money, but when I come home--

At the funeral, I was doing ok. I saw him in the casket. I was trying to get my tribute on the TV they had at the funeral home but I never got it to work. Just ended up playing it from my laptop. Seeing people gathered around the laptop to watch it was a sight to see. I was spending time with my great nephew. It wasn't until right before the service started, I broke. My sister was there to help me cry through it. My mom was behind us both praying. I was sitting with my brother and sister. I can't remember how long it has been since I sat with my brother and sister in a service.

I'm tired. For those that have been reading, I've been very open about my mental health the past couple of years. Dad was a supporter of the blogs. It's funny when I was heading to KY I was hoping to make him laugh again, only to find out he was gone before I even landed. I didn't say anything at the funeral. I wasn't able to. If I could hear him say, "Hey mister..." again--

I'm done.

~Daniel Richerson

For my dad...

I don't know how to go into this post. I've tried and tried many times to get something typed...just so I could get my thoughts out. My dad is gone. Like forreal. I mentioned in the last post that a love one situation got worse, I was talking about my dad while at the same time now trying to say it verbatim...ly? I just landed in  Kentucky to see my family and to see my dad, only to get the news that Dad was gone. Initial reaction was I didn't know how to react. I didn't even freak out. I was numb. I was already numb at that point anyway because it felt like dad's situation kept getting worse. In the back of my mind I probably knew that it was coming, but you can flinch before a punch comes, the punch will still hurt. 

I truly believe my dad's the reason I'm a fan of comedy. He introduced me to The Three Stooges, Abbot and Costello, Don Rickles, Dean Martin, Red Buttons, Foster Brooks, WC Fields, Milton Berle, Ruth Buzzi, Rowan and Martin, Jerry Lewis, and many more. His love for music had a big influence on me also from The Beatles, Elvis, Hendrix, Temptations, Diana Ross and The Supremes, Stevie Wonder, Otis Redding, Gary Lewis and the Playboys, and a lot more from the 50s and 60s. Also professional wrestling. I actually got that from both sides of the family. Dad was a major influence on that. He took my sister and I the only major wrestling promotion show I've ever been. WCW Nitro at what was then known as the Bi-Lo Center January 3, 2000 (thank you google).

I can imagine Dad walking into the throne room sitting on the lap of God. Walking The streets of Gold with no more pain. No more struggle. Going fishing with my late Grandpa and others. I can imagine Him walking in and being greeted by his mother and sister. Dad was never a dancer here on Earth as far as I know. I bet he has a dance now. I can only imagine the conversation between he and the pastors that transitioned before him. Dad wasn't much of a singer...as a matter of fact not at all. This is his word, "I couldn't carry a tune in a bucket with a lid on it." Bless his heart. He was right though. I imagine he's making a joyful noise now. 

Being surrounded by family and dogs have really helped me. The phone calls, texts, messages, thoughts, and prayers have not gone unnoticed. I know I will have to reach out to someone. I will say this if I don't reach out, don't give up on me, please. I know thoughts and prayers have become cliche, but I promise you it's working. I know mentally this is going to take a toil on me. In a way it already has. I mean, I lost my dad. He wasn't perfect, but what father other than God is? We would check on each other via text to see how each other was doing. He knew I was a Tampa Bay fan and would text me when Tampa won. He'd read the blogs and give me feedback on them. We both went through hard times together. I believe we both came out better because of it. I'll miss him very much.

Stay saved,

Daniel Richerson