BETTER

Better. Webster defines it to mean more advantageous or effective. I asked myself a question one day. Why do we as people fear better? Is it that we fear what's coming might be better than what's been? Is it the fact that we're in the last days so you feel that it's impossible for better to come? Is it better might be a different way that you've done it or look at it and you fear change? 

In my 36 years, I find that some are going to see the negative in everything. You got to be careful being around people like that because spirits do transfer. I know I'm not the most positive guy in the world, but I'm getting better through therapy. Speaking of therapy, I'm down to one appointment per month. I'm still taking my medicine. So things are going good as far as that goes. I will say this, if you feel that you need help, it's out there for you. Don't let being miserable continue to be a life trait. Don't let that spirit continue to transfer to your love ones. Yes, I do believe in Jesus, but I also believe in therapy. He can work through therapy too. 

Back on the subject of better. Don't shut it out. I'm not implying that all change is better, but all change isn't bad either. Some people just want to be stuck in their present. Their present may not necessarily be this current time. Some people want to be stuck in the wash board era of doing things. Nothing that there's anything wrong with that, but we have washing machines and dryers. Nothing wrong with still having bunny ears on your TV, but everything is digital now so don't get mad at the TV for not working when it's using out of date programming. Bunny ears, kids, is another word for antenna. Antenna's are...never mind.

Better can be refreshing as well. Ever feel like you're stuck in the same cycle, and it seems that nothing is ever going to change. You feel like it's not going better, but then it happens. You get a new supervisor. That one coworker gets fired. The radio plays your favorite song. You go to church, and the sermon is just what you needed. I can't even explain how you can experience better but still go back to the same miserable cycle. 

Maya Angelou once said, "Do the best you can until you know better. Then, when you know better, do better." Some of us know better, but we choose not to do better because it's not comfortable. Doing something you've never done before almost never feels comfortable. There's another quote that says, "If you want something you've never had, you must be willing to do something you've never done." 

That's all I have for this one. I hope if got this far, you'll be willing to comment and share this blog with any and everybody. 

Stay Saved,

Daniel Richerson

IT'S BLOG OCLOCK! (MENTAL HEALTH UPDATED FOR THE PEOPLE)

Turns out when you don't take your medicine, there are consequences. Mental Health medicine is on the same timeline. See what had happened, I had ran out and I didn't call in about it...and then the consequences. Anxiety attacks which I have at certain times, are more likely to happen when I'm not on my anxiety pills. I know certain celebs say stopped taken their meds because, "This is the real me" well the consequences have been shown. My therapist told me that taking care of your mental health is just as important as taken care of your physical health. Oh, what were the consequences of not having my anxiety pills? Crying hard. Very emotional. Apologizing to the the air because nobody was home with me.

Before that anxiety attack, I felt like I was having a bit of what they call, cabin fever. Wikipedia defines Cabin Fever like this, "Cabin fever is the distressing claustrophobic irritability or restlessness experienced when a person, or group, is stuck at an isolated location or in confined quarters for an extended time." It's not like I'm stuck in the apartment, I can leave when I want...it's just no where I want to go. My therapist is trying to get me to be more social, and obviously, here I am typing a blog so I'm doing a fine job. Yeah, walking around the house randomly quoting Instagram videos is being social, right?

Ever get real sick of yourself? Honestly you ever like hear yourself on a daily basis and then be like, "ugh, please shut up." That's probably part of the reason people think I can't talk at first. Like have you heard me talk? Are you sure you want that problem? So the question was asked to me, "How do you get up and sing in front of people?" To be honest, I don't know. I just put the mic to my mouth, and do it. I try not to think about it too much. If I over think it, if I think about all the eyes that are on me in the building and via live stream, I wouldn't do it. I try not to sing for show. Which is why you don't see me post singing on the socials. Nothing against that, I just can't do it. It's like asking me to sing on the spot. The whole mind it goes blank. The nerves go into the shakes. 

The question came to me, "Why didn't you call (insert name) when you had the anxiety attack?" You mean to actually use the phone as a...phone? "Well what do you use the phone for?" Social media. Also it was really late at night, and the last thing I want to do is bother anybody with my problems. Don't get me wrong, I usually call my mom or sister when this happens, but mind you the last couple of times the attacks come, I was at work. I be at my station then all of the sudden I feel my mind going to that place, and my co worker, says, "Daniel, you need a break?" Then I go outside and cry it out. I then call my sister or mom to help calm me down and just talk me through it. I call them because I feel like they understand. Last thing I want at that point is to talk to someone that doesn't get it. Some attacks last longer than others. No, I can't tell how long by that attack. I just try to use the coping skills I've learned through therapy if I remember them. Breathing exercises again if I remember them. I do have a paper when the coping and breathing gimmicks on it, I just don't know where it is. 

I guess if you don't get anything else from this piece, I would say stay up on your medicine weather it be mental or physical, and that Daniel needs to get out the house more...etc etc etc. Well gang, that's all I have for this one. Feel free to share and comment if you have any thing to say. Peace, love, and

Stay Saved,

Daniel Richerson

IF YOU NEED HELP, GET IT

When I started therapy, my therapist and I came up with a couple of goals. One of the goals was to figure out what's triggering my anxiety and depression. Have I fully figured it out? It's easy to say yes just to keep the conversation going, but if I was completely honest, no. One thing I have learned is that being honest about how you're feeling or doing is not against the law. I will admit it's not easy. Especially when you're used to holding stuff in. When you finally do be honest, you'll usually get this reaction or something like, "Well it's about time!" I'd like to think that means that some people are willing to help out but if they don't know what's going on, how can they help? 

The only all knowing being is God, and yes, we're made in his image, but that doesn't make us God. I've used this quote before, but I heard someone say, "A doctor can only heal what we reveal." So therefore, you say nobody cares, but what have you revealed? Look as a dude that still has trust issues, I overstand that you can't tell everybody everything, and yet when an ear opens up to hear you, take advantage. I'm still learning how to do that.

Jesus said, "Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls." I know and understand that not all that are reading my posts are believers, but if you're looking for an ear that's always open... Song writer said, "He was there all the time. Waiting patiently in line." 

So I go to Beckman Center for Mental Health Services to see my therapist twice a month. I post that I'm going to therapy to show that it's ok to seek help. I don't know who I'm reaching with those posts or with these blogs. I type the blogs hoping that somebody get's something out of them, but at the same time realizing that these blogs are written by somebody with mental problems, so it kind of is what it is at this point.

What's my goal for this post? I guess it's what it is for most of my posts recently. To let the ones that are not ok that it's going to be ok. To those who feel forgotten. You feel like nobody cares. It doesn't matter what decision you make because you feel like it's not important. I've been there, and to be honest sometimes I'm still there. Just got to  take it one day at a time. Every morning you get up is a victory. Every moment that you don't give up is a victory. Every panic attack and emotional attack is just a sign that you're still alive. One of my favorite songs that I've quoted before says, "So if you see me cry, it's just a sign that I'm still alive. I got some scars, but I'm still alive." If you feel like you need help, seek help. There's help for you. 

So how is Daniel doing? Daniel is hanging in there. I'm still on antidepressants. I take 10g of melatonin to help me fall asleep. I feel lonely at times during the night, but as you can read, I'm still here. 

When I post blogs now, a bit of anxiety hits. Like will people like this? Am I wasting my time with these blogs? That "Do you really love me, don't you really care" thing. If you got this far, I ask that you share. Thank you. Peace, Love, and

Stay Saved,

Daniel Richerson

FIND YOUR REASON

It's been a while since it's been this bad. I couldn't stop crying. What's wrong? I don't know. That may not be acceptable but it's the truth. The phrase it's ok to not be ok may be true, but the fact of the matter is not being ok is a pain in the....but I've been doing good though. At least I feel that way. I've been going to therapy...maybe I shouldn't have been joking about it like I do, but it's how I get through a day sometimes. I joke around with a lot of things that I probably shouldn't. Again though I don't really know what triggered this crying spell this time. I've been crying publicly since school. Weather it's from embarrassment or getting made fun of which happened often.

I try not to live in the past, it's the reliving part that I have trouble with. Dad transitioned back in January of 2022, and I still dream of him often. It's always back in the apartments I grew up in that was known as the Landing. I can't recall anything traumatic happening there or anything, but for some strange reason my mind goes back to that point in my life.

The one thing I don't want to be is a distraction. Sorry if I ever was one to anybody. As I was crying I heard in my head, Get over it, be made whole. Don't you think I want to be whole? You think being like this is that path I wanted to take? Like I got a degree in depression and anxiety as a choice. This is just me typing things out. I understand people don't read the blogs anymore because they feel it may be my last one, but I do appreciate those that stick around and read them. 

FYI, I would never post my last letter online because I'd be too interested to see the response....just being real. So to put people at ease this is not a suicide letter. This is just me spilling what's in my head. I got a big head, so trust there's a lot in there. Speaking of suicide, those that have read these, know that I have suicidal thoughts. Before I came home from work one of my co-workers said it out bluntly, "Don't kill yourself." I got a hug from a supervisor and another co-worker. I went back to my station to get my stuff and one of the students gave me a hug and asked to pray with me. 

To use the quote I used last post, "I wish you what I have, people around who care." Yet, and yet, if we don't care for ourselves, then it may say it doesn't matter if anybody cares or not. Think of some of the suicides we've publicly heard about. Robin Williams was married with kids and was loved and adored by millions. Twitch was married with kids and was also adored and loved by a lot of people, but to both of them, that wasn't enough motivation to keep going. Charity starts at home. Love should start at home. If you can't love yourself....if you can't take care of your self....how do you expect to even attempt to take care of others or love others? Truly. 

This post was all over the place, but this is my way. Your way may be something different, but I urge you to find a way. Find your motivation to keep going. There's a reason to keep going. You just got to find your reason. Not saying it's easy, or that it's gonna be easy, but I'm saying is that that reason is out there, you just got to go get it. Peace and Love

Stay Saved,

Daniel Richerson

ALMOST A YEAR IN THERAPY...

 Something Don Rickles (RIP) would say in his act, "I wish you what I have, people around you who care." I've been in therapy for almost a year. During this year I've had many anxiety attacks, mostly at work. I've had trouble sleeping for the most part. My mind just goes different places when I get to the point of laying me down to sleep. I'm on two antidepressants, Zoloft and Abilify. All this and still dealing with grief. I don't know if that will ever go away.

Dealing with all that, with people who actually care makes the journey a little easier. It's like what the writer said, "Nobody told me that the road would be easy, but I don't believe He brought this far to leave me."

I want to apologize for not being as whole as some of you want me to be. That's part of the reason I apologize when I have the attacks I have because I don't want to be a burden to anybody. The attacks seem to always happen after my therapy appointments which is weird because the session go well. I get to work hoping to have a good night, then at one point of the night like clockwork, boom. I feel overwhelmed. Eyes get watery, and all of the sudden the thoughts I try to suppress, come back and I feel like I'm stuck. I try to fight it by "manning up" and doing the job, but even that becomes a tassel. Then the question gets asked, "Daniel, are you ok?" It took me a while to figure out that it's ok to not be ok. I've read that on many of social media posts, but to look someone in the eye and say no I'm not ok is not easy.

When I get to the point where I can admit that I'm not ok, that's when the release comes. I can go outside and get some air, pray, and or call someone. I come back to myself the best I can and come back to work. "Daniel, if you ever need to talk..." I'm slowly starting to believe some when they say that. Cause for so long...know what I mean? 

Without going into too much detail, I'm just going to say that suicide has been hitting a little too close to home. Having people around you is good but I feel what's important is what are those people doing? Do they care about your well being or are you just a number on the phone or a friend on a friends list. Having friends and family around is cool, but what does it matter if they don't care about your mental well being. Don't wait until it's too late to tell someone that you care. You telling someone you care might just save their life.

"I wish you what I have, people around you who care." ~ Don Rickles

Again I'm going to apologize, this time for the time between the blogs. I had a lot to say but I didn't know how to put it into words together? I don't know, I hope this makes up for it. If you got anything out of this please share. If you know anybody that also deals with anxiety and depression, maybe share this with them to let them know that they're not alone. Like I've said in the past, if I can reach one person, I feel that I've done my job. Peace, Love, and

Stay Saved,

Daniel Richerson

I'M PROUD OF....ME

November of 2018, Snoop Dogg got a star on on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. At the end of his acceptance speech, he said,

"Last but not least, I wanna thank me
I wanna thank me for believing in me
I wanna thank me for doing all this hard work
I wanna thank me for having no days off
I wanna thank me for, for never quitting
I wanna thank me for always being a giver
And tryna give more than I recieve
I wanna thank me for tryna do more right than wrong
I wanna thank me for just being me at all times
Snoop Dogg, you a bad mother******"

Allow me if you will to take a page of this book, and say that I am proud of me. Why wait for other's to say that they're proud? I want to take this post to say, that I'm proud of you, Daniel. We may not be where we want to be or where other's wants us to be, but as the saying goes, praise now, it could be worse. First let me say, that I'm proud that you're getting the help that you have needed for years. I'm proud that you took that step, and you've been seeing a therapist and been on antidepressants for almost a year. The growth that has come from taken that initial step has shown. Other's may not see the growth, but the growth is there, you and I both know it. 

I'm proud that you're taking your health more seriously. This last hospital bid was a real wake up call for us. First time ever in an ambulance. I know we relive that experience from time to time. Even typing about it, I can see us in the ambulance and them trying to put a oxygen mask on. Next thing we know we were in the hospital strapped to a bed. I'm proud that we have been doing our best to take our medicine every morning and night since we got out the hospital. We still got a ways to go as far as the LB's (weight) goes, but we'll get there.

I'm proud of you for not giving up when it would've been easy to. Back in 2011 when we and Dad were living out of a van, sleeping in parking lots and cheap motels it would've been easy to give up but we kept going. Back in 2013 when you went to hospital and the doctor's told you that you wouldn't make it to 30. It would've been easy and some would say understandable to give up at that point. Christmas of 2015 when you went back to hospital, you didn't give up. Getting fired from jobs, you kept pushing. Suicidal thoughts came, but you didn't act on them. I'm proud of you. We're here typing this because you didn't give up.

I'm proud of you for learning how to be yourself. For learning how to laugh out loud and not hide your smile. I proud of you for finding your smile because there was a time where we lost it. I'm proud that we learned to like Daniel Richerson for Daniel Richerson. I proud of the hard worker that you've become. The work you put in at church and the work you've put at jobs. Your time at jobs initially started out shaky, but we figured it out. I'm proud of you. 

Don't get it twisted, I realize that God gets all the glory but I don't believe there's nothing wrong with putting yourself over when you've spent a lifetime putting yourself down. Philippians 3:12-13 Easy To Read Version, " I am not saying that I have already reached that place in my life. I have not yet completely become the person that God wants me to be. But I am trying very hard to reach that place. That was Christ's purpose when he first made me his own. My Christian friends, I do not think that I have reached that place yet. But this is what I do: I do not think about past things that have already happened. Instead, I try hard to reach the things that are in front of me."

That's all I have for this post. This post may seem a little arrogant. It may not work. I just wanted Daniel to know that I'm proud of him. That's all. If you feel led you can share this post around. Thank you if you read this far. Peace, Love, and

Stay Saved,

Daniel Richerson

ONE YEAR LATER

It's been a year, but it still doesn't seem real at times. Then a birthday passed and no gift card or text message. A Father's Day passed and I couldn't send a text message or call. Thanksgiving passed, with n conversation. Christmas passed, no conversation. A new year...yeah it's real, but I wish it wasn't. I started therapy, but I can't tell him about it. I was in the hospital for nearly a full week and didn't get a chance to hear from him...to say it sucks would be an understatement.

At his homegoing, I didn't say anything, because I couldn't find the words. Really I still can't find the words that I could've said during the service. Even trying to think of the words I would say is tearing my nerves up. I miss him. I wish I could tell him some things. I would give anything to hear him say, "Hey Mister," just one more time. 

I always wanted him to come down to SC and visit, but sadly that never happened. He did tune in to the live streams for church so technically he did see me in one of my elements. I just often wish that he could've seen it in person. I still dream about him as if he's still here. The dreams feel so realistic that in the dream I would forget that he's no longer...you know...

Sometimes I can still picture myself back in that funeral home seeing that sliding gimmick open and seeing Dad in the casket. That's probably a visual I'm never going to forget. I remember being overcome with emotions when it came down to sit down. I was wearing sunglasses. I wasn't tryin to be "Joe Cool" per say, I was just you know trying to had the emotions, but I think my entire body gave it away. When my sister asked me if I had something to say, I couldn't. I was asked why I didn't sing....I couldn't. I give a smart answer like only I would, but in reality, the moment probably would've wrecked me. The paranoia would've got me to not having a funeral in a sanctuary and we had no musician or no backing tracks...even with said things, there's no telling if I could've gotten through it.

I thank those who have continued to check on me. I thank those who have continued to pray for me. I thank you for loving me. I thank you for caring. Now for Dad's benediction,

"And now Lord as we depart from this place. As we go to our homes or where ever else we might go I pray Lord that You get us there safely, and bring us back at the appointed hour. In Jesus name, Amen. Now hug someone and be friendly."

Peace. Love, and

Stay Saved

Daniel Richerson