FIND YOUR REASON

It's been a while since it's been this bad. I couldn't stop crying. What's wrong? I don't know. That may not be acceptable but it's the truth. The phrase it's ok to not be ok may be true, but the fact of the matter is not being ok is a pain in the....but I've been doing good though. At least I feel that way. I've been going to therapy...maybe I shouldn't have been joking about it like I do, but it's how I get through a day sometimes. I joke around with a lot of things that I probably shouldn't. Again though I don't really know what triggered this crying spell this time. I've been crying publicly since school. Weather it's from embarrassment or getting made fun of which happened often.

I try not to live in the past, it's the reliving part that I have trouble with. Dad transitioned back in January of 2022, and I still dream of him often. It's always back in the apartments I grew up in that was known as the Landing. I can't recall anything traumatic happening there or anything, but for some strange reason my mind goes back to that point in my life.

The one thing I don't want to be is a distraction. Sorry if I ever was one to anybody. As I was crying I heard in my head, Get over it, be made whole. Don't you think I want to be whole? You think being like this is that path I wanted to take? Like I got a degree in depression and anxiety as a choice. This is just me typing things out. I understand people don't read the blogs anymore because they feel it may be my last one, but I do appreciate those that stick around and read them. 

FYI, I would never post my last letter online because I'd be too interested to see the response....just being real. So to put people at ease this is not a suicide letter. This is just me spilling what's in my head. I got a big head, so trust there's a lot in there. Speaking of suicide, those that have read these, know that I have suicidal thoughts. Before I came home from work one of my co-workers said it out bluntly, "Don't kill yourself." I got a hug from a supervisor and another co-worker. I went back to my station to get my stuff and one of the students gave me a hug and asked to pray with me. 

To use the quote I used last post, "I wish you what I have, people around who care." Yet, and yet, if we don't care for ourselves, then it may say it doesn't matter if anybody cares or not. Think of some of the suicides we've publicly heard about. Robin Williams was married with kids and was loved and adored by millions. Twitch was married with kids and was also adored and loved by a lot of people, but to both of them, that wasn't enough motivation to keep going. Charity starts at home. Love should start at home. If you can't love yourself....if you can't take care of your self....how do you expect to even attempt to take care of others or love others? Truly. 

This post was all over the place, but this is my way. Your way may be something different, but I urge you to find a way. Find your motivation to keep going. There's a reason to keep going. You just got to find your reason. Not saying it's easy, or that it's gonna be easy, but I'm saying is that that reason is out there, you just got to go get it. Peace and Love

Stay Saved,

Daniel Richerson

STAY THE COURSE

Sometimes when I'm driving by myself, I talk to myself. I give myself a "motivation talk" if you will. 1 Samuel 30:6 "...David encouraged himself in the LORD his God." So on this one trip I was telling myself that I have to stop certain things. Telling myself that I know better.

James 4:17 "Therefore to him that knoweth to do good, and doeth it not, to him it is sin." I've heard it said once or twice that if you know better you do better. I was reminding myself that if I can do good on Sundays and Wednesdays, I can do good on the 5 other days of the week.

Proverbs 18:16 "A man's gift maketh room for him, and bringeth him before great men." Had to tell myself to keep blogging. Keep writing. Keep going. Don't give up. Your time is here. God is not through with you yet. You're not second fiddle. You're not a second class citizen. You matter. Your gift will make room for you. Song writer said, "God has not forgot. If He said that He would do it. It will come to pass. God has not forgot." That song applies to everyone. It is written that God's word will not return unto Him void. Which means God's word is valid. Galatians 6:9, "And let us not be weary in well doing: for in due season we shall reap, if we faint not."

Old hymn comes to mind that says,

"Because He lives I can face tomorrow

Because He lives all fear is gone
Because I know He holds the future
And life is worth the living just because He lives."

Now all this may seem simple to some, but sometimes it's the most simple things that we forget about this walk as a Christian. A lot of people say they're a Christian now. But being saved is more than a talk. It's the walk. Not just publicly or in the right surroundings, but as one artist put it, "After the show, after the set. After the music stops, what's next?" Anybody can act the part when the camera's on, but when the camera's off do you change character or do you continue to live it out loud. You got to live the life, even when no one is watching. Even when you're home alone and the temptations are at a all time high, what do you do then? Do you stay the course or do you get a little fix in thinking God understands, and I got time.

If you can't tell that in this year alone that life is not promised to any of us, I don't know what to tell you. I haven't seen so much death back to back like this. It's not even just famous people dying, It's family members, friends, enemies, etc getting out of here. It's time to make a decision.

Joshua 24:15 "And if it seem evil unto you to serve the LORD, choose you this day whom ye will serve; whether the gods which your fathers served that were on the other side of the flood, or the gods of the Amorites, in whose land ye dwell: but as for me and my house, we will serve the LORD."

I know this entry was kinda all over place, but I hope some kind of message got through. I hope you were blessed and encouraged. Feel free to share your thoughts and such in the comment section. Feel free to share the post, also. 

Stay Saved,

Daniel Richerson