LEARNING HOW TO LOVE AND FORGIVE...ME

One major lesson I've learned through 2020 is that I had to learn how to love myself. My mom put it like this, "You got to learn how to love Daniel." I don't publicize this a lot, but depression is something that I've dealt with since childhood. I think I can speak for a lot of people that this year especially, it feels like those of us that have those mental health issues, we hit a wall this year. It's something the church has finally become more vocal about it. I got trust issues too so I definitely don't open up to every body. When I say I got trust issues, the response is usually, "Well you shouldn't feel that way." Why do we feel that we can dictate how or what people feel from time to time? Every house is different. Even in the church. That line might cost me.

I found this definition of love, "to feel deep affection for" or "like or enjoy very much." So when one tells me, "You got to learn how to love Daniel," it tells me that I have to find deep affection for Daniel. I got to learn how to like and enjoy Daniel. I spend a lot of time alone by myself. When people talk about their circles, I barely got a dot. When I let people in, and when I feel that the circle is growing, it always seems like they disappear out of thin air and I'm by myself again. That's part of the reason why when you see me out in public, I usually keep a straight face so that I don't let people in only to have my heart broken again. Again, this line might cost me, but even amongst church folks. When I'm home, most likely I'm listening to music, or watching funny Youtube Videos just to help keep my head together.

I wrote a post some months ago taken from a New Edition song entitled, "Do You Really Love Me, Don't You Really Care." That was something I've asked myself regarding people around me all the time. Like when people ask me how am I doing, do they really want to know or are they asking to get something out of me. I want to publicly thank those that don't let me stay down when I get down. I want to publicly thank those that have the spiritual eyes and ears to know that I'm not ok sometimes. No matter how much I try to hide it.

I've had panic attacks at random times. The worse one came from when I was working at this manufacturing plant. I was at my station working and I couldn't stop crying. I could barely walk. I was dizzy. I ended up getting sent home because my partner that was working with me at the station saw that something wasn't right so she told the floor leader and she ended up sending me home. Here's the problem. My job was an hour away from where I live. So imagine in that state of mind driving home trying to stay focused. It was nothing but the grace of God that got me home safely.

I don't want to use that "s" word, but yes that has come to mind. In the state of depression that word is bound to come up from time to time, and believe me it has. I always went back to that old song, "Something down inside of me telling me to go 'head." But even with that something, I still needed to learn how to love myself and not be selfish to the fact that how would it affect others if I'd actually went through with it.

The problem then comes with the fact that I'm supposed to be a man of faith. I type all these blogs feeling dead inside sometimes and I get comments about how people enjoyed the posts and how the posts were inspiring. I remember at my 11th high school reunion, don't ask, I was approached by an old classmate and she told me that she enjoyed the posts. Even with those small glimmers of hope, I'd still feel empty like what is this all for in the end? 

Learning how to love yourself also means learning how to forgive yourself. If you've asked God for forgiveness, and you know that He has forgiven you, that should be enough for you to also say that you forgive yourself. I quote Kirk Franklin a lot, and I'm going to quote him again. On a interview on TBN, Kirk said, "David was a whore monger. David was a adulterer. David was a horrible husband. He was a horrible father, but somewhere in the text it says that David was a man after God's own heart." So what am I saying? God sees the worth despite of the mess. Somehow or another I had to learn how to see my worth despite of my mess. 

I talked about mental health, and it is an important subject in today's times more than ever, but we have to take the proper precautions to protect it. That means we can't watch everything. That means we got to cut off some dead branches so we can grow properly. That means that as much as I miss some of the people that used to be in my life, I got to let some if not all of them go. Song writer said, "I'm not going back, moving ahead. I'm here to declare to you my past is over in You all things all made new. Surrendered my life to Christ, and I'm moving forward." It is written, "Therefore if any man be in Christ, he is a new creature: old things are passed away; behold, all things are become new."

Now with all that being said that doesn't stop life from happening. It is written, "There hath no temptation taken you but such as is common to man: but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above  that you are able; but will with temptation also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it." In other words, God will never put more on you than you can bear. Jesus said, "Come unto me all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light."

All this to say that I'm on the pathway of learning how to love/like Daniel. I still got a ways to go, but with God's help and with the help of the right people, I'm going to make it. Paul told the Philippians, "Brethren, I count not myself to have apprehended: but this one thing I do forgetting those things which are behind, and reaching forth unto those things which before, I press toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus."

Stay Saved, 

Daniel Richerson

If you search for Kirk Franklin Steve Harvey TBN testimony from 2011, you'll find the video of Kirk dropping a lot of jewels.