Unspoken

Back in September 2013, I was struggling to breathe at night. That was going on for months but I was against going to the hospital. The July before that I went back to California for the first time in over 20 years where I got asked if I remembered things from when I was 4 when I left. Not really. Anyway, I couldn't sleep at night. One night in September I couldn't take anymore, I told my little sister, who had told me to let her know if I needed to go to the hospital. I let her know. I couldn't lay down flat on the bed. I felt like I messed everything up. I felt guilty. I felt I let everyone down. So I ended up going to the ER. Turns out I had a lot of built up fluid, and my blood pressure was stroke level high. In my mind this was punishment for all the crap I put my little sister and my parents through over the years. I can remember they wanting to do an MRI but I couldn't lay down flat and breathe properly. I ended up spending a few  days in the hospital. I remember one day I was eating lunch and this doctor came in and told me that I wouldn't make it to 30. Side note, I'll be 34 this coming May. And they had a nutritionist come in and told me about this low sodium diet. I was told to find a doctor. They put me on medicine to take. One main thing that sticks out is the day I got out, they put me in the wheel chair, and it felt like I waited forever for someone to get me. At that point, I felt alone. I went into a state of depression. My  Mom came to the room I was in, and she wheeled me out to the car so she could take me home.

You know that phrase, "If you don't learn from history, you're doomed to repeat it?" I barely looked for a doctor, so I stopped taking the medicine I was on. I broke the low sodium diet and basically did that I did before. All because I didn't care about my own well being. I had a few temp jobs but nothing that ever felt permanent. Christmas Day 2014, I was at my Aunt's house. Couldn't lay back down again. It wasn't as bad as it was the year prior, but I couldn't get comfortable. Again I felt like I let everyone down. I felt guilty. Like this was payback for something I did. I ended up going back the hospital, but this time it was a different hospital. Again the blood pressure was stroke level high. Spent a few days in the hospital again. Highlight of this trip was a cousin coming to my room to visit. I didn't expect it. Again a doctor came in the room and told me that I wasn't going to make it to 32. (Reminder 34 in May) This time around I got a doctor. When I got let out this time around the staff at this hospital was quicker and getting me out the room. 

March 27, 2020, I was driving home after dropping a dude off at work. I failed to yield to traffic, made a left turn, and got hit by a truck. The car didn't make it, but I did. I got a ticket for failing to yield. I had no damage to me. So, Daniel messed up again. At that same time, my Mom was in the hospital because of Covid. (She's healed and doing well now) So I just hit by a truck. I survived with no injury, while at the same time worried about my mom. This was right before everybody started wearing masks. So I was trying to keep from crying on the side of the road. Trying not to break on the side of road. My Pastor ended up picking me up and taking me home.

Later in 2020 spent some time in Iowa, I got real sick. Again, couldn't sleep. I was struggling to breathe with the mask on. First thought in my mind, I got it. It finally got me. The "It" of course being covid. When we got back to South Carolina, I went to my doctor's office, and got tested for Covid which was the highlight of my day at that point. Nothing like haven't a long q tip stuck up on your nose. I got a refill of all the medicines I stopped taken. I immediately started back taken them. The doctor that treated me was sure that I had Covid. Spoiler alert, test came back negative.

Here in 2021 I'm sticking to my medication, I do cardiac rehab twice a week. I'm not crossing every "t" or dotting every "i". I say again, I'm not where I want to be but Thank God--

That's all I got for this one. My goal is not to come off as a know it all. I try not to come off as I know everything. I'm just a 33 year old guy with anxiety and mental issues, speaking from his heart. I want to take this time to thank all of you for the support and encouragement. I really appreciate it. If you want to share this you can share it.

Stay Saved,

Daniel Richerson