LEARNING TO LOVE AND FORGIVE MYSELF PRT 2/HOW AM I REALLY DOING?

I've never been a good public speaker. I get nervous and end up trying to get a laugh. I don't do that out of disrespect, it's to keep from crying. I don't like to participate in arguments and debates which is why Sunday School started to miss me pre pandemic. So I type these blogs because it's my way of making my voice heard. I tried the podcast thing which was pretty easy because it was just me and the program audacity, and no one else in the room. So I felt free to speak my thoughts. When I would post the podcast, that's when the hypothetical leg would start shaking. This generation is told, why try to fit in when you were born to stand out...honestly I don't remember hearing that growing up. So my mindset was I got to fit in because I'm tired of my feelings being hurt. I'm tired of caring what people think. I'm tired of being tired. Even at 33 years old, I still have that anxiety.

That's when it becomes hard to like or love myself. I know I should be much further in life. I know that I'm a "grown man" and with that comes responsibilities. So I get in my own head, trying to impress the authority and when it goes wrong, I can't take it. So I end up apologizing for messing up. I end up apologizing for not being who other people want me to be. The pressure from others and the pressure I put on myself becomes overbearing so I end up contemplating---why am I still here? So when I do good, or when I get told that I'm doing a good job or I get told that I'm doing something right, I get emotional because I have trouble seeing the worth.

Some months ago I took a trip, and on the way back, I started having trouble breathing. Not just because of the facemask, but it definitely didn't help. I could barely get through the airport. Messages went out, prayers went up, and I made it home. Went to the doctor and I felt a little better, but not 100%. I was told that without good health I'm not as effective to the body of Christ. I spend the next few months lying about how I'm doing. I would say I'm ok to avoid conversation about how I'm really feeling and doing. That came back to bite me. It's written, depending on what version of the Bible you read, "The truth shall make you free" or "The truth shall set your free." If the truth brings freedom, then that means there's no freedom in lying.

Now being a child of the Church Of God In Christ, we're not really taught to admit that we're not ok. We're not really taught to admit how we're really feeling. We're taught to say, I'm blessed and highly favored. We're taught not to admit defeat, but the question comes is admitting that how you feel really admitting defeat?

So turns out I wasn't ok. I wasn't ok physically and mentally. I wasn't ok. Feeling obligated to do things that I didn't want to do. Agreeing to do things because it was the "right thing to do." I haven't realized that I can't help everybody. I have to realize that I can't keep putting my health at risk in order to help others. I have to realize that being selfish is not always a bad thing. Saying no is not selfish. Now it's easy for me to be helpful, but when it starts to feel like I'm being used like a puppet then that's when it becomes an issue. I was told that, "Once they use you up, they're just going to move on to the next person." I don't consider myself a bible scholar but I haven't read anywhere in the Bible that says, saying no is a bad thing. I read no where in the Word of God where it says, you have to be a yes man.

The question then comes, why is it so hard to say no? Why is it so hard to not allow people to use you up and throw you away? To some people it's nothing for them to say no. I've heard it's a thing that has to be learned. You have to learn to say no. I want to be able to say no without having to make an excuse for it. I want to be able to say no and not feel guilty about it. Stop feeling guilty taking my mental health seriously as well as my physical health seriously. So if I happen to say no sometimes, people just have to get over it. Easier typed than done if I'm keeping it 100. Because in my mind that "Golden Rule" comes to my mind. The Golden Rule if you don't know goes like this, "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you." In my mind, it goes to so and so helped me when I needed it, so I owe so and so a debt and every time ask I got to say yes. Even God doesn't say yes to everything, so why do I feel I need to?

So needless to say I still have a ways to go. This was not easy to type, but I felt that it needed to come out. Honestly this is not where I really wanted to go, but this where it ended up going. As I quoted in previous post, "Brethren, I count not myself to have apprehended: but this one thing I do forgetting those things which are behind, and reaching forth unto those things which before, I press toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus." Philippians 3:13-14

Stay Saved,

Daniel Richerson