My Dad's homegoing was January 21, 2022. To be honest I haven't slept since. And that's the blog. Goodnight.
Hi, it's still a day by day thing. Working a customer service type job on lack of sleep is not something I would suggest doing. Working while dealing with lack of sleep also while depressed is not something I would suggest either. When it's busy, I'm good. My mind is focused on the job, and getting it done as quickly as possible. When the down time comes though, that's when my mind begins to wanders. When my mind wanders, that's when those trust issues make a comeback. That's when those questions I would ask, "Do you really love me? Don't you really care? Do you really need me?" come back to my brain.
I'm still having a hard time getting the words together both to make a blog out of them. The main reason I don't reach out is because I often think, what am I going to get out of this conversation, and thinking on that, I most of the time don't think it's worth it. No shade to anybody, but if I'm going to reach out I wanted to be at least worth my time. If I'm calling because I'm depressed, and I get lectured on other things that I don't even--...and I called because, I'm tired. I'm ready to jump off the balcony outside, and I'm getting lectured on if I'm putting my pants on right, or whatever--see what I mean? Again, no shade. I appreciate those who have told me that they are willing to talk if I call. Is the advice I'm going to get going to be sound advice...ok let me say this. I know it sounds like, "Oh, Daniel just wants to hear what He wants to hear. He doesn't want advise." I promise that's not the case. I'm just tired of empty conversations.
I've had feelings of emptiness. Feelings of just wanting to scream like Michael and Janet. Shrek! I'm looking down! Trying to go back to normal. Trying to get back to streaming Sims 4, but it's empty. Trying to get back to the coffee o'clocks, but it's empty. For once, when I'm asked, "You good?" I say yes and actually mean it. I know people are wanting me to get away from blogs like this, but I don't want to post lies. I don't want to post something I'm not feeling.
My profile pic on FB and Instagram is still black for the time being. I know I'm going to change it when I'm ready to. I appreciate the people who have continued to check on me. I really do. When the action of love is shown, it hits different. I look at it like what Kirk Franklin penned when he said, "Jesus, You keep on lookin' out for me." Kirk is one of my all time favorite artist, not just Gospel, like all time favorite artists. An old song he penned that has helped me through this healing process is Let Me Touch You.
"Sometimes to me You seem so far away
And I wonder how to make it through the day
But if I can touch the hem of Your garment
Your power, I know, You can heal, Jesus
Let me touch You and see if You are real
When I'm down
Let me touch You
When I'm lonely
Let me touch You
When I'm discouraged
Let me touch You
Like I never have before
Lord, I need You more and more, Jesus
Let me touch You and see if You are real"
Ok, I'm done. Thank you for your continued prayers and thoughts for me and my family through this healing process. Again, it's a day by day thing. I'm sorry if I said anything offensive, that wasn't my intention. If you want to share this or if you don't thanks for reading. Continue to pray for those who are suffering mentally. Please continue to pray for those are grieving no matter how they're grieving and no matter how long it's been.
~Daniel Richerson
