May is mental health awareness month. I've steered clear of typing blogs regarding mental health lately, because of the narrative I've seen about it lately. I've read claims that those who post about their mental health is just looking for a spotlight. Claiming they're just looking to be seen. Seeing that kind of narrative has made me slow down with the mental health updates regarding my own, and I wasn't going to post any more about it, until--
Arlana Smith. Unfortunately her cries were not heard. In her own words, she hadn't been ok in a while even though people may have thought she was. She felt she failed at vocalizing that she needed help and that it was too late. She felt this was the only way she could have peace. How many people have we lost that have not been posted on social media? How many more do we have to lose? How many more people suffering are going to be ignored?
Again the question comes, "Why didn't they say anything?" Maybe they are. Maybe you chose to ignore the signs. We'll never know because unfortunately they felt ignored. People don't see the cries in the car before walking into work. They don't see the cries in the car before pulling up to church, then wiping your face to put on the church face. They don't see you trying to pray but it gets too overwhelming to continue so you just try to go to sleep. People don't know what they don't see so they judge what they by what they think instead of asking you, "You good?" Believe it or not, some people can actually tell if you're genuinely asking or just asking.
As I'm typing this, I'm a little over 2 weeks away from being 35, and I've never cared less about a birthday in my life. First birthday without my Dad. Dad would usually send me a $25 gift card. Wasn't much I know, but it was something. Since January 15th, my emotions have been all over the place. I now understand more what the writer said, "It's really no goodness of my own, but it's by the grace of God that I've been kept all this time and I still have the mind to go on."
I guess this is a good spot for a mental health update, I'm sure the people that don't care or think I'm looking to be seen have hopefully clicked off by now. Really it depends on the day. Some days, I'm good. Some days, I'm holding the invisible gun to my head. Some days, I feel like I'm working hard for nothing. Especially times when I'm working and others aren't and still sustaining. Like what am I doing wrong? Why would anyone fake that? I get tired. I get lonely. When things seem to be going right, that's when the yeah but comes. Yeah but you're almost 35 and still single. Yeah, but you're almost 35 and still leaving at home. Yeah, but you caused this and that.
I cry in silent. At times when I cry in public, I get looks. The young lady I mentioned earlier, she wrote many suicide notes before she finally gave in. Not every cry will be heard. Not every last note will be heard. She mentioned in her last post on IG, to make sure you check on your strong friends. It's mental health awareness month. Are we aware yet or are we still ignoring the cries of the silent?
~Daniel Richerson
