Ever been in a situation where you help and help and help, but you can't get the same help in return? You start to feel alone. You start to feel that nobody cares. You get the occasional, "You ok?" and with tears rolling down your face you say that you're ok just so you're not a burden. The question then comes, "Well, why don't you just ask for help? A closed mouth don't get fed." In your mind, you've been screaming for help, but it doesn't necessarily come out verbally. Silent screams for help still count. When you're suffering mentally, your call for help may come out as silent. Your call for help sounds mute to the untrained ear. When I talked before about being that young guy at the table at the convention crying, you don't think I was screaming for help? Dafney Unger, Robin Williams, Chester Bennington, Chris Kanyon, Hana Kimura, Ashley Massaro, and many others...you don't think they were crying for help before they ultimately decided to give up hope?
I often bring up music on my post. We talk about songs that "brought us through," but allow me to say that those songs are still being written. I was raised on old hymns, but hymns are still being written. They may not be in the COGIC or Baptist Hymnals as of yet, but they are hitting just are hard as the old hymns, in my opinion. One song that really helped me recently was Nobody Cared by Canton Jones.
"Jesus you loved me When nobody cared You loved me When nobody cared You loved me When nobody cared At all"
That part was on repeat in my mind as the tears were flowing down my face. Another song that does that for me is I Will Find A Way by Fred Hammond.
"I've lost so much down through the years It seems that all I find of late is a face so full of tears I search each dark and empty place The peace I used to know somehow I have misplaced Searching here and over there For the things I've lost I don't have them anymore But I will find a way to lift up my hands And I will find a way to worship You, Lord Though my heart is low I'll find a way to give You praise I will find a way to love You more"
My blogs come from a real place. Especially within the last year and a half. This blog came from the stress of not receiving the same help that I give other people. Danny Glover said in Lethal Weapon 3 when Riggs (Mel Gibson) and Lorna (Renee Russo) asked Murtough (Glover) to cover them, and Murtough said, "Cover you, Cover me, Cover everybody. When is somebody going to cover me for a change?" With all that being said, I have to continue to do right for others. I have to continue to help when I can even though it hurts to not get the same help in return. With tears coming down my face due to feeling like I'm being used up just to the thrown away. I have to continue to do what's right. I have to continue to help where help is needed.
This is my therapy. Sometimes I feel like I'm still that young guy at the table with my cries for help falling on deaf ears. I didn't say I was that young guy because that incident was years ago, but sometimes it feels that way. Why does it feel that way? Because it becomes overwhelming. I cried for at least 30 minutes due to giving all I had to give, doing this for this person and doing that for that person, but when it comes for me getting what I need to get done it felt like I was alone. If you've never felt alone, you have no idea what's it's like to be around people and yet feel like nobody sees you suffering. You become blind to the people that are there to help because of the overwhelming pressure that comes from loneliness. It's not that we're rejecting the help or appreciative of the fact that some are reaching out, it becomes hard to accept because of trust issues.
Please don't get frustrated when it seems like the help is being rejected. It's not being rejected as you think, maybe it's hard to fathom some actually wanting to help because of the silent screams not being heard.
I don't apologize for blogging on my mental health or mental health in general. Please continue to pray for me and those who deal with this. Don't throw us away. I've been told that, all this is only a test. Don't ignore when we ask for help during the test. If you got this far, and you got something out of the blog, please share this post if you feel led.
Stay Saved and keep going,
Daniel Richerson Facebook.com/bigdusty Twitter.com/D_Rich864
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