20 YEARS?!?!

For Drew, Tiffany, Brooks, and Kevin.

So it's been 20 years since I graduated high school. We recently had our high school reunion, and to be honest I wasn't going to go at first. I wasn't going to go because for one I was scared. I didn't want to discuss how I'm currently doing. Since my job requires me to talk to college kids, I didn't want to have the conversation, "Oh I go back and forth with teenagers. Just living the dream!" My anxiety was speaking loudly.

 I've never been good at mingling with people. I'm currently working on how I talk about myself or speak about myself, but if I can be honest, I still have that low self-esteem that I've always had growing up. Discussing how I'm doing is still not easy, but with therapy I feel like I'm getting better.  That feeling of expecting the worse was heavy as well. As well as that feeling of comparison. Bottom line, like I've stated in previous blogs, I can type stuff out better than I can speak it. 

Getting to the reunion was a trip in itself. Unknowingly I put in the wrong address on Google maps, so when I got to where I thought was the destination I was confused because there was no where to park. At first in my mind I thought this was a sign to turn around and go home. Again my anxiety was telling me this was a bad idea even going to this thing, but I digress. So I found a parking lot and put in the right address. Even while I was parking in the correct parking lot I was telling myself, "Well you already paid for your ticket might as well..."

I was told by one of my therapists to try and have fun. My mom told me not to overthink things. I went in the place and found my old high school picture, and first thought was I remember that guy. They spelt my last name wrong because of course they did. Anyway, a couple of young ladies I knew of in high school, asked me to take a picture at this photo booth gimmick they had set up. I didn't want to take any pictures but I didn't want to be the typical asocial person I've been since ever. Asocial meaning lacking motivation for social interaction, and of course I told my sister, I was dragged to take the picture, but moving on.

One of my other fears going into the reunion was crying. I didn't want to cry, and by the grace of God I didn't. One person I feel tried his best to get me. We started talking about whatever we were talking about and he brought up how my smile always made his day better. Oddly enough, I don't remember smiling much in high school. Anyway, this guy said I should do, "A Day In the Life of Daniel" TikTok.  I vowed to myself to never ever get on or create a TikTok, but according to some people I should get one. Even my sister said, "I got the personality for it." I don't know, maybe---

While walking around I noticed that there was a tribute to those that were no longer here. That almost got me because I could've been up there. With my congestive heart failure, with my kidney issues, depression, anxiety, panic attacks, and even thoughts of suicide...so yeah, my heart sank a little bit when I saw that tribute. 

The rest of the reunion went fairly well I think. The question comes did I see any of my old friends or reconnect. Here's the thing about some of the people I hung out with in high school, some of them where a couple of years younger, and even the ones that were in the class of 2005 with me....we were kind of a weird group anyway. I mean of course I would've loved to see some of the old crew, but it just wasn't meant to be. 

So that was my 20 year high school reunion. The past 20 years hasn't been the kindest to me, but I'm still here. If you're reading this, and you were at the reunion, thank you for being nice to me. Yes I had a great time. On to the next one I guess. If you're read this far, I thank you. Please share and repost this so others can read. Please read and share my old blogs if you so choose.

Stay Saved,

Daniel Richerson

MEN'S MENTAL HEALTH AWARENESS MONTH

I know I wrote about keeping the dream going. Well it's been a little over 4 months since my last entry. I wish I had a good explanation, but I hope this makes up for it.

June is Men's Mental Health Awareness Month. On May 31, 2025 John Brenkus lost his battle with depression. John Brenkus was an American producer, director, and a television personality, but it wasn't enough. He was a father, but that wasn't enough. I know they call depression a silent killer, but I don't think it's that silent anymore. Well, it was never silent for me. It's something that I've dealt with, and may I say still deal with at times. I've been in therapy and on medication going on three years now.

I've heard it said that men suffer in silence. Men get told to "man up" when there's even a slight sign of weakness. Professional wrestler, L.A. Knight, said in a promo, "If something arises in your life that hits you your feels and you have to cry. Let it out. It's good for your mental health, it's good for you, it doesn't make you any less of a man." Now you got your naysayers that tell you to "man up," do some pushups, and all that. This is why some men suffer in SILENCE because they feel nobody cares. The community that's supposed to be supporting them, are burying them. Then when it's too late, "Why didn't they say anything?" 

As Charlamagne tha God would say, "I did my research, and by research I mean Google." Google says, that "Men may not be diagnosed with mental health conditions as readily as women due to various factors, including societal expectations and a reluctance to seek help. Men are more likely to die by suicide than women, and mental health conditions play a significant role in these statistics." 

I remember watching a wrestling show and one of the performers took a mental health break, and a performer by the name of CM Punk got on the microphone and said, "And I’ll say one last word about it — if anybody here or anybody at home watching television if you’re in a place where you think you need help, get it. Ask for it, reach out, text somebody, call somebody. There's nothing harder that you can do in the world, but there's nothing more courageous as well." 

Me personally I was suffering for a long time. I was writing blogs regarding my mental capacity. Fortunately for me somebody was listening to my cry for help, and I ended up starting therapy and medication. Shout out to the two therapists I've had. I'm on Zoloft and Abilify. I'm still a work in progress. As the saying goes, "I'm not where I want to be, but thank God I'm not where I used to be." 

So I say continue to cry out for help. Somebody is listening. Old hymn says, "Have a little talk with Jesus. Tell Him all about your troubles. He'll hear your faintest cry, and He'll answer by and by. When you feel the little prayer wheel turning, just know that the fire is burning. Just a little talk with Jesus makes it right." 

Another song says, "I cried and I cried. Cried all night long. I cried and I cried until I found the Lord."

Jay Glazer, a Fox NFL analyst and a Mental Health advocate, tweeted this in response to the death of John Brenkus, "The darkness convinces you you’re better off dead, it seems so convincing, it’s NEVER EVER EVER true!!!!"

I know people would love for me to be more open to having conversations, but I've stated before I'm not good at getting my words together out loud. I'm much better at typing them out like this. 

That's all I have for this one. I hope you got something out of it. Continue to pray for men who are suffering silently and loudly. To the men reading this that may be suffering, it's ok to seek professional help. It's ok to reach out to tell somebody what is going on. Don't suffer alone. Find your community. I ask that you share this with all you can share it with. Hopefully it won't be another 3 or 4 months until the next entry.

Stay Saved,

Daniel Richerson
DanRich618@yahoo.com

A LITTLE ANXIOUS

 When I was a kid I would sometimes cry in school. Mostly due to being the pun of jokes. Sometimes after I'd cry, I'd act a little goofy. I don't know why. Maybe it was an attempt to get back in good graces with my classmates. It almost never worked out that way, but still. Fast forward to now, I'm still crying. Not due to being the butt of the joke, but due to depression. I was probably depressed as a child too but it wasn't diagnosed.

So here we are. The election of 2024 happened. I've been a bit on the anxious side since the results. I already have anxiety about going to work everyday, but with the election results mixed with that, I barely had an appetite when I went on my break. Why did the results give me anxiety when I know the government is on the shoulders of Jesus. The writer said, "Whom shall I fear if God be for me?" So why the anxiety? Am I worried about the government? Yes. I'm more worried about the followers, or should I say some of the followers, of the now next President. I'm more worried about the conversation around the election. I'm more worried about the division of the already divided "United" States of America. I for one am not going to argue with anyone. I got major PTSD when it comes to arguments, and I do my best to stay away from them. 

Why do I have anxiety when it comes to my job? For one I've had many of an emotional breakdown at work. I don't go to work planning on crying, but I do have this tiny expectation that someone or something will cause me to think more lowly than I already kind of do of myself. Yes I still see a therapist twice a month. This is a process. Some processes take longer than others. Every night after work, I worry about did I go to far with a joke or did I truly offend any one. That's never my intention.

Speaking of intentions, in previous blog posts, I took some subliminal digs at certain individuals. I would like to take this time to apologize to any one that I offended or took a dig at. Those thoughts were typed out of place that should not have been made public. In the book of Matthew 5:23-24, in the Message Bible, “This is how I want you to conduct yourself in these matters. If you enter your place of worship and, about to make an offering, you suddenly remember a grudge a friend has against you, abandon your offering, leave immediately, go to this friend and make things right. Then and only then, come back and work things out with God."

Not making any excuses, but I sometimes type the words that I can't articulate through talking. With that I have mental problems, but I do understand that's not an excuse to act a donkey. So again I apologize for any offense. 

That's all I got for this post. I haven't been posting in a while, and that's on me. I thank those of you who take the time and read this stuff. I don't ask for much but if you got this far would you please share this? Stay safe and

Stay Saved,

Daniel Richerson

TIRED OF BEING TIRED

Haven't been motivated to write anything. The year 2024 has been crazy so far. As I'm writing this, the list of people who have died has been body numbing. I remember 2016 was a banger year for deaths. Lest we forget the pandemic. Thoughts and prayers seems to sound cliche now. How many times have we actually thought about and prayed for those who are grieving?

Seems like everyday I scroll on social media, somebody is posting that somebody else has passed. From the entertainment industry to the church community. I heard a saying one time that went like this, "Appreciate what you have today, because it may not be there tomorrow." James 4:14 says, "...For what is your life? It is even a vapour, that appeareth for a little time, and then vanisheth away."

My dad passed in January of 2022. There's not a night that goes by where he doesn't appear in my dreams. It's like my dreams can't comprehend that he's no longer alive. In my dreams, he's alive and well. It's like nothing has happened. I guess there's regret on my part for not saying anything during his home going service. As I'm typing this I haven't been to his gravesite. Little stuff like that bothers me. 

It's still hard for me to open up like I should. Like most people when asked how I'm doing, I say, "I'm fine." just to keep the conversation going. With the all the death going on, not to mention the election, asking people how they're doing is a deeper question than one might think. How am I doing? I'm tired of being tired, if that makes sense. You know how people say, "I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired?" As the younger generation used to say, that part. 

Romans 8:18, "For I reckon that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us."

Song writer said, "Trials form the tears in your eyes

Don't stop

I'm telling you

There's a blessing on the other side of through."

Ephesians 6:13-14a, "Wherefore take unto you the whole armour of God, that ye may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand. Stand therefore..."

Another song writer said, "I know that there's so much more for me. My heart is ready--ready to receive. I'm standing on His promise for He said He'll see me through it and I know He'll do it"

Here's another phrase that's been thrown around a lot lately, but it still holds true. "Don't give up." I'm not going to pretend like I got all the answers. Nor am I going to pretend I know how to tell anyone how to go through what they're going through. I'm just saying don't live in the valley. Walk through it. It's written, "Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me." 

That's all I got for this one. I hope something was said to encourage. I hope that if you made it this far that you will share this with your friends and family. Don't forget to comment as well. Grace. Peace. Love.

Stay Saved,

Daniel Richerson

THANKS FOR THE BIRTHDAY WISHES

Thank you every one for the birthday wishes. I know this is the only time of the year some of us communicate through the socials, but if this is the only time, I still appreciate it. I went to a therapy session on my birthday. Yes I still do therapy. It's mainly for maintenance now. I still have anxiety attacks here and there but not as much as before. One night I had to drive home for an hour, and...

Ok, I work at a college, so like any other college, this college has spring break. When the college went on break, we that work there also got a break. Being on spring break, got me some time to do certain things that I don't usually get to do because I work 2nd shift. Now when I'm at work, and the anxiety attacks come  I usually start crying for no reason, and I end up having to walk to the back of the building to get myself together. I end up calling my mom or my little sister, depending on who I can get a hold of. They talk me through, or sometimes pray me through the anxiety attacks. I can't speak for anyone else that goes through this like me, but when I get them, I can't ever explain why. People ask me what's wrong, and I tell them I don't know because I really don't know. I just know one moment I'm fine, and then the next moment my eyes are welling up. One of my co-workers, tries to tell me to relax. If that doesn't work, one of my other co-workers asks me if I'm ok and do I need a break. Having no reason to lie, I nod my head, apologizing for having to leave my station. 

So that's at work, but imagine going through that in a car driving on the road with no one to call and you're alone in the car. I will say it's not safe, and I wouldn't recommend it. If you can, call somebody, and talk to somebody. Needless to say this particular night I didn't do any of that. I went to this church service, and it was one of those services where the preacher couldn't preach because the atmosphere was that crazy. Anyway, I got called up to the altar, which always always causes some anxiety, but that's a different blog for a different day. Some time up there somebody whispered in my ear, "You've been trying to do it on your own." That struck a nerve with me because I feel if that was the case, that service should've been a memorial service. That's part of the reason for therapy because I know I can't do it on my own. Now I must say, this I don't know what this person meant by that. This is just how I took it.  La di da di da, I went back to my seat. After benediction, I drove home and felt numb. I had that strange case of, "If you don't care, then I don't care." I have this bad habit of holding two fingers to my head like a gun when I feel like this.  How I made it home? As the song writer said, God did it. Oh yes He did it.

Thanks for the birthday wishes ladies and germs. I turned 37. Didn't think I'd make it this far. Well, I thought I would, but I also thought my life would be completely different than it is now. Is my life perfect? No. Do I have regrets? Plenty. As you can see if you got this far, my life is not peaches and cream. I just take it one day at a time. Every day is a new day and a different day. Do I have PTSD? Yep, but again every day is different. How do I deal with it? A lot of prayer, and ASMR. The medicine I'm on helps too. I'm on Zoloft and Abilify. 

That's all I got. Sorry it's been a while between the blogs. I didn't have any material. No I had a lot of material but framing it in a way for post....know what I mean? Again thank you all for birthday wishes. Keep praying for me. Feel free to share your comments, and share the blog around. You are not alone. Peace. Love.

Stay Saved,

Daniel Richerson

IF YOU NEED HELP, GET IT

When I started therapy, my therapist and I came up with a couple of goals. One of the goals was to figure out what's triggering my anxiety and depression. Have I fully figured it out? It's easy to say yes just to keep the conversation going, but if I was completely honest, no. One thing I have learned is that being honest about how you're feeling or doing is not against the law. I will admit it's not easy. Especially when you're used to holding stuff in. When you finally do be honest, you'll usually get this reaction or something like, "Well it's about time!" I'd like to think that means that some people are willing to help out but if they don't know what's going on, how can they help? 

The only all knowing being is God, and yes, we're made in his image, but that doesn't make us God. I've used this quote before, but I heard someone say, "A doctor can only heal what we reveal." So therefore, you say nobody cares, but what have you revealed? Look as a dude that still has trust issues, I overstand that you can't tell everybody everything, and yet when an ear opens up to hear you, take advantage. I'm still learning how to do that.

Jesus said, "Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls." I know and understand that not all that are reading my posts are believers, but if you're looking for an ear that's always open... Song writer said, "He was there all the time. Waiting patiently in line." 

So I go to Beckman Center for Mental Health Services to see my therapist twice a month. I post that I'm going to therapy to show that it's ok to seek help. I don't know who I'm reaching with those posts or with these blogs. I type the blogs hoping that somebody get's something out of them, but at the same time realizing that these blogs are written by somebody with mental problems, so it kind of is what it is at this point.

What's my goal for this post? I guess it's what it is for most of my posts recently. To let the ones that are not ok that it's going to be ok. To those who feel forgotten. You feel like nobody cares. It doesn't matter what decision you make because you feel like it's not important. I've been there, and to be honest sometimes I'm still there. Just got to  take it one day at a time. Every morning you get up is a victory. Every moment that you don't give up is a victory. Every panic attack and emotional attack is just a sign that you're still alive. One of my favorite songs that I've quoted before says, "So if you see me cry, it's just a sign that I'm still alive. I got some scars, but I'm still alive." If you feel like you need help, seek help. There's help for you. 

So how is Daniel doing? Daniel is hanging in there. I'm still on antidepressants. I take 10g of melatonin to help me fall asleep. I feel lonely at times during the night, but as you can read, I'm still here. 

When I post blogs now, a bit of anxiety hits. Like will people like this? Am I wasting my time with these blogs? That "Do you really love me, don't you really care" thing. If you got this far, I ask that you share. Thank you. Peace, Love, and

Stay Saved,

Daniel Richerson

FIND YOUR REASON

It's been a while since it's been this bad. I couldn't stop crying. What's wrong? I don't know. That may not be acceptable but it's the truth. The phrase it's ok to not be ok may be true, but the fact of the matter is not being ok is a pain in the....but I've been doing good though. At least I feel that way. I've been going to therapy...maybe I shouldn't have been joking about it like I do, but it's how I get through a day sometimes. I joke around with a lot of things that I probably shouldn't. Again though I don't really know what triggered this crying spell this time. I've been crying publicly since school. Weather it's from embarrassment or getting made fun of which happened often.

I try not to live in the past, it's the reliving part that I have trouble with. Dad transitioned back in January of 2022, and I still dream of him often. It's always back in the apartments I grew up in that was known as the Landing. I can't recall anything traumatic happening there or anything, but for some strange reason my mind goes back to that point in my life.

The one thing I don't want to be is a distraction. Sorry if I ever was one to anybody. As I was crying I heard in my head, Get over it, be made whole. Don't you think I want to be whole? You think being like this is that path I wanted to take? Like I got a degree in depression and anxiety as a choice. This is just me typing things out. I understand people don't read the blogs anymore because they feel it may be my last one, but I do appreciate those that stick around and read them. 

FYI, I would never post my last letter online because I'd be too interested to see the response....just being real. So to put people at ease this is not a suicide letter. This is just me spilling what's in my head. I got a big head, so trust there's a lot in there. Speaking of suicide, those that have read these, know that I have suicidal thoughts. Before I came home from work one of my co-workers said it out bluntly, "Don't kill yourself." I got a hug from a supervisor and another co-worker. I went back to my station to get my stuff and one of the students gave me a hug and asked to pray with me. 

To use the quote I used last post, "I wish you what I have, people around who care." Yet, and yet, if we don't care for ourselves, then it may say it doesn't matter if anybody cares or not. Think of some of the suicides we've publicly heard about. Robin Williams was married with kids and was loved and adored by millions. Twitch was married with kids and was also adored and loved by a lot of people, but to both of them, that wasn't enough motivation to keep going. Charity starts at home. Love should start at home. If you can't love yourself....if you can't take care of your self....how do you expect to even attempt to take care of others or love others? Truly. 

This post was all over the place, but this is my way. Your way may be something different, but I urge you to find a way. Find your motivation to keep going. There's a reason to keep going. You just got to find your reason. Not saying it's easy, or that it's gonna be easy, but I'm saying is that that reason is out there, you just got to go get it. Peace and Love

Stay Saved,

Daniel Richerson

ALMOST A YEAR IN THERAPY...

 Something Don Rickles (RIP) would say in his act, "I wish you what I have, people around you who care." I've been in therapy for almost a year. During this year I've had many anxiety attacks, mostly at work. I've had trouble sleeping for the most part. My mind just goes different places when I get to the point of laying me down to sleep. I'm on two antidepressants, Zoloft and Abilify. All this and still dealing with grief. I don't know if that will ever go away.

Dealing with all that, with people who actually care makes the journey a little easier. It's like what the writer said, "Nobody told me that the road would be easy, but I don't believe He brought this far to leave me."

I want to apologize for not being as whole as some of you want me to be. That's part of the reason I apologize when I have the attacks I have because I don't want to be a burden to anybody. The attacks seem to always happen after my therapy appointments which is weird because the session go well. I get to work hoping to have a good night, then at one point of the night like clockwork, boom. I feel overwhelmed. Eyes get watery, and all of the sudden the thoughts I try to suppress, come back and I feel like I'm stuck. I try to fight it by "manning up" and doing the job, but even that becomes a tassel. Then the question gets asked, "Daniel, are you ok?" It took me a while to figure out that it's ok to not be ok. I've read that on many of social media posts, but to look someone in the eye and say no I'm not ok is not easy.

When I get to the point where I can admit that I'm not ok, that's when the release comes. I can go outside and get some air, pray, and or call someone. I come back to myself the best I can and come back to work. "Daniel, if you ever need to talk..." I'm slowly starting to believe some when they say that. Cause for so long...know what I mean? 

Without going into too much detail, I'm just going to say that suicide has been hitting a little too close to home. Having people around you is good but I feel what's important is what are those people doing? Do they care about your well being or are you just a number on the phone or a friend on a friends list. Having friends and family around is cool, but what does it matter if they don't care about your mental well being. Don't wait until it's too late to tell someone that you care. You telling someone you care might just save their life.

"I wish you what I have, people around you who care." ~ Don Rickles

Again I'm going to apologize, this time for the time between the blogs. I had a lot to say but I didn't know how to put it into words together? I don't know, I hope this makes up for it. If you got anything out of this please share. If you know anybody that also deals with anxiety and depression, maybe share this with them to let them know that they're not alone. Like I've said in the past, if I can reach one person, I feel that I've done my job. Peace, Love, and

Stay Saved,

Daniel Richerson

MY 2022 YEAR END REVIEW....

It's the end of the year. 2022 as a whole has been a memorable year. Definitely a year I won't forget.

2022 started out for me with getting the virus so I was out of work even longer than the winter break. Dad was back and forth to the hospital, and was getting calls on what to do, which I was not comfortable or ready for. Then got booked for a flight to go to Kentucky to visit Dad. I think I've started this before but I wanted to make him laugh at least one more time. Plane landed, my cousin told me he passed on. Had no reaction.

Fast forward, I'm back home from Kentucky and went back to work having emotional breakdown after breakdown. Come to find out the students really cared about me...more on that later, but the break downs kept happening. After the whole thing with my Dad, I had a hard time dealing with it. Thoughts of jumping off the building, holding two fingers to my head like a gun...I was not in a good state of mind, even through the laughing and joking with my co workers and students. 

During all that, one day through the help of my pastor my therapy journey started. I had no idea that there was even a mental health center locally where I was. I ended up getting diagnosed with depression, PTSD, and grief. All which I knew I was dealing with, but never diagnosed by a professional. Got put on my first antidepressant. All my lift I thought being on antidepressants was a bad thing, but that along with therapy, has been a great help. The thoughts didn't cease completely, but they slowed down a lot. 

Fast forward again, I begin having breathing problems. I begin struggling to walk certain distances. From my car to getting to the door at my job was a struggle. I stopped taking my blood pressure and other meds because I felt good, at least good enough to stop taking the medicine. Boy was I wrong. One Sunday, first Sunday in October, I was at church setting up everything up and I couldn't breathe. I called my mom who was on her way to church and told her that I couldn't breathe. She told me to call 911. I did. Ended up sitting on the porch with a bottle of water. This was a nightmare come to life. In my mind, this was finally it. I got on the ambulance with an oxygen mask on, but I couldn't get comfortable. Next thing I know, it was Monday night, I was in ICU, and I was strapped to a bed. I looked to my right, and I saw my mom and Pastor talking. Ended up spending the rest of the week in the hospital. Remember when I said about the students. One of my co workers told my little sister who was with me at the hospital, that he had a card for me. Little did I know this card, was actually a huge poster with a bunch of signatures that I later found out was curated by the students. I work at a college. I had no idea that they cared that much. You just never know the impact you have.

Went back to work and it was all sunshine and rainbows! Just kidding. The breakdowns kept happening, but this time though, my coworkers would tell me to go outside to get some air and then come back. I've been sticking to my medicine regime. I'm now on two antidepressants. Therapy is still going. When people ask me if there's anything I need just ask. Sad thing about that is that I never know what or how to say what I may need....

So that's how my 2022 went. Song writer said, "So if you see me cry, it's just a sign that I'm still alive. May have some scars, but I'm still alive. In spite of calamity, He still has a plan for me, and it's working for my good. It's building my testimony." See you next year. Peace, Love, and

Stay Saved,

Daniel Richerson

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THE QUESTION FOR THIS PIECE IS WHY?

I was asked a question that had and still has my mind working. The question was, "Why are we depressed?" One thing I haven't really thought about. I've been writing on my mental health for years but never really wrote about the why. I can go back as when I was a kid and I would bite my hand when I got mad. That lasted for years. It literally left a spot on my right hand knuckle. I can remember when I was going for finical aid at Greenville Tech, and the lady saw my hand, and the look on her face was one of shock and I would imagine she was a bit disturbed.

You got to remember now the talk of mental health awareness was not even a conversation then. So me biting my hand was just me "showing out" and not a sign of self harm.

Why are we depressed? Could be a lot of things. Could be that there's a hole in our life that we can't seem to fill. I know with me it's a lot of reasons. Never had closure with my dad. Dad passed on in January, and I'm still having a hard time. It was weird not receiving a gift card from him on my birthday. It was weird not getting a phone call from him while in the hospital. The previous two times I was in the hospital, he would call just about every day. To not get a text rom him on Thanksgiving, and not receiving a text from him on Christmas it's just not going to feel right. My heart grieves for those who have lost any parent.

Why are we depressed? Could be impatience. Patience is a virtue, right? We're waiting for relationships. We're waiting for money. We're waiting for all these things, but either they're not coming quick enough or we're not looking. The depression could be solvable if we learn the value of waiting. With impatience comes doubt. Doubt that the things we're looking for will come. Doubt will maybe blind us to what's literally right under our nose so to speak because we're looking for the answer in certain way. Remember in the Bible they were looking for Jesus to show up in a spectacular fashion. He showed up on a donkey. So do you really want what you're looking for or do you want what you're looking for to show up how you want it? We say, "He may not come when you want him, but He'll show up on time." Maybe He has shown up already, but doubt has blinded us to such a depression that we can't even see that the answer is here already.

Why are we depressed? Lonely. Like Al Green said, "I'm so tired of being alone. I'm so tired on my own." We want to have that person that we can talk to. We want to have that person that will understand what we deal with but still want to have a relationship with us. We just want to be understood in a world that chooses not to understand mental health. A lot of us go to church with leaders who choose not to understand that high anxiety that we deal with so we go home and feel alone. We've come such a long way with the conversation of mental health, but I feel that we still have a long way to go. I can remember at a leadership meeting and I was sitting with my dad in the back. One of the leaders walked by dad and said, "We're not discussing the real issues." I'm not saying that was mental health related, but we as a whole have been running from the real issues that have to be discussed, and wonder why we can't move forward in anything. Naturally or spiritually.

Why are we depressed? I don't know, and that's ok.

That's all I have for this. If you've read this far, please leave your thoughts and comments. I'm still in therapy and anti-depressants. I still have my emotional break downs here and there, but I'm doing much better. I'm taking all my medicines like I'm supposed to. I'm doing my best with the new food plan, but it's not easy. I appreciate all that really love and really care. Peace. Love.

Stay Saved,

Daniel Richerson
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If you need to reach me to talk about anything, get at me on my socials. I'm here. I care.

I'M IN THERAPY (mental health update)

I've been trying to find the words to say. I've stated before sometimes finding the words to put together that make sense to the people reading this is not the easiest thing in the world. I'm very easily distracted, go figure. I've been very open about the mental issues I've been dealing with for most of my life, but the past couple of years I've been very transparent about it. Not that I would suggest being open publicly like I am, but I do suggest finding a way to get those crazy thoughts out of your head. I made a couple of posts about the cries of the silent. Well around last month I went to a local Mental Health Center. I'm now in therapy, and I'm also on medication. 

I want to thank everyone that has been supportive on this journey. I want to thank all of those for the prayers and positive thoughts during this whole ordeal. I've needed help for a long time, but if you want it, there's help out there. Getting help doesn't make you less than a man. It's crazy that if you are a male and you openly admit to not being ok, you automatically get labeled as "feminine." So that male pride takes over, and the inner issues never really get dealt with in a healthy way. So then the cries become silent. Silent because they're not allowed to cry out loud without being ridiculed.

"Why are you so angry?"

"You're sensitive."

"Why are you like this?"

The same people that will tell you to "man up" will question why are you "acting out." We wonder why the younger generation is so confused. I'm fortunate enough that people around me not only understand or starting to understand my anxiety, but pushed me in the right direction to get the help that I need. Through my bleeding and crying through my blogs, and other posts, I'm now getting the help that I need. Am I going to be whole over night? No. Just recently I had an anxiety attack. I can't speak for other people but having an anxiety attack sucks to begin with, but having one with people around sucks more and it can be embarrassing. Especially when some of the people don't understand what's going on. That's the scary part actually you start to think what if...but again fortunately for me the panic attacks I've had this year, people have been around me that understood. I'm not saying they understand completely, but they understood enough. 

It's ok to not be ok, but don't stay not ok. Continue to cry. Continue to bleed. Someone is listening. God is listening. He'll send someone by that will lead you to the help you need. Silent cries are still cries. Continue to cry out. Don't give up. I'm not telling anybody to "Get over it" because I overstand that PTSD is real, it's one of the things I deal with, so I would never tell someone to "get over it" because personally, I feel that's disrespectful, and you don't really know what someone has dealt with and are dealing with along with grief, anxiety, and depression.

This is for the those who feel that no one understands. This is for those that feel alone. This is for those who feel that they're the black sheep of the family. This is for those crying out but feel that no one hears them. 

I'm done. Took me a minute to gather my thoughts together to get something out. I hope there was something said that was good for you. I hope something was said that helped you understand what I deal with. My goal is always, if I reach just one person, I feel that I did my part. I'm just trying to erase the stigma of mental illness. We lost too many people already.

Stay saved,

Daniel Richerson

2 MONTHS LATER...

For Lashun Pace. For Scott Hall. For any one else has transitioned, no  matter how long it has been. Thoughts and prayers with with the families. It's been two months since my Dad passed, and I will say I'm still feeling the affects.

I can also say that there have been more times now that I've felt great mentally. With that being said, at the same time I still have episodes here and there. What are episodes? Panic attacks. Attacks where my mind just wanders what if....Thank God now that some people know that what I deal with and they are showing compassion. I finally got the answer to the questions I've been asking for the last how many--for a long time, "Do you really love me? Don't you really care? Do you really need me?" I've come to realize that some people actually do. When the action of love is shown it hits different.

I remember being at the funeral home and having to change clothes because the shirt I had on didn't fit. The man at the funeral home opened the closed room where Dad was set up and seeing him in the casket, will be an image I'll never forget. It wasn't until some time later when it hit me that he wasn't going to wake up from that casket, and when it hit, it hit like a young Mike Tyson going for the knockout. I was surrounded by family, my sister had me by the arm, I had my sunglasses on, my pastor, Dad's pastor, my sister's pastor all there, and I lost control. That dam finally broke. Holding my emotions back the whole week before. Being around dogs that became like emotional support dogs and family, who were worried about me, I tried to be as strong as I possibly could. Then the realization hit....

I've always had a problem being different. I've always had an issue being Daniel Richerson. I've had an issue of being myself, and being ok with being myself. You know that awkwardness when you say something, and you get no response? Imagine that feeling all the time...

Like though even though I've been more and more open through these blogs, and I'm told that I'm helping somebody. There's still that fear of maybe I'm saying too much....I'm going to quote a lyric that I'm probably not allowed to quote, but it's a lyric that's been on repeat in my head during down time at my work station. 

"Sitting here sippin' on something to drink 

The enemy's got the best of me
And I gotta do something quick, before I go crazy
So many voices in my head, so load I can't even think
My friends and family are gone, my life is going so wrong
LORD, I need you to come, Oh! take me home, Oh! make
A way, Out of no way, MY HERO! come on and save the day!" R Kelly - Clean This House (Remix)

Thank God I have a support team that's actually worried about my well being. I had an episode one night at work, not going into details, but a good friend of mine got me away from my station and helped me. He told me that he had my back. That kind of stuff breaks me. When I have people asking if I'm ok when things look stressful. When God takes time to let you know that you are not forgotten...

This was all over the place, I apologize. I told y'all that I have problems putting the words together sometimes. I just want to be ok. There's this young lady that asks me how I'm doing every time she sees me, and I give her the honest answer that I'm meh. She asked me one night, "Why is it every time I see you, that's your answer?" Which is true, but I have told her that I'm good somedays and somehow she knew I was lying. She then told me, "I hope one day, you can say you're good, and really mean it." My response, "I hope so too." 

 If you got this far, I appreciate you for reading. I appreciate you for caring. Keep praying for me. I know I still don't reach out like people want me to. Just don't give up on me, ok? Please.

Stay Saved,

Daniel Richerson

Day by Day prt 2

My Dad's homegoing was January 21, 2022. To be honest I haven't slept since. And that's the blog. Goodnight.

Hi, it's still a day by day thing. Working a customer service type job on lack of sleep is not something I would suggest doing. Working while dealing with lack of sleep also while depressed is not something I would suggest either. When it's busy, I'm good. My mind is focused on the job, and getting it done as quickly as possible. When the down time comes though, that's when my mind begins to wanders. When my mind wanders, that's when those trust issues make a comeback. That's when those questions I would ask, "Do you really love me? Don't you really care? Do you really need me?" come back to my brain.

I'm still having a hard time getting the words together both to make a blog out of them. The main reason I don't reach out is because I often think, what am I going to get out of this conversation, and thinking on that, I most of the time don't think it's worth it. No shade to anybody, but if I'm going to reach out I wanted to be at least worth my time. If I'm calling because I'm depressed, and I get lectured on other things that I don't even--...and I called because, I'm tired. I'm ready to jump off the balcony outside, and I'm getting lectured on if I'm putting my pants on right, or whatever--see what I mean? Again, no shade. I appreciate those who have told me that they are willing to talk if I call. Is the advice I'm going to get going to be sound advice...ok let me say this. I know it sounds like, "Oh, Daniel just wants to hear what He wants to hear. He doesn't want advise." I promise that's not the case. I'm just tired of empty conversations. 

I've had feelings of emptiness. Feelings of just wanting to scream like Michael and Janet. Shrek! I'm looking down! Trying to go back to normal. Trying to get back to streaming Sims 4, but it's empty. Trying to get back to the coffee o'clocks, but it's empty. For once, when I'm asked, "You good?" I say yes and actually mean it. I know people are wanting me to get away from blogs like this, but I don't want to post lies. I don't want to post something I'm not feeling.

My profile pic on FB and Instagram is still black for the time being. I know I'm going to change it when I'm ready to. I appreciate the people who have continued to check on me. I really do. When the action of love is shown, it hits different. I look at it like what Kirk Franklin penned when he said, "Jesus, You keep on lookin' out for me." Kirk is one of my all time favorite artist, not just Gospel, like all time favorite artists. An old song he penned that has helped me through this healing process is Let Me Touch You.

"Sometimes to me You seem so far away
And I wonder how to make it through the day
But if I can touch the hem of Your garment
Your power, I know, You can heal, Jesus
Let me touch You and see if You are real
When I'm down
Let me touch You
When I'm lonely
Let me touch You
When I'm discouraged
Let me touch You
Like I never have before
Lord, I need You more and more, Jesus
Let me touch You and see if You are real"

Ok, I'm done. Thank you for your continued prayers and thoughts for me and my family through this healing process. Again, it's a day by day thing. I'm sorry if I said anything offensive, that wasn't my intention. If you want to share this or if you don't thanks for reading. Continue to pray for those who are suffering mentally. Please continue to pray for those are grieving no matter how they're grieving and no matter how long it's been. 

~Daniel Richerson

HOW'S MY MENTAL YOU ASK?

How's my mental? Like usual it's a day to day. Some days are better than others. I found myself feeling more lonely at times than I have. Lonely in the sense that I'm literally by myself when I'm not at work or church. I'm know being introverted comes being alone at times, but there are times, I do miss being able to laugh with other people. On the Wednesday before Thanksgiving, I found out an old friend from high school passed away, and it really messed me up. It's like that line from the old movie Pollyanna where the preacher said over the pulpit, "Death comes unexpectedly." One of my oldest friends in life, lost both his parents, both of whom I was close with as well. Song writer said, "For you and me this life is not promised. Tomorrow may never show up." 

Anthony Clark Williams wrote a popular song that says, "God has not forgot." Tasha Cobbs said it like this, "You (God) still love me, in spite of me." There's a phrase that says, "God works in mysterious ways." I don't know if "mysterious" is the right word. I believe He knows what we need at the right time. Like as I'm typing this, I shared this post on my Facebook:

"I suffer from PTSD, Anxiety, and Depression and it's not a good place to be. Sometimes people don't believe me when I tell them. I struggle; It can be hard to live with me & to be around me when I get like this and I know it. I try my best to control it. I manage to get strong but sometimes I break. So if you see me very quiet, I'm not being rude, I'm not mad at you, you're not bothering me, I may just need a minute to myself.

It's okay to not be okay, tell someone you're not okay. (It's okay).

Hopefully, some friends will put this on their wall. You just have to copy..

Thank you

In Support Of Mental Health Awareness

The struggle is real……"

 I must say that I didn't write this. It was one of those copy and paste posts that I copied from someone else in support of mental health. The amount of love that post got was overwhelming. I put up that post before I went to work. I went into work, walking with my head up hoping for a good day. Day was going good. I was laughing with coworkers and making orders for the students. Until--I can't speak for anybody else, but speaking for me, it doesn't take much to trigger something dark for me. Somebody asked for a dessert, as I was putting the dessert on a plate, the dessert fell apart. They wanted another one, so I prepared to put the dessert on the same plate that the other fell apart. They didn't like that. Made it known. I put the dessert on a new plate. That was it. Seems pretty stupid huh? All of the sudden, tears are falling from my face for what felt like hours. Ironically, Joy To The World was playing in my head. I was told that my confidence needs to get stronger, and I do agree with that. However, when I'm open about my mental health, it seems to open a door for heavy emotions. So I don't really know what happened. All I know as I was trying to stop the tears from falling down my face, in my head, all I heard was My Testimony by Marvin Sapp. 

"So glad I made it, I made it through in spite of the storm and rain

Heartache and pain, still alive, declaring I made it through...I'm so glad I made it, so glad I made it

I made it through, I made it through"

Then part of Nobody Cared by Canton Jones.

"On outside of laughing and on the inside of crying

It seem so hard to go on

I can't see how you'll forgive me

Then I feel your presence and you essence

Then you say, hey it's gonna be ok"

So during some down time I was checking my phone and I got encouraged by the reaction and comments to the FB post. The comments were really encouraging, and really helped lift my spirits. I was praying as the tears was falling, "I just want to know that I'm loved." Seeing those reactions was just what I needed. To all who reacted and left a commented, if you're reading this, I hope you now know how much it all meant to me. I really appreciated. As the old saints say, "If you don't love me, keep fooling me." 

Of course this was not the road I wanted this particular blog to go, but hey, what are you going to do? I want to take this time to thanks my family, my pastor and wife, and all others who have helped me, and pray for me as I open up about my mental health. I also want to take this time to thank the students at Lander who help make my day go smoother. One Lander student in particular who is nicer to me than I believe I deserve. I don't even know if you'll ever read this, but if you do, just know I appreciate it. We'll do brunch one day, I don't know.

That's all I got for this one. Again, it went a completely different path than the subject I had planned. What was the subject I had planned? Well since you asked, it was about the fact that at my job, I can't pick and choose who to serve food to. My job is to provide the food not see what they got on or see what sin they committed first before I provide the service they came for. That was the topic, but of course, it didn't go that way. I may still talk about that in a later post, but then again, knowing the way my mind works---anyway, thanks for reading. If you feel led, please share this post. I share what I go through hoping that it will show others that they are not the only ones that feel a certain way. My goal if I can just reach one person, I feel like I've done my job.

Stay Saved and keep going, 

Daniel Richerson
Facebook.com/bigdusty

Twitter.com/d_rich864

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Keep Going

 Before I go in on this blog, if you are tired of mental health awareness, if you roll your eyes at me talking about the issues I live with everyday….sorry not sorry. 

The reason I don’t stop blogging about mental health is because one many are still suffering and looking for answers, and when they can’t find anything, they give up. It’s not a coincidence that the three words that have been used the past year and a half have been, “Don’t Give Up.” Why because as the song writer said, “After while, it’ll all be over. After while the sun will shine. After while dark clouds will pass over. And we’ll shout hallelujah after while.” I remember a message that was preached where the minister talked about, “The Importance of After while.” The importance of not stopping before you hit the finish line. Your legs may be getting sore. You may be short of breath. Keep going. That’s a message for me as well. Keep going.

Since I started this new job, I’ve had triggering moments that have caused me to want to throw in the towel. Moments where I had to literally tell myself to don’t cry. Keep going. Get the work done. Do the job. Fortunately, there have been some people that understand and help keep my head on right, but of course they’re people who could care less. Reminds me of other establishments. I’m not looking to be babied or anything. I just want people to understand I may react differently because of high anxiety issues. Oops I said it, but if I mess up, tell me. If I’m doing something wrong, let me know, show me how to do it, and I promise I’ll do my best not to make the same mistake again. 

If it wasn’t for my love for music, I probably would’ve thrown the towel. It’s the music in my head and heart that keeps me going during some shifts. Sometimes it’s the old and new (oops) gospel songs that minister to me at the time, and sometimes it’s secular songs (oops) that keep me pumped. Yeah, this blog may cost me with some people.

I mentioned two professional wrestlers in the last post who put out a vibe of suicide in videos that were posted online. One of which was the late Shannon Claire Spruill, also known to the wrestling community as Daffney. I didn’t watch her IG Live but I’ve heard a piece of it where she mentioned while in tears that she was alone. After the live went public I saw that a lot of people tried to reach out but didn’t get an answer. Possibly it was too late, which brings the point where if someone comes across your heart, reach out. Your phone call may just save a life. Shannon felt alone not knowing that she had a community that loved her. Her passing hit me hard because there were plenty of times where I felt alone in this place I live and tears began to flow. People say, “Why didn’t’ you call me?” People say, “If you don’t check on people, don’t expect people to check on you.” I believe the phrase is called “hog wash” or “malarkey” or “bushwa.” Imagine if God did us that way. We don’t pray to God like we should, but how many times has God came to your rescue when you didn’t know how to ask for help? It does my heart good when I get a text by someone saying that I was on their mind. 

I shared a post on my timeline titled, “Introverts before they make a phone call,” didn’t quite track, but that’s how it is for me. I was told that it was a fear of rejection. I’m not denying that.  So, to those that wonder why I don’t reach out, it may not be you per say. It’s a battle just about every time I use my phone as a phone. If you don’t buy that, it’s the truth. I have no reason to lie. Back to the Daffney situation, that led to other wrestlers to be open about their own mental health. I no longer watch WWE, but a stable known as, The New Day, put out a podcast on mental health that I listened to. One of the members of the stable Big E began sharing his story. I didn’t feel like crying that day, but I immediately started thinking about that young man in the dining area of a convention crying at the table while people were walking by more worried about other things than a young man typing imaginary things on the table crying his eyes out. I can’t remember what triggered that emotion, I just remember that feeling of loneliness. If I remember right, it was a youth day of some sort. I remember that a couple of people stopped and talked to me. One being a young man who’s name I never got, but he actually had a conversation with me which helped me snap out of it. Why do Levites and priests continue to walk by the guy laying on the street, more worried about the next meeting or gig? Thank God for the “good Samaritans” out there.  How many people have we walked by with our proverbial nose in the air thinking that they had it coming not willing to get to the bottom of the issue?

How long are we going to say that folks need Jesus and not show Jesus? How long are we going to say that folks need love and not show love? 

I’m finished. If you read this long, I hope you got something out it. I ask that you continue to pray for those that are feeling lonely and hopeless. Remember September is suicide prevention month. You can help prevent suicide by doing what Ellen says after every show, “Be kind to one another.”  Showing love and not just saying love can help prevent suicide. I ask that you share this if you feel led. Pray for me.

Stay Saved and keep going,

Daniel Richerson

Twitch.tv/DanielRicherson
Twitter.com/D_Rich864
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Facebook.com/bigdusty

THIS BLOG TOOK A TURN

This was originally going to be another blog about my depression and suicidal thoughts. Then I realize that I couldn't do that. I didn't want to continue to live in misery. We all got issues. We all have bruises. I just thought it wasn't a crime to say "Ow" sometimes. March 23rd I wrote a post I titled, "Unspoken", and I was very open about mental issues and anxiety. I would say that I had them. My little sister left me a comment that said, "you’re working through anxiety and mental health issues, sibling. It does not have you nor do you have it!!" And I thought she was crazy. Like I'm living with this. I know what goes on through my head on a daily, how you going to say I don't have anxiety, and mental issues? 

I believe she was trying to tell me that I have to be careful what I speak over myself. The Bible says in Proverbs 23:7a "For as he thinketh in his heart, so is he..." The last clause of Luke 6:45 "...for of the abundance of the heart his mouth speaketh." The song writer said, "Sometimes you have to encourage yourself." It's nice to get encouragement from love ones. I believe we all like a little encouragement every once in a while, but when you feel like you're not getting any encouragement, why not encourage yourself? You may not see what you're speaking, but as my old Pastor once said, "Faith is daring the soul to go beyond what the eye can see." Song writer said, "I may not see it, but I hear it." Somebody else says, "You got to see it before you see it if you're ever going to see it" Let's go Bible. Hebrews 11:1 "Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen." Proverbs 18:21 in the Good News Bible, "What you say can preserve life or destroy it; so you must accept the consequences of your words."

Now the question comes how can you truly encourage yourself if you don't like yourself? I would say that's a legit question. I'm still growing in that department of liking Daniel. Find a reason to smile. Find that reason to laugh and smile. Some would say as a Christian, you don't do what necessarily feels good to you all the time, which is true, but you can find a reason to laugh. Don't let depression kick your butt. Turn the news off. If you can't turn social media off, you can at least hide the posts you don't want to see or unfollow. Radio personality Charlamagne tha god often says, "Protect your mental health." By any means necessary. Instead of watching the news, watch a good movie. Listen to your favorite song. Distance yourself from people that mean you no good even if that includes family or the people you may go to church with.

I've been told for years that I got to start looking at myself through God's eyes. What does God say about you? Forget what other people say about you. Jeremiah 29:11 in the Amplified Bible, "For I know the plans and thoughts that I have for you, says the Lord, plans for peace and well-being and not for disaster to give you a future and a hope." Another verse comes to mind Philippians 2:5, "Let this mind be in you, which was also in Christ Jesus." Song writer said, "His report says I am healed/ His report says I am filled/ His report says I am free/ His report says victory." Take notice what report didn't say. Nothing about anxiety, depression, etc. Not saying those feelings won't come, but don't give in. Keep walking. 

I want to take this time to thank my sister for checking on me just about everyday to make sure that I'm ok. I want to thank the people in some of the livestreams I go into, for making a person dealing with being alone among other things feel welcome. From the church streams to the gaming streams. Thank you. I want to thank all of you who has help me keep my head up and in the game. I know I don't communicate like I should, but thank you for loving me anyway. I want to thank all the people at the cardiac rehab center I go to for helping me get through my workouts. Thank you all for reminding me that I'm not walking alone.

I hope something was said that helped out. I hope if you feel led, you share this post all you can. Continue to pray for your boy.

Stay Saved,

Daniel Richerson

Unspoken

Back in September 2013, I was struggling to breathe at night. That was going on for months but I was against going to the hospital. The July before that I went back to California for the first time in over 20 years where I got asked if I remembered things from when I was 4 when I left. Not really. Anyway, I couldn't sleep at night. One night in September I couldn't take anymore, I told my little sister, who had told me to let her know if I needed to go to the hospital. I let her know. I couldn't lay down flat on the bed. I felt like I messed everything up. I felt guilty. I felt I let everyone down. So I ended up going to the ER. Turns out I had a lot of built up fluid, and my blood pressure was stroke level high. In my mind this was punishment for all the crap I put my little sister and my parents through over the years. I can remember they wanting to do an MRI but I couldn't lay down flat and breathe properly. I ended up spending a few  days in the hospital. I remember one day I was eating lunch and this doctor came in and told me that I wouldn't make it to 30. Side note, I'll be 34 this coming May. And they had a nutritionist come in and told me about this low sodium diet. I was told to find a doctor. They put me on medicine to take. One main thing that sticks out is the day I got out, they put me in the wheel chair, and it felt like I waited forever for someone to get me. At that point, I felt alone. I went into a state of depression. My  Mom came to the room I was in, and she wheeled me out to the car so she could take me home.

You know that phrase, "If you don't learn from history, you're doomed to repeat it?" I barely looked for a doctor, so I stopped taking the medicine I was on. I broke the low sodium diet and basically did that I did before. All because I didn't care about my own well being. I had a few temp jobs but nothing that ever felt permanent. Christmas Day 2014, I was at my Aunt's house. Couldn't lay back down again. It wasn't as bad as it was the year prior, but I couldn't get comfortable. Again I felt like I let everyone down. I felt guilty. Like this was payback for something I did. I ended up going back the hospital, but this time it was a different hospital. Again the blood pressure was stroke level high. Spent a few days in the hospital again. Highlight of this trip was a cousin coming to my room to visit. I didn't expect it. Again a doctor came in the room and told me that I wasn't going to make it to 32. (Reminder 34 in May) This time around I got a doctor. When I got let out this time around the staff at this hospital was quicker and getting me out the room. 

March 27, 2020, I was driving home after dropping a dude off at work. I failed to yield to traffic, made a left turn, and got hit by a truck. The car didn't make it, but I did. I got a ticket for failing to yield. I had no damage to me. So, Daniel messed up again. At that same time, my Mom was in the hospital because of Covid. (She's healed and doing well now) So I just hit by a truck. I survived with no injury, while at the same time worried about my mom. This was right before everybody started wearing masks. So I was trying to keep from crying on the side of the road. Trying not to break on the side of road. My Pastor ended up picking me up and taking me home.

Later in 2020 spent some time in Iowa, I got real sick. Again, couldn't sleep. I was struggling to breathe with the mask on. First thought in my mind, I got it. It finally got me. The "It" of course being covid. When we got back to South Carolina, I went to my doctor's office, and got tested for Covid which was the highlight of my day at that point. Nothing like haven't a long q tip stuck up on your nose. I got a refill of all the medicines I stopped taken. I immediately started back taken them. The doctor that treated me was sure that I had Covid. Spoiler alert, test came back negative.

Here in 2021 I'm sticking to my medication, I do cardiac rehab twice a week. I'm not crossing every "t" or dotting every "i". I say again, I'm not where I want to be but Thank God--

That's all I got for this one. My goal is not to come off as a know it all. I try not to come off as I know everything. I'm just a 33 year old guy with anxiety and mental issues, speaking from his heart. I want to take this time to thank all of you for the support and encouragement. I really appreciate it. If you want to share this you can share it.

Stay Saved,

Daniel Richerson

I'M NOT IN A HURRY TO GET BACK TO NORMAL

 Luke 18:11-14 KJV The Pharisee stood and prayed thus with himself, God, I thank thee, that I am not as other men are extortioners, unjust, adulterers, or even as this publican. I fast twice twice in the week, I give tithes of all that I possess. And the publican, standing afar off, would not lift up so much as his eyes unto heaven, but smote upon his breast, saying, God be merciful to me a sinner. I tell you this man went down to his house justified rather than the other; for every one that exalteth himself shall be abased; and he that humbleth himself shall be exalted.

I don't know why I say the things I say or do the things I do on social media. Sometimes I feel like I try to hard to be accepted by people that I take little things like no reactions personal. Needless to say I'm not in a hurry for things to return to normal. Can I be honest and say "normal" wasn't so great for some of us. What's going to happen after we go back to "normal." Are we with issues going to be cast to the side again? Are people different from us going to be condemned and kicked out the church again? Are we going to go back to the same old pre pandemic church? Are the going live prayers going to stop because things are normal? Are businesses that were started going to be done because things are back to normal? Are we going to continue to be focused on the "Old Time Way" and completely ignore the new wave? What are we in a hurry to get back to normal for?

Loneliness didn't start in March of 2020. Depression didn't start in March of 2020. Anxiety issues didn't start March of 2020. What is the normal we want to get back to? I'm not in a hurry to get back to normal. I was asked one time is there any one I talk to outside of church? Not counting social media or twitch, I don't talk to anybody. I go to live streams just to hear people say Hi Daniel or what's up Daniel and not feel pressure to put on an act. I can be Daniel Richerson with no pressure. I can count on one hand of the real people I feel that comfortable with in "real life." 

I'm reminded of a verse that was told to me during an altar call some time ago. Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the Lord, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end." That put a little ease on the on the constant scan my brain tends to be on all the time. You know how you're in the car and you're looking for a radio station to listen to? So you hit the scan button so it goes through random radio stations until you hear a song you like. That's why when people ask what's on my mind I can't answer. That's a loaded question. 

So the question comes why am I not in a hurry? Long answer short, fear of the the unknown. Fear of going back to saying "No more church as usual" with no action. I've grown numb to church clichés with no action. I heard for years that we got to get out the four walls. All the while staying comfortable in their spot on the pew their spot on the totem pole. Keep in mind these are the same people that would say, "Get out your comfort zone." 

My heart really does go out to those who are begging for someone to care about their depression. I remember in high school I would write down statements like, "I'm so sick of being lonely" thinking nobody would read them. One of my old classmates happened to see what I wrote and she encouraged me writing something to the effect of, "Jesus is with you you're not alone." I can't remember verbatim what she wrote, but I really was thinking that nobody would see what I wrote. I didn't think anybody would care. Let alone somebody at high school. The next day she brought me a cookie on a stick with a happy face on it. That was unexpected and something I'll never forget. I was looking for someone to care, and was not expecting it to be one of my classmates. Some of us dealing with depression are just looking for someone to say I care, not to use our situation in a sermon or judge us. We just want to someone to care. When someone is hungry you give them food, right? I mentioned in previous posts that some of us is just looking for an ear to talk to. 

When this pandemic is truly over, let's not just go back to the old time way cause we can, but take what we've learned and developed during the pandemic and apply it. It's a waste of time learning new plays just to go back to the old plays and lose the game. Growing up I would hear, "It's not in the crowd it's in the cloud." When the crowd comes back to the sanctuary lets not forget the cloud that's been with us during the pandemic. Let's also not forget those who dealt with depression, loneliness, and anxiety during the pandemic. Continue to check on those that say they're ok. Continue to do live prayer time if that's your ministry. It is said that if you don't learn from history you're doomed to repeat it. 

That's all I have for this piece. I want to thank God. I want to thank you all for the continued support. I want to thank those that share my posts. My hope is that if I can reach one who possibly may feel the same way I do and realize they're not the only one maybe we can get well together. Follow me on my socials if you want to. Feel free to share this post all around if you feel led. I don't mind.

Stay Saved,

Daniel Richerson

LEARNING HOW TO LOVE AND FORGIVE...ME

One major lesson I've learned through 2020 is that I had to learn how to love myself. My mom put it like this, "You got to learn how to love Daniel." I don't publicize this a lot, but depression is something that I've dealt with since childhood. I think I can speak for a lot of people that this year especially, it feels like those of us that have those mental health issues, we hit a wall this year. It's something the church has finally become more vocal about it. I got trust issues too so I definitely don't open up to every body. When I say I got trust issues, the response is usually, "Well you shouldn't feel that way." Why do we feel that we can dictate how or what people feel from time to time? Every house is different. Even in the church. That line might cost me.

I found this definition of love, "to feel deep affection for" or "like or enjoy very much." So when one tells me, "You got to learn how to love Daniel," it tells me that I have to find deep affection for Daniel. I got to learn how to like and enjoy Daniel. I spend a lot of time alone by myself. When people talk about their circles, I barely got a dot. When I let people in, and when I feel that the circle is growing, it always seems like they disappear out of thin air and I'm by myself again. That's part of the reason why when you see me out in public, I usually keep a straight face so that I don't let people in only to have my heart broken again. Again, this line might cost me, but even amongst church folks. When I'm home, most likely I'm listening to music, or watching funny Youtube Videos just to help keep my head together.

I wrote a post some months ago taken from a New Edition song entitled, "Do You Really Love Me, Don't You Really Care." That was something I've asked myself regarding people around me all the time. Like when people ask me how am I doing, do they really want to know or are they asking to get something out of me. I want to publicly thank those that don't let me stay down when I get down. I want to publicly thank those that have the spiritual eyes and ears to know that I'm not ok sometimes. No matter how much I try to hide it.

I've had panic attacks at random times. The worse one came from when I was working at this manufacturing plant. I was at my station working and I couldn't stop crying. I could barely walk. I was dizzy. I ended up getting sent home because my partner that was working with me at the station saw that something wasn't right so she told the floor leader and she ended up sending me home. Here's the problem. My job was an hour away from where I live. So imagine in that state of mind driving home trying to stay focused. It was nothing but the grace of God that got me home safely.

I don't want to use that "s" word, but yes that has come to mind. In the state of depression that word is bound to come up from time to time, and believe me it has. I always went back to that old song, "Something down inside of me telling me to go 'head." But even with that something, I still needed to learn how to love myself and not be selfish to the fact that how would it affect others if I'd actually went through with it.

The problem then comes with the fact that I'm supposed to be a man of faith. I type all these blogs feeling dead inside sometimes and I get comments about how people enjoyed the posts and how the posts were inspiring. I remember at my 11th high school reunion, don't ask, I was approached by an old classmate and she told me that she enjoyed the posts. Even with those small glimmers of hope, I'd still feel empty like what is this all for in the end? 

Learning how to love yourself also means learning how to forgive yourself. If you've asked God for forgiveness, and you know that He has forgiven you, that should be enough for you to also say that you forgive yourself. I quote Kirk Franklin a lot, and I'm going to quote him again. On a interview on TBN, Kirk said, "David was a whore monger. David was a adulterer. David was a horrible husband. He was a horrible father, but somewhere in the text it says that David was a man after God's own heart." So what am I saying? God sees the worth despite of the mess. Somehow or another I had to learn how to see my worth despite of my mess. 

I talked about mental health, and it is an important subject in today's times more than ever, but we have to take the proper precautions to protect it. That means we can't watch everything. That means we got to cut off some dead branches so we can grow properly. That means that as much as I miss some of the people that used to be in my life, I got to let some if not all of them go. Song writer said, "I'm not going back, moving ahead. I'm here to declare to you my past is over in You all things all made new. Surrendered my life to Christ, and I'm moving forward." It is written, "Therefore if any man be in Christ, he is a new creature: old things are passed away; behold, all things are become new."

Now with all that being said that doesn't stop life from happening. It is written, "There hath no temptation taken you but such as is common to man: but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above  that you are able; but will with temptation also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it." In other words, God will never put more on you than you can bear. Jesus said, "Come unto me all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light."

All this to say that I'm on the pathway of learning how to love/like Daniel. I still got a ways to go, but with God's help and with the help of the right people, I'm going to make it. Paul told the Philippians, "Brethren, I count not myself to have apprehended: but this one thing I do forgetting those things which are behind, and reaching forth unto those things which before, I press toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus."

Stay Saved, 

Daniel Richerson

If you search for Kirk Franklin Steve Harvey TBN testimony from 2011, you'll find the video of Kirk dropping a lot of jewels. 

A LITTLE BIT OF FAITH IS STILL FAITH

 "Something down inside of me telling me to go ahead"

"I almost gave up but a power that I can't explain fell from heaven like a shower." (Kirk Franklin)

"I'll trust You, though is not easy. Sometimes the pain in my life makes You seem so far away, but I'll trust You. I need to know You're here. Through the tears and the pain. Through the heartache and rain. I'll trust you." (James Fortune)

"In spite of all I've done, Jesus You keep on looking out for me." (Kirk Franklin)

"If I concentrate on all the bad

And all the things I wish I had

How can the dark clouds ever pass?

Weeping may endure for a night

But joy comes in the morning light

God'll keep your spirit right

So, no matter what the people say

Ain't nobody takin' this joy away

Inspite of everything I've been through

I can say

Thank you Jesus, thank you Jesus" (Kirk Franklin)

In 2014 around September, I believe, I had a job working at this company Velux. As I am now, I was stand offish because I didn't know anybody, which made me an easy target of jokes. I was in my late 20s still dealing with other people talking about him. That's beside the point. One particular night, I was eating lunch which was a little bit of leftover Chinese food. One of my coworkers made a comment about how much food I had or didn't. I then made a comment that went something like, "Well, I've had less." Basically pointing out the fact that a little more than 3 years prior I didn't know when my next meal was coming from. So that then turned into a conversation about my story. Not having a home not having a  meal. I basically shared my story. That was really the first time I opened up about that. I got comfortable to finally having a roof over my head, and no longer being hungry like I was. I never really shared what I went through. So when I shared, I broke down. I tried my best to stop the tears from falling, but I didn't win that fight. What really broke me even more was after lunch break, I was still trying to get myself together. I was at my spot trying to do my job the best I can. Another one of my coworkers heard about what happened and my story, and he said, "To go through what you've gone through and still be able to stand here and work. You're a hell of a man." That was it for me.

I bring this story up because it was at this point where I felt that there was a reason for me to make it through all that I went through. It was as that point where I felt that I didn't go through what I went through for nothing. It was at that point where I felt that I had purpose. I knew I had purpose, but I didn't really feel that I had purpose. That night showed me, even if it was a glimmer, it showed me that my story meant something. Being a church kid, being raised where testimony service was still a thing, I heard, "We're overcome by the word of our testimony and the blood of the lamb." I believe that's based on Revelation 12:11. Song writer said, "My test became my testimony to tell." 

I'm not the only one with a story. I'm not the only one that knows what hope looks like. A glimmer of hope is still hope. A little bit of faith is still faith. Old song says, "You don't need a whole lot, just use what you got. Faith, faith, faith, just a little bit of faith." So I encourage you, and I encourage myself, to hold on to that faith. Hold on to that hope. God loves you despite of whatever you did or done. How can I say that? Well Romans 8:38-39, "For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angles, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come, nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord."

That was the first time an idea of writing a book came to mind, but I never really went in on it. I was still dealing with depression and self-doubt. In some ways, I'm still dealing with it. So the question is, how do I keep going on? How do I keep walking with my limp, as Jonathan McReynolds put it. To be honest, not to be cliche. It's God. Old song says, "He could have let me drown, but instead He took me in"

The Bible says, "Without faith it is impossible to please God." A mustard seed of faith can move mountains. We got to stay in the Bible. Stay in the field. Old song says, "Stay in the field, until the war is ended." I know we want people to care about us, but we got to care about us. We got to find value in ourselves. We got to see the worth in us. Somehow we got to learn to see through God's eyes not our own eyes. The Bible says, "Death and life is in the power of the tongue." So what are you speaking over yourself? What are you speaking over situations? What are you speaking? 

I heard Kirk Franklin say some time ago, "We no longer have to perform for God. We can go to God just as we are." What's that mean? Some churches look at you strange if you don't praise right. If you don't dance right. You can't praise like anybody else because you didn't go through what they went through. You know what you went through. Praise God for you not for anybody else. I heard somebody say, "Give God a praise that don't belong to anybody else." 

Now I put songs at the beginning. These are just some of the songs that help me get my mind right when I get down. When my anxiety kicks in, I go to songs like these. I go to people that I know can pray like my Mom and my little sister. I try to stay positive while I'm scared. I try to stay sane while feeling insane. I learn how to take the meat and spit out the bones. One thing I am making sure of is that I don't become so down that I don't fall for every "word" that comes my way. Why? Because a lot of pastors and leaders, not your pastor, not my pastor, but some pastors have become predators in sense that they're preying on your emotions. Even tough we're in a pandemic, those people that charge you for a prayer are still preying. Be careful. Hollywood is not the only place that's full of actors.

That's all I got for this one. I hope you got something out of it. If you read this far, can you please share? Thank you for reading.

Stay Saved,

Daniel Richerson