2 MONTHS LATER...

For Lashun Pace. For Scott Hall. For any one else has transitioned, no  matter how long it has been. Thoughts and prayers with with the families. It's been two months since my Dad passed, and I will say I'm still feeling the affects.

I can also say that there have been more times now that I've felt great mentally. With that being said, at the same time I still have episodes here and there. What are episodes? Panic attacks. Attacks where my mind just wanders what if....Thank God now that some people know that what I deal with and they are showing compassion. I finally got the answer to the questions I've been asking for the last how many--for a long time, "Do you really love me? Don't you really care? Do you really need me?" I've come to realize that some people actually do. When the action of love is shown it hits different.

I remember being at the funeral home and having to change clothes because the shirt I had on didn't fit. The man at the funeral home opened the closed room where Dad was set up and seeing him in the casket, will be an image I'll never forget. It wasn't until some time later when it hit me that he wasn't going to wake up from that casket, and when it hit, it hit like a young Mike Tyson going for the knockout. I was surrounded by family, my sister had me by the arm, I had my sunglasses on, my pastor, Dad's pastor, my sister's pastor all there, and I lost control. That dam finally broke. Holding my emotions back the whole week before. Being around dogs that became like emotional support dogs and family, who were worried about me, I tried to be as strong as I possibly could. Then the realization hit....

I've always had a problem being different. I've always had an issue being Daniel Richerson. I've had an issue of being myself, and being ok with being myself. You know that awkwardness when you say something, and you get no response? Imagine that feeling all the time...

Like though even though I've been more and more open through these blogs, and I'm told that I'm helping somebody. There's still that fear of maybe I'm saying too much....I'm going to quote a lyric that I'm probably not allowed to quote, but it's a lyric that's been on repeat in my head during down time at my work station. 

"Sitting here sippin' on something to drink 

The enemy's got the best of me
And I gotta do something quick, before I go crazy
So many voices in my head, so load I can't even think
My friends and family are gone, my life is going so wrong
LORD, I need you to come, Oh! take me home, Oh! make
A way, Out of no way, MY HERO! come on and save the day!" R Kelly - Clean This House (Remix)

Thank God I have a support team that's actually worried about my well being. I had an episode one night at work, not going into details, but a good friend of mine got me away from my station and helped me. He told me that he had my back. That kind of stuff breaks me. When I have people asking if I'm ok when things look stressful. When God takes time to let you know that you are not forgotten...

This was all over the place, I apologize. I told y'all that I have problems putting the words together sometimes. I just want to be ok. There's this young lady that asks me how I'm doing every time she sees me, and I give her the honest answer that I'm meh. She asked me one night, "Why is it every time I see you, that's your answer?" Which is true, but I have told her that I'm good somedays and somehow she knew I was lying. She then told me, "I hope one day, you can say you're good, and really mean it." My response, "I hope so too." 

 If you got this far, I appreciate you for reading. I appreciate you for caring. Keep praying for me. I know I still don't reach out like people want me to. Just don't give up on me, ok? Please.

Stay Saved,

Daniel Richerson

HAVE SOME THINGS TO DO BUT HAD TO GET THIS OFF MY CHEST

Cue Clean This House remix feat R-Kelly by Isaac Carree. I cannot wait to get this song on June 25^th. I’m counting down the days. So I know the last post was heavy. But it was real. And it was definitely what I was feeling at the time. So with that being said…

James 4:17 says “So then, those who do not do the good they know they should do are guilty of sin.” We’ve all heard that excuse, “God knows my heart.” Cop out. You know better. Saying you can’t break that nasty habit. You can’t stop this or that. I would stop this but blah blah blah. I would stop but I can’t help it. Yes you can. We all got our struggles, trust I knows I do. But when we know to better and we don’t because it’s a habit that we choose not to break, come on now. It can be done. Matthew 6:22-23 says, 22 “The eyes are like a lamp for the body. If your eyes are sound, your whole body will be full of light; 23but if your eyes are no good, your body will be in darkness. So if the light in you is darkness, how terribly dark it will be!” Donald Lawrence said it like this, “Guard your hearing/Guard your seeing/Guard your speaking/Guard your heart.” If you stop feeding what you’re struggling with, it will die. It’s as simple as the life of a plant. If you stop watering the roots of a plant, that plant will die. Stop cutting leafs and branches of the habit and kill it at the root. You may have to stop watching certain things that you love. Starving something is not going to be easy. It’s going to put up a fight. But if you’re in a true relationship with Jesus the Christ, then he’ll fight that battle for you. You have to let go and let God.

Now I was going to end the blog there and just post it. You know Stay Saved, and all that. But fortunately I got to thinking and I got some things I want to get off my chest, again. Why don’t I talk to somebody, because I can’t get out what I want to say through talking. This is unfortunate, but your reputation has affect on how you get treated. If you have a rep of being lazy, even if you’re trying to do better and actually doing something…most likely it won’t matter. People will continue to question what you do from day to day if you do anything at all. It’s fair to a point. If you have a reputation of being a child molester, I wouldn’t hire you at a daycare. Or if you’re in this situation where you got fired for violating company policy and you haven’t a hard time finding a new job. It’s understandable why you’re not getting call backs from applications you put in. It sucks, but life is life. I just wish that when you see people trying to change that people will accept it. If they are willing to change, who are you to continue to hold their previous decisions over people’s heads? I got to watch my words here because what I really want to say could get me razzed 4 life.

Or how about getting accused of something you’re apparently not doing because of your reputation? I’m sorry but that’s a crotch chop waiting to happen from me. You know what they say in church, “If I can’t say a word, I’ll just wave my hand.” Well ever felt like, “If I can’t say a word, I’ll just wave the finger.” Not saying to do that, but you definitely feel like doing it sometimes. Especially when you get called lazy for doing something that somebody else is getting praised for.

Now I know I got things to do but if I didn’t get this out, I would’ve been pissed off all day.  My name is Daniel Richerson and I have been a world class screw up. I admit to all my faults. That’s one thing that old job cannot accuse me of. I came clean about everything. But when I try, or when I am redeeming myself, but still get treated like I’m the same screw up…nigg—you ain’t perfect either. The same way you get mad when people call you out, hello? So please believe, I’m doing better and I’m going to be better. I realize my faults. I’m not naïve despite what you may think about me. Instead of worrying about me being the screw up you know me to be, how about try praying for me and ask me how I’m doing? Don’t ask me how I’m doing with the mindset of the screw up, but hopefully with the mindset of really wanting to know how I’m doing? How bout that? It may be too heavy but at this point? My level of giving a—is welp—

Stay Saved,

Daniel Richerson
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