FIND YOUR REASON

It's been a while since it's been this bad. I couldn't stop crying. What's wrong? I don't know. That may not be acceptable but it's the truth. The phrase it's ok to not be ok may be true, but the fact of the matter is not being ok is a pain in the....but I've been doing good though. At least I feel that way. I've been going to therapy...maybe I shouldn't have been joking about it like I do, but it's how I get through a day sometimes. I joke around with a lot of things that I probably shouldn't. Again though I don't really know what triggered this crying spell this time. I've been crying publicly since school. Weather it's from embarrassment or getting made fun of which happened often.

I try not to live in the past, it's the reliving part that I have trouble with. Dad transitioned back in January of 2022, and I still dream of him often. It's always back in the apartments I grew up in that was known as the Landing. I can't recall anything traumatic happening there or anything, but for some strange reason my mind goes back to that point in my life.

The one thing I don't want to be is a distraction. Sorry if I ever was one to anybody. As I was crying I heard in my head, Get over it, be made whole. Don't you think I want to be whole? You think being like this is that path I wanted to take? Like I got a degree in depression and anxiety as a choice. This is just me typing things out. I understand people don't read the blogs anymore because they feel it may be my last one, but I do appreciate those that stick around and read them. 

FYI, I would never post my last letter online because I'd be too interested to see the response....just being real. So to put people at ease this is not a suicide letter. This is just me spilling what's in my head. I got a big head, so trust there's a lot in there. Speaking of suicide, those that have read these, know that I have suicidal thoughts. Before I came home from work one of my co-workers said it out bluntly, "Don't kill yourself." I got a hug from a supervisor and another co-worker. I went back to my station to get my stuff and one of the students gave me a hug and asked to pray with me. 

To use the quote I used last post, "I wish you what I have, people around who care." Yet, and yet, if we don't care for ourselves, then it may say it doesn't matter if anybody cares or not. Think of some of the suicides we've publicly heard about. Robin Williams was married with kids and was loved and adored by millions. Twitch was married with kids and was also adored and loved by a lot of people, but to both of them, that wasn't enough motivation to keep going. Charity starts at home. Love should start at home. If you can't love yourself....if you can't take care of your self....how do you expect to even attempt to take care of others or love others? Truly. 

This post was all over the place, but this is my way. Your way may be something different, but I urge you to find a way. Find your motivation to keep going. There's a reason to keep going. You just got to find your reason. Not saying it's easy, or that it's gonna be easy, but I'm saying is that that reason is out there, you just got to go get it. Peace and Love

Stay Saved,

Daniel Richerson

"Untitled" only because I couldn't think of one...

I've had many people tell me Daniel we're going to do this, we're going to do that. I've had many people tell me about their dreams and that I was going to be a part of it. I would get so excited about the potential of their vision coming to pass which would cause me to become stagnant on my own path. I would become stagnant in making the right decisions for my life due to so and so said this and that was going to happen and they wanted me to be a part of it. So in my mind I would have something to look forward to, and I would end up being like that meme where the skeleton is starting out the window waiting, when I could've use that time to work on myself. How much time has been wasted by us waiting on somebody else's dream to come to fruition while our dreams turn to dust? How many more wake up calls do you need to pick the dream back up? You hear the message through song, through sermons, and even through some social media posts, yet some of us still sit back and twiddle our thumbs. 

In the Contemporary English Version, James 2:26, "Anyone who doesn't breathe is dead, and faith that doesn't do anything is just as dead"

Switching gears just a little bit, I mean no disrespect, but I'm not what older generations calls us millennials. I'm not a clout chaser. I don't chase titles. Reason why I don't chase titles is because I don't want to become one of those people who forgets what's it's like to be laymen. I don't want to be that bougie person that forgets where God has brought me from. There's a wrestler that I'm a fan of and I was in one of his streams. One of the people in the chat was using wrestling insider terms. Terms that because of the internet and shoot interviews, out of character interviews, that we as fans have learned and added to our vocabulary. Again, just a fan in the live stream used some insider terms, and the wrestler reacted with a bougie like laugh and with a response like "Oh, I remember when I was like you. Using terms acting like I know what I'm talking about." What it sounded like to me, "Oh, I remember when I was a peasant just like you. Now I'm better than you." So besides just letting the fan be a fan and just answer his question or whatever he asked, the wrestler decided to stick his preverbal nose at the fan and disregard the comment. 

I see a lot of this "Christian" sessions as well whether it be at church or just a bible study, new converts try to get more information on what they're supposed to do, but they get looked down upon. I don't know how some churches become a revolving door? Maybe it's because that "love of Christ" is more like the "love" of a dead beat. Show love one time and think that's supposed to work. I believe it's written, "The  Lord hath appeared of old unto me,, saying, Yea, I have loved thee with an everlasting love: therefore with lovingkindness have I drawn thee." Webster defines everlasting, "continuing for a long time or indefinitely." So with that kind of love, the everlasting love, why look over those who are on the come up? Why look down on those who aren't moving as quickly as you are? Tell me priest and Levite, why did you pass the man that's half dead laying on the street? 

The worse thing you can tell people that's struggling in the mental compacity is "get over it." For your information, everyday they're working to get over it. I remember some people questioned when the songwriter said, "My past still controls me. Will this hurt ever leave? I can only trust you, no one else like you do." At a choir rehearsal they wanted to take that line out. I like to believe that the writer wasn't saying he was controlled by his past more like haunted by his past. I know I'm not the only one that's made some regrettable decisions in life. Just the other day I was streaming on Twitch and a moment that I have tried to forget come back to my head and I had to end the stream early. I ended the stream because it got me off focus. I use Twitch as a platform where I can just chill and laugh, and at that moment I was about to lose my mind.

It all goes back to mental health. I know it seems like it's all I talk about, but it's something I've neglected for a long time. You got to protect it. How can you protect it? Pray. You don't have to pray like your pastor or anybody else that has a FB Live prayer line. Old hymn says, "Let us have a little talk with Jesus/ Let us tell Him all about our troubles/ He will hear our faintest cry/ And He will answer by and by/ And when you feel a little prayer wheel turnin'/ And you will know a little fire is burnin'/ Find a little talk with Jesus makes it right." After you pray, act on it.

Thanks for reading the post if you got this far. Sorry that it's been so long since the last post, but due mental health, I know I'm sorry, and other things, I didn't feel compelled to write anything. Shout outs to my little sister and others who keep me motivated to keep being creative. I hope you comment and share the post if you got something out of it. Until the next post.

Stay Saved,

Daniel Richerson

THIS BLOG TOOK A TURN

This was originally going to be another blog about my depression and suicidal thoughts. Then I realize that I couldn't do that. I didn't want to continue to live in misery. We all got issues. We all have bruises. I just thought it wasn't a crime to say "Ow" sometimes. March 23rd I wrote a post I titled, "Unspoken", and I was very open about mental issues and anxiety. I would say that I had them. My little sister left me a comment that said, "you’re working through anxiety and mental health issues, sibling. It does not have you nor do you have it!!" And I thought she was crazy. Like I'm living with this. I know what goes on through my head on a daily, how you going to say I don't have anxiety, and mental issues? 

I believe she was trying to tell me that I have to be careful what I speak over myself. The Bible says in Proverbs 23:7a "For as he thinketh in his heart, so is he..." The last clause of Luke 6:45 "...for of the abundance of the heart his mouth speaketh." The song writer said, "Sometimes you have to encourage yourself." It's nice to get encouragement from love ones. I believe we all like a little encouragement every once in a while, but when you feel like you're not getting any encouragement, why not encourage yourself? You may not see what you're speaking, but as my old Pastor once said, "Faith is daring the soul to go beyond what the eye can see." Song writer said, "I may not see it, but I hear it." Somebody else says, "You got to see it before you see it if you're ever going to see it" Let's go Bible. Hebrews 11:1 "Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen." Proverbs 18:21 in the Good News Bible, "What you say can preserve life or destroy it; so you must accept the consequences of your words."

Now the question comes how can you truly encourage yourself if you don't like yourself? I would say that's a legit question. I'm still growing in that department of liking Daniel. Find a reason to smile. Find that reason to laugh and smile. Some would say as a Christian, you don't do what necessarily feels good to you all the time, which is true, but you can find a reason to laugh. Don't let depression kick your butt. Turn the news off. If you can't turn social media off, you can at least hide the posts you don't want to see or unfollow. Radio personality Charlamagne tha god often says, "Protect your mental health." By any means necessary. Instead of watching the news, watch a good movie. Listen to your favorite song. Distance yourself from people that mean you no good even if that includes family or the people you may go to church with.

I've been told for years that I got to start looking at myself through God's eyes. What does God say about you? Forget what other people say about you. Jeremiah 29:11 in the Amplified Bible, "For I know the plans and thoughts that I have for you, says the Lord, plans for peace and well-being and not for disaster to give you a future and a hope." Another verse comes to mind Philippians 2:5, "Let this mind be in you, which was also in Christ Jesus." Song writer said, "His report says I am healed/ His report says I am filled/ His report says I am free/ His report says victory." Take notice what report didn't say. Nothing about anxiety, depression, etc. Not saying those feelings won't come, but don't give in. Keep walking. 

I want to take this time to thank my sister for checking on me just about everyday to make sure that I'm ok. I want to thank the people in some of the livestreams I go into, for making a person dealing with being alone among other things feel welcome. From the church streams to the gaming streams. Thank you. I want to thank all of you who has help me keep my head up and in the game. I know I don't communicate like I should, but thank you for loving me anyway. I want to thank all the people at the cardiac rehab center I go to for helping me get through my workouts. Thank you all for reminding me that I'm not walking alone.

I hope something was said that helped out. I hope if you feel led, you share this post all you can. Continue to pray for your boy.

Stay Saved,

Daniel Richerson