20 YEARS?!?!

For Drew, Tiffany, Brooks, and Kevin.

So it's been 20 years since I graduated high school. We recently had our high school reunion, and to be honest I wasn't going to go at first. I wasn't going to go because for one I was scared. I didn't want to discuss how I'm currently doing. Since my job requires me to talk to college kids, I didn't want to have the conversation, "Oh I go back and forth with teenagers. Just living the dream!" My anxiety was speaking loudly.

 I've never been good at mingling with people. I'm currently working on how I talk about myself or speak about myself, but if I can be honest, I still have that low self-esteem that I've always had growing up. Discussing how I'm doing is still not easy, but with therapy I feel like I'm getting better.  That feeling of expecting the worse was heavy as well. As well as that feeling of comparison. Bottom line, like I've stated in previous blogs, I can type stuff out better than I can speak it. 

Getting to the reunion was a trip in itself. Unknowingly I put in the wrong address on Google maps, so when I got to where I thought was the destination I was confused because there was no where to park. At first in my mind I thought this was a sign to turn around and go home. Again my anxiety was telling me this was a bad idea even going to this thing, but I digress. So I found a parking lot and put in the right address. Even while I was parking in the correct parking lot I was telling myself, "Well you already paid for your ticket might as well..."

I was told by one of my therapists to try and have fun. My mom told me not to overthink things. I went in the place and found my old high school picture, and first thought was I remember that guy. They spelt my last name wrong because of course they did. Anyway, a couple of young ladies I knew of in high school, asked me to take a picture at this photo booth gimmick they had set up. I didn't want to take any pictures but I didn't want to be the typical asocial person I've been since ever. Asocial meaning lacking motivation for social interaction, and of course I told my sister, I was dragged to take the picture, but moving on.

One of my other fears going into the reunion was crying. I didn't want to cry, and by the grace of God I didn't. One person I feel tried his best to get me. We started talking about whatever we were talking about and he brought up how my smile always made his day better. Oddly enough, I don't remember smiling much in high school. Anyway, this guy said I should do, "A Day In the Life of Daniel" TikTok.  I vowed to myself to never ever get on or create a TikTok, but according to some people I should get one. Even my sister said, "I got the personality for it." I don't know, maybe---

While walking around I noticed that there was a tribute to those that were no longer here. That almost got me because I could've been up there. With my congestive heart failure, with my kidney issues, depression, anxiety, panic attacks, and even thoughts of suicide...so yeah, my heart sank a little bit when I saw that tribute. 

The rest of the reunion went fairly well I think. The question comes did I see any of my old friends or reconnect. Here's the thing about some of the people I hung out with in high school, some of them where a couple of years younger, and even the ones that were in the class of 2005 with me....we were kind of a weird group anyway. I mean of course I would've loved to see some of the old crew, but it just wasn't meant to be. 

So that was my 20 year high school reunion. The past 20 years hasn't been the kindest to me, but I'm still here. If you're reading this, and you were at the reunion, thank you for being nice to me. Yes I had a great time. On to the next one I guess. If you're read this far, I thank you. Please share and repost this so others can read. Please read and share my old blogs if you so choose.

Stay Saved,

Daniel Richerson

FIND YOUR REASON

It's been a while since it's been this bad. I couldn't stop crying. What's wrong? I don't know. That may not be acceptable but it's the truth. The phrase it's ok to not be ok may be true, but the fact of the matter is not being ok is a pain in the....but I've been doing good though. At least I feel that way. I've been going to therapy...maybe I shouldn't have been joking about it like I do, but it's how I get through a day sometimes. I joke around with a lot of things that I probably shouldn't. Again though I don't really know what triggered this crying spell this time. I've been crying publicly since school. Weather it's from embarrassment or getting made fun of which happened often.

I try not to live in the past, it's the reliving part that I have trouble with. Dad transitioned back in January of 2022, and I still dream of him often. It's always back in the apartments I grew up in that was known as the Landing. I can't recall anything traumatic happening there or anything, but for some strange reason my mind goes back to that point in my life.

The one thing I don't want to be is a distraction. Sorry if I ever was one to anybody. As I was crying I heard in my head, Get over it, be made whole. Don't you think I want to be whole? You think being like this is that path I wanted to take? Like I got a degree in depression and anxiety as a choice. This is just me typing things out. I understand people don't read the blogs anymore because they feel it may be my last one, but I do appreciate those that stick around and read them. 

FYI, I would never post my last letter online because I'd be too interested to see the response....just being real. So to put people at ease this is not a suicide letter. This is just me spilling what's in my head. I got a big head, so trust there's a lot in there. Speaking of suicide, those that have read these, know that I have suicidal thoughts. Before I came home from work one of my co-workers said it out bluntly, "Don't kill yourself." I got a hug from a supervisor and another co-worker. I went back to my station to get my stuff and one of the students gave me a hug and asked to pray with me. 

To use the quote I used last post, "I wish you what I have, people around who care." Yet, and yet, if we don't care for ourselves, then it may say it doesn't matter if anybody cares or not. Think of some of the suicides we've publicly heard about. Robin Williams was married with kids and was loved and adored by millions. Twitch was married with kids and was also adored and loved by a lot of people, but to both of them, that wasn't enough motivation to keep going. Charity starts at home. Love should start at home. If you can't love yourself....if you can't take care of your self....how do you expect to even attempt to take care of others or love others? Truly. 

This post was all over the place, but this is my way. Your way may be something different, but I urge you to find a way. Find your motivation to keep going. There's a reason to keep going. You just got to find your reason. Not saying it's easy, or that it's gonna be easy, but I'm saying is that that reason is out there, you just got to go get it. Peace and Love

Stay Saved,

Daniel Richerson

ALMOST A YEAR IN THERAPY...

 Something Don Rickles (RIP) would say in his act, "I wish you what I have, people around you who care." I've been in therapy for almost a year. During this year I've had many anxiety attacks, mostly at work. I've had trouble sleeping for the most part. My mind just goes different places when I get to the point of laying me down to sleep. I'm on two antidepressants, Zoloft and Abilify. All this and still dealing with grief. I don't know if that will ever go away.

Dealing with all that, with people who actually care makes the journey a little easier. It's like what the writer said, "Nobody told me that the road would be easy, but I don't believe He brought this far to leave me."

I want to apologize for not being as whole as some of you want me to be. That's part of the reason I apologize when I have the attacks I have because I don't want to be a burden to anybody. The attacks seem to always happen after my therapy appointments which is weird because the session go well. I get to work hoping to have a good night, then at one point of the night like clockwork, boom. I feel overwhelmed. Eyes get watery, and all of the sudden the thoughts I try to suppress, come back and I feel like I'm stuck. I try to fight it by "manning up" and doing the job, but even that becomes a tassel. Then the question gets asked, "Daniel, are you ok?" It took me a while to figure out that it's ok to not be ok. I've read that on many of social media posts, but to look someone in the eye and say no I'm not ok is not easy.

When I get to the point where I can admit that I'm not ok, that's when the release comes. I can go outside and get some air, pray, and or call someone. I come back to myself the best I can and come back to work. "Daniel, if you ever need to talk..." I'm slowly starting to believe some when they say that. Cause for so long...know what I mean? 

Without going into too much detail, I'm just going to say that suicide has been hitting a little too close to home. Having people around you is good but I feel what's important is what are those people doing? Do they care about your well being or are you just a number on the phone or a friend on a friends list. Having friends and family around is cool, but what does it matter if they don't care about your mental well being. Don't wait until it's too late to tell someone that you care. You telling someone you care might just save their life.

"I wish you what I have, people around you who care." ~ Don Rickles

Again I'm going to apologize, this time for the time between the blogs. I had a lot to say but I didn't know how to put it into words together? I don't know, I hope this makes up for it. If you got anything out of this please share. If you know anybody that also deals with anxiety and depression, maybe share this with them to let them know that they're not alone. Like I've said in the past, if I can reach one person, I feel that I've done my job. Peace, Love, and

Stay Saved,

Daniel Richerson