20 YEARS?!?!

For Drew, Tiffany, Brooks, and Kevin.

So it's been 20 years since I graduated high school. We recently had our high school reunion, and to be honest I wasn't going to go at first. I wasn't going to go because for one I was scared. I didn't want to discuss how I'm currently doing. Since my job requires me to talk to college kids, I didn't want to have the conversation, "Oh I go back and forth with teenagers. Just living the dream!" My anxiety was speaking loudly.

 I've never been good at mingling with people. I'm currently working on how I talk about myself or speak about myself, but if I can be honest, I still have that low self-esteem that I've always had growing up. Discussing how I'm doing is still not easy, but with therapy I feel like I'm getting better.  That feeling of expecting the worse was heavy as well. As well as that feeling of comparison. Bottom line, like I've stated in previous blogs, I can type stuff out better than I can speak it. 

Getting to the reunion was a trip in itself. Unknowingly I put in the wrong address on Google maps, so when I got to where I thought was the destination I was confused because there was no where to park. At first in my mind I thought this was a sign to turn around and go home. Again my anxiety was telling me this was a bad idea even going to this thing, but I digress. So I found a parking lot and put in the right address. Even while I was parking in the correct parking lot I was telling myself, "Well you already paid for your ticket might as well..."

I was told by one of my therapists to try and have fun. My mom told me not to overthink things. I went in the place and found my old high school picture, and first thought was I remember that guy. They spelt my last name wrong because of course they did. Anyway, a couple of young ladies I knew of in high school, asked me to take a picture at this photo booth gimmick they had set up. I didn't want to take any pictures but I didn't want to be the typical asocial person I've been since ever. Asocial meaning lacking motivation for social interaction, and of course I told my sister, I was dragged to take the picture, but moving on.

One of my other fears going into the reunion was crying. I didn't want to cry, and by the grace of God I didn't. One person I feel tried his best to get me. We started talking about whatever we were talking about and he brought up how my smile always made his day better. Oddly enough, I don't remember smiling much in high school. Anyway, this guy said I should do, "A Day In the Life of Daniel" TikTok.  I vowed to myself to never ever get on or create a TikTok, but according to some people I should get one. Even my sister said, "I got the personality for it." I don't know, maybe---

While walking around I noticed that there was a tribute to those that were no longer here. That almost got me because I could've been up there. With my congestive heart failure, with my kidney issues, depression, anxiety, panic attacks, and even thoughts of suicide...so yeah, my heart sank a little bit when I saw that tribute. 

The rest of the reunion went fairly well I think. The question comes did I see any of my old friends or reconnect. Here's the thing about some of the people I hung out with in high school, some of them where a couple of years younger, and even the ones that were in the class of 2005 with me....we were kind of a weird group anyway. I mean of course I would've loved to see some of the old crew, but it just wasn't meant to be. 

So that was my 20 year high school reunion. The past 20 years hasn't been the kindest to me, but I'm still here. If you're reading this, and you were at the reunion, thank you for being nice to me. Yes I had a great time. On to the next one I guess. If you're read this far, I thank you. Please share and repost this so others can read. Please read and share my old blogs if you so choose.

Stay Saved,

Daniel Richerson

WHERE THERE IS HELP, THERE SHOULD ALSO BE GROWTH

Psalm 121:1-2 "I will lift up mine eyes unto the hills, from whence cometh my help. My help cometh from the Lord, which made heaven and earth."

I was sitting in bible study, and the discussion was on Jesus being the resurrection and the life. Based on the John 11:25, "Jesus said unto her, I am the resurrection, and the life:" The discussion was also talking about "I am." All I kept hearing is "help." I started thinking back when I played C-Team football for Eastside High School, when I was in the 8th grade. I wasn't athletic at all. To be honest I really didn't want to be there. I was just coasting the whole time. Anyway there was a part of practice that was called conditioning, and it mostly evolved a lot of running. I wasn't the fastest runner in the world, so sometimes my teammates would help me out by pulling my shoulder pad. They helped me out so that I became dependent. When they didn't help me I thought, I couldn't do it without their help. So I would ask, "Who's going to help me?" I didn't have the confidence in my ability to even try to do it on my own because I became dependent. I probably could have done it without help, but I didn't think or believe that I could. Then this came to me, "Where there is help, there should also be growth." I became so dependent on the help that I didn't learn from it.

Like in school when the teacher gives you an assignment, and you need help with something. The teacher may help you with that question once or twice, but they expect you to learn through the help and sooner or later get it on your own. So the teacher helps you so you can grow in knowledge to sooner or later do it yourself. When the teacher doesn't help, how do you feel? You feel like no one cares, right? You feel helpless. Now teachers get tired sometimes. They sometimes get to the point where they don't feel like helping. They'd rather sit at the desk and do other things other than helping you with what you need help on. How many of you are glad that God is not like man?

God will help you through anything, if you let him. First you got to want the help. You got to let go and let God. God won't infringe on your freewill. You can say, "Jesus take the wheel" but if your hands is also on the wheel, what's the purpose? When in school if you got a question or you need help, you raise your hand, right? Maybe if some of us lifted up our hands in surrender, we'd be closer to getting the help we need. Second you got to open up your mouth and ask for help. A closed mouth don't get fed. You don't ask for help in class when you needed, you are likely to fail that class right? So naturally so spiritually. You ask God for help, he'll help you. Proverbs 18:21, "Death and life are in the power of the tongue: and they that love it shall eat the fruit thereof." Lastly, don't be afraid to ask for help.

I knew I needed help with getting buying groceries. So when I finally filled out an application to get an EBT card, I got the help I needed. If I had not gone to DSS and filled out an application, I'd have no one to blame but me. Sometimes the answer is right in front of our faces, we just got to get up and move. Nobody is going to force you to move. If you can still make your mouth move to form words, you have all you need to ask for help and grow in knowledge.

Some people are dumb because they choose to be. Some people refuse help. And they got to live with that. But Jesus is standing there ready to take you by the hand and lead you in the right direction. Don't feel bad for asking for help. We talked in bible study that it's a shepherd's job to help because sheep are dumb animals. Jesus is the good shepherd right? Let him lead you.

Stay Saved,

Daniel Richerson

My Prom night memories...

Cue Let Me Praise Him by Euclid Gray! Thanks for all the views on the last blog. I’m over 5000 all time! That’s amazing. Keep ‘em coming folks. As always follow me on Twitter @Big_Dusty and friend me on Facebook.com/bigdusty!

So it’s prom season. Looking on FaceBook, high school kids are posting their prom pictures. Hair and Nail Salons are booked solid. Guys are at the barber shop making sure they look tight for the night. Guys are making sure they have their breath mints. Girls are making sure their phones are charged up so they can get pictures that can last a life time!

Let’s take a trip back about 7 years. My prom night. Let’s get this out the way. My mind wasn’t right in high school. I hated school with a passion. I didn’t try in school. I got by. So anything school related was just to get out the house and say I went. Now most people for prom, they buy new suits that haven’t been wore before. Me? I wore a suit that I’ve worn to church dozens of times, and church shoes that were probably worn out. Most people have special cars they go in for prom…limos and such. Me? My dad drove me in a ’98 Toyota Camry. I’m not kidding. You may think, it doesn’t get worse. Well let’s go back before the Camry to the “prom pictures.” You know those pictures you take before you go to prom to show off what you are wearing to the dance. I couldn’t tell you where my prom pictures are now. The picture of the night? I took a picture with my dog at the time, Ginger, with her on a leash. I told y’all my mind set back in school was terrible.

So I got to the place after my dad dropped me off in the ’98 Toyota Camry. I saw all my classmates in their clean suits and clean dresses. I don’t remember exactly, but I can bet that my suit had dog hair all over it. Not only that, but I was dateless. Go figure. Also I was literally by myself…the whole night. The core group I usually hung with? Nowhere to be found. Possibly because one of them dropped out, two of them where not seniors…neither here nor there. I spent most of the night at prom walking around hoping someone would talk to me. Initiating the conversation? Me in high school? HA! No. I do remember looking at the dance floor thinking it was more of an orgy. I was never much of a dancer anyway. I left that stuff to my sister. She’s the dancer. To answer your question, I didn’t have that slow dance at prom. I think I remember I was asked to dance, but don’t quote me on that. Needless to say, I separated myself in high school, and believe me, 7 years later, I regret it. I truly do.

Now you talk to other people from the class of 2005 from Eastside High School, and they’ll probably tell you stories that they’ll never forget. Why? Cause they made the most of it. They knew that this was a moment in time that they would never get back. I figured that if I went that would be good enough. Not knowing that 7 years later, I’d be in my mom’s apartment near to tears thinking about a night that was supposed to be memorable, but I chose to make it a disaster.

Oooh! I forgot to talk about the after prom. Yes, I went to the after prom. Why? To said that I went, and that’s the truth. I went to the after prom which was at Frankie’s Fun Park. Again, I really have no memories of what happened at the after prom. Why? Cause I didn’t make the most of it. I let my hatred of school motivate me not to have a good time. Again not thinking that 7 years later, I regret it. Ask some of my classmates? They probably have fun memories. Great memories. Me? I was just there.

People say that they can say that they have no regrets. I’m not at that point yet. I will be, but that point is not now. In my last podcast, I made a declaration that I’m going to stop trying to please people. So I’m on my way to having no regrets. I’m not there yet….definitely not there yet.

Hope y’all enjoyed this read of my memories, or lack thereof. Do you remember your prom night? Was it magical? Did you have fun? My advice for this blog is basically, make the most of life. You never know what memories could’ve been if you don’t make them. If you don’t make the most of life, you’ll regret it and it will affect you. Believe me. I know for myself. I’m friends on FaceBook with my fellow classmates of 2005 people and I have no connection with them at all. Why? Cause I made it that way. It’s that simple. In 3 years, it will be 10 years since I graduated from High School. I plan to make the most of that night. So I won’t have any more regrets.

Stay Saved,

Daniel Richerson aka Big Dusty