MY 2022 YEAR END REVIEW....

It's the end of the year. 2022 as a whole has been a memorable year. Definitely a year I won't forget.

2022 started out for me with getting the virus so I was out of work even longer than the winter break. Dad was back and forth to the hospital, and was getting calls on what to do, which I was not comfortable or ready for. Then got booked for a flight to go to Kentucky to visit Dad. I think I've started this before but I wanted to make him laugh at least one more time. Plane landed, my cousin told me he passed on. Had no reaction.

Fast forward, I'm back home from Kentucky and went back to work having emotional breakdown after breakdown. Come to find out the students really cared about me...more on that later, but the break downs kept happening. After the whole thing with my Dad, I had a hard time dealing with it. Thoughts of jumping off the building, holding two fingers to my head like a gun...I was not in a good state of mind, even through the laughing and joking with my co workers and students. 

During all that, one day through the help of my pastor my therapy journey started. I had no idea that there was even a mental health center locally where I was. I ended up getting diagnosed with depression, PTSD, and grief. All which I knew I was dealing with, but never diagnosed by a professional. Got put on my first antidepressant. All my lift I thought being on antidepressants was a bad thing, but that along with therapy, has been a great help. The thoughts didn't cease completely, but they slowed down a lot. 

Fast forward again, I begin having breathing problems. I begin struggling to walk certain distances. From my car to getting to the door at my job was a struggle. I stopped taking my blood pressure and other meds because I felt good, at least good enough to stop taking the medicine. Boy was I wrong. One Sunday, first Sunday in October, I was at church setting up everything up and I couldn't breathe. I called my mom who was on her way to church and told her that I couldn't breathe. She told me to call 911. I did. Ended up sitting on the porch with a bottle of water. This was a nightmare come to life. In my mind, this was finally it. I got on the ambulance with an oxygen mask on, but I couldn't get comfortable. Next thing I know, it was Monday night, I was in ICU, and I was strapped to a bed. I looked to my right, and I saw my mom and Pastor talking. Ended up spending the rest of the week in the hospital. Remember when I said about the students. One of my co workers told my little sister who was with me at the hospital, that he had a card for me. Little did I know this card, was actually a huge poster with a bunch of signatures that I later found out was curated by the students. I work at a college. I had no idea that they cared that much. You just never know the impact you have.

Went back to work and it was all sunshine and rainbows! Just kidding. The breakdowns kept happening, but this time though, my coworkers would tell me to go outside to get some air and then come back. I've been sticking to my medicine regime. I'm now on two antidepressants. Therapy is still going. When people ask me if there's anything I need just ask. Sad thing about that is that I never know what or how to say what I may need....

So that's how my 2022 went. Song writer said, "So if you see me cry, it's just a sign that I'm still alive. May have some scars, but I'm still alive. In spite of calamity, He still has a plan for me, and it's working for my good. It's building my testimony." See you next year. Peace, Love, and

Stay Saved,

Daniel Richerson

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DO YOU REALLY LOVE ME? DON'T YOU REALLY CARE? YES YOU DO

 On May 23, 2020, one day after my 33rd birthday, I poised the question that I got from the song Candy Girl by New Edition, "Do you really love me? Don't you really care?" I asked that question due to the number of suicides that were happening to during the beginning of the pandemic and some of the silent responses to them. I then would use those set of questions regarding myself. This was before I started therapy, I was such a state of loneliness that I questioned if anybody really--

This last couple of weeks have really opened my eyes. I had two previous stints in the hospital prior to this for the same thing, but this stint showed me that people care. People showed they cared the previous stints don't get me wrong, but this previous stint was a real eye opener. An eye opener that Daniel was cared about the whole time.

Even with all that going on, I still have my good days and bad days. I know my process to being whole is not moving as quick as some would like, but all I can say is I'm sorry to disappoint. As some of you know, I see a therapist about two times a month. I'm still on antidepressants. Two now. I'm taking them as prescribed like my blood pressure and heart medicines. Just a quick note, yes I'm still talking mental health because like it or not it's part of my story, and more than likely will always be. I don't agree that me talking about it is glorifying it. Like Ice Cube said in the movie Straight Outta Compton in response to a complaint about the album is glorifying gangs and drugs, "Our art is a reflection of our reality." My blogs are a reflection of what I go through and live with. My goal with these blogs, especially within the last couple of years, is not so that people will be sorry for me, but if one person that may be dealing with similar issues will think, there's someone else that's going through something similar. Let me see how this guy is dealing with his mental issues.

To many times people going through mentally have to be silent because of misunderstandings and misconceptions of what we deal with on a daily. To the unknown, it makes us sound lazy. Granted, some do take the word "anxiety" and run with it and use it as an excuse to not do certain things. Speaking for myself, I've found a circle that seems to really love me and care, and as cliché as it sounds, if it can happen for me, it can happen for you. 

Yes, Daniel knows that he's loved. He's knows that, and I do. I've always knew that, it was the believing it that I had an issue with. Also, the fact that I drive home from church and work alone and end up home alone. That's the part that gets---you know?

The amount of love that I have received had been overwhelming. Like the writer said, "It's really no goodness of my own, but it's by the grace of God that I've been kept all this time and I still have the mind to go on." Some days it's a battle to want to continue to go on to keep it a buck. I still have some PTSD of being in the ambulance one minute to waking up two days later strapped in a hospital bed. Yet, I'm here typing this up tonight. Breathing normally. Blood pressure is good. Weight is steady. So it's not all bad.

That's all I got for this post. I hope that if you read this for you'll be willing to leave a comment with your thoughts. I hope that I didn't say anything to offend anybody. That was not my intention. Peace, love, and...

Stay Saved,

Daniel Richerson
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JUST SAYING THANK YOU

How do I start? First I got to say thank you. Thank you God. Thanks to all for the thoughts and prayers. Got to publicly thank my Mom and little sister for going above and beyond. Thanks to all that have helped and offered help. Thank you Lander University. I'm forever grateful for the outpour of love from everybody.

Ok, this may be the part where I lose some of you. Those that's been following the blogs, know that I can go from A to E skipping all the letters in between. Here it goes, I mentioned having a little anxiety, and got a reaction to it. (Blank Look At the Camera) Let me explain. "Daniel make sure you do this, Daniel make sure you do this. Daniel have you done this. Daniel have you done this. Daniel make sure you take your medicine. Daniel...Daniel...Daniel...DANIEL!!" I had to keep telling myself you can do this. You can stick to the plan this time, even though you have fallen off. I had to tell myself that I'm not stupid. I had to tell myself to breathe and just follow the plan. I had to tell myself that I know I don't want to go through this again. I know what I went through. The scary part was living alone. The scary part is that the high anxiety, PTSD, and grief is still there and I got all that. The scary part is that I still got therapy appointments. I post about my therapy appointments because I thought that people cared about mental health. Sometimes it feels like when America "came together" after 9/11, when in reality, that "come together" barely lasted a week.

Not saying people don't care it's just I tend to overthink things. Like when I was in the hospital for this and hopefully last go around I was told that I was going to get an ultrasound. I was moved from the hospital bed I was on and got moved to a transport bed. Stayed there for about an hour. I've openly talked about my trust issues, and this is very apparent with hospitals. So I was staying there, these words came out my mouth, "It's almost like they don't even want me to leave." That was a real thought I had at the time because flashbacks came from 2013 when I was in the hospital and I had just got discharged, and was left sitting in a wheel chair for what felt like forever waiting for somebody from transport to transfer me out, I was left feeling unwanted. I had tears in my eyes. Mom ended up coming up to get me and wheel me out. This was at the same hospital. Now at that time I didn't have any therapy, I definitely needed it. I wasn't on any antidepressants. I wasn't working. Fast forward, 9 years later, I'm working. I'm seeking therapy. I'm on antidepressants.

Even before the scare at the hospital, this verse has been ringing in my soul.. Galatians 6:9 in the KJV, "And let us not be weary in well doing: for in due season we shall reap, if we faint not." Cause I was at my job working hard. I was in church working hard. I was working myself into a downward spiral. My therapist has been telling me that I have to make decisions that are best for me, but my bank account was letting me know, "(Dude) you better get that money." Then I kept hearing Anthony Williams formally known as Tonex's song called God Has Not 4Got, and in this song, he adlibbed, "Be not weary in well doing..." I thought I was catching a stride. Before I went to the hospital, I had a Dr's appointment set up to get caught up on my medicine, and then next thing I know I'm on the Ambulance, by the way shout outs to the EMTs.

So yeah with all that happening, I have no idea why I had to remind myself...

I ask before you comment on this blog that you've read the whole thing. This is something that I had to get out my brain. Again I thank all of you for the calls, prayers, texts, and so forth. Special shout out to my Mom and little sister once again. Special shout out to all the Pastors. Shout outs to Lander University. I hope I didn't say anything that was considered a shot or anything. That was not my intention. Continue to pray for me as I start this journey again. Mental Health matters. Peace and love and--

Stay Saved,

Daniel Richerson 

DAY BY DAY

"One day at a time, sweet Jesus
That's all I'm asking of You
Lord give me the strength to do everyday
What I have to do
Yesterday is gone, sweet Jesus
Tomorrow may never be mine
So Lord for my sake 

Help me to take
One day at a time" ~ as sung by Mother Emily Bibby

It's been two weeks. It still doesn't seem real. I'm back at work because apparently that's supposed to help, and don't get me wrong, it is helping. When I walked back into work, they seemed really happy that I was back. When I was back at my station, the students were happy to see me back, and I was also happy to see them? Trying to put on a happy face to serve sandwiches and wraps, while trying to deal with the numbness of losing a parent, is not easy. So when I'm asked how I'm doing, I don't know. I tell people I'm taking it day by day. 

"Why doesn't Daniel call?" Because I don't know what to say. Even while writing this I'm struggling to find the words to say or the right way to put the words together that are in my head. What do you want to hear from me anyway? That I'm drained? That I'm ashamed that I wasn't further in life when this happened? That I never gave my dad a daughter in law while he was with us? That I feel more lonely that I've ever had before? That's not easy to just come out and say over the phone. Yeah I'm going to work, la di da, oh the money, but when I come home--

At the funeral, I was doing ok. I saw him in the casket. I was trying to get my tribute on the TV they had at the funeral home but I never got it to work. Just ended up playing it from my laptop. Seeing people gathered around the laptop to watch it was a sight to see. I was spending time with my great nephew. It wasn't until right before the service started, I broke. My sister was there to help me cry through it. My mom was behind us both praying. I was sitting with my brother and sister. I can't remember how long it has been since I sat with my brother and sister in a service.

I'm tired. For those that have been reading, I've been very open about my mental health the past couple of years. Dad was a supporter of the blogs. It's funny when I was heading to KY I was hoping to make him laugh again, only to find out he was gone before I even landed. I didn't say anything at the funeral. I wasn't able to. If I could hear him say, "Hey mister..." again--

I'm done.

~Daniel Richerson

HOW'S MY MENTAL YOU ASK?

How's my mental? Like usual it's a day to day. Some days are better than others. I found myself feeling more lonely at times than I have. Lonely in the sense that I'm literally by myself when I'm not at work or church. I'm know being introverted comes being alone at times, but there are times, I do miss being able to laugh with other people. On the Wednesday before Thanksgiving, I found out an old friend from high school passed away, and it really messed me up. It's like that line from the old movie Pollyanna where the preacher said over the pulpit, "Death comes unexpectedly." One of my oldest friends in life, lost both his parents, both of whom I was close with as well. Song writer said, "For you and me this life is not promised. Tomorrow may never show up." 

Anthony Clark Williams wrote a popular song that says, "God has not forgot." Tasha Cobbs said it like this, "You (God) still love me, in spite of me." There's a phrase that says, "God works in mysterious ways." I don't know if "mysterious" is the right word. I believe He knows what we need at the right time. Like as I'm typing this, I shared this post on my Facebook:

"I suffer from PTSD, Anxiety, and Depression and it's not a good place to be. Sometimes people don't believe me when I tell them. I struggle; It can be hard to live with me & to be around me when I get like this and I know it. I try my best to control it. I manage to get strong but sometimes I break. So if you see me very quiet, I'm not being rude, I'm not mad at you, you're not bothering me, I may just need a minute to myself.

It's okay to not be okay, tell someone you're not okay. (It's okay).

Hopefully, some friends will put this on their wall. You just have to copy..

Thank you

In Support Of Mental Health Awareness

The struggle is real……"

 I must say that I didn't write this. It was one of those copy and paste posts that I copied from someone else in support of mental health. The amount of love that post got was overwhelming. I put up that post before I went to work. I went into work, walking with my head up hoping for a good day. Day was going good. I was laughing with coworkers and making orders for the students. Until--I can't speak for anybody else, but speaking for me, it doesn't take much to trigger something dark for me. Somebody asked for a dessert, as I was putting the dessert on a plate, the dessert fell apart. They wanted another one, so I prepared to put the dessert on the same plate that the other fell apart. They didn't like that. Made it known. I put the dessert on a new plate. That was it. Seems pretty stupid huh? All of the sudden, tears are falling from my face for what felt like hours. Ironically, Joy To The World was playing in my head. I was told that my confidence needs to get stronger, and I do agree with that. However, when I'm open about my mental health, it seems to open a door for heavy emotions. So I don't really know what happened. All I know as I was trying to stop the tears from falling down my face, in my head, all I heard was My Testimony by Marvin Sapp. 

"So glad I made it, I made it through in spite of the storm and rain

Heartache and pain, still alive, declaring I made it through...I'm so glad I made it, so glad I made it

I made it through, I made it through"

Then part of Nobody Cared by Canton Jones.

"On outside of laughing and on the inside of crying

It seem so hard to go on

I can't see how you'll forgive me

Then I feel your presence and you essence

Then you say, hey it's gonna be ok"

So during some down time I was checking my phone and I got encouraged by the reaction and comments to the FB post. The comments were really encouraging, and really helped lift my spirits. I was praying as the tears was falling, "I just want to know that I'm loved." Seeing those reactions was just what I needed. To all who reacted and left a commented, if you're reading this, I hope you now know how much it all meant to me. I really appreciated. As the old saints say, "If you don't love me, keep fooling me." 

Of course this was not the road I wanted this particular blog to go, but hey, what are you going to do? I want to take this time to thanks my family, my pastor and wife, and all others who have helped me, and pray for me as I open up about my mental health. I also want to take this time to thank the students at Lander who help make my day go smoother. One Lander student in particular who is nicer to me than I believe I deserve. I don't even know if you'll ever read this, but if you do, just know I appreciate it. We'll do brunch one day, I don't know.

That's all I got for this one. Again, it went a completely different path than the subject I had planned. What was the subject I had planned? Well since you asked, it was about the fact that at my job, I can't pick and choose who to serve food to. My job is to provide the food not see what they got on or see what sin they committed first before I provide the service they came for. That was the topic, but of course, it didn't go that way. I may still talk about that in a later post, but then again, knowing the way my mind works---anyway, thanks for reading. If you feel led, please share this post. I share what I go through hoping that it will show others that they are not the only ones that feel a certain way. My goal if I can just reach one person, I feel like I've done my job.

Stay Saved and keep going, 

Daniel Richerson
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