20 YEARS?!?!

For Drew, Tiffany, Brooks, and Kevin.

So it's been 20 years since I graduated high school. We recently had our high school reunion, and to be honest I wasn't going to go at first. I wasn't going to go because for one I was scared. I didn't want to discuss how I'm currently doing. Since my job requires me to talk to college kids, I didn't want to have the conversation, "Oh I go back and forth with teenagers. Just living the dream!" My anxiety was speaking loudly.

 I've never been good at mingling with people. I'm currently working on how I talk about myself or speak about myself, but if I can be honest, I still have that low self-esteem that I've always had growing up. Discussing how I'm doing is still not easy, but with therapy I feel like I'm getting better.  That feeling of expecting the worse was heavy as well. As well as that feeling of comparison. Bottom line, like I've stated in previous blogs, I can type stuff out better than I can speak it. 

Getting to the reunion was a trip in itself. Unknowingly I put in the wrong address on Google maps, so when I got to where I thought was the destination I was confused because there was no where to park. At first in my mind I thought this was a sign to turn around and go home. Again my anxiety was telling me this was a bad idea even going to this thing, but I digress. So I found a parking lot and put in the right address. Even while I was parking in the correct parking lot I was telling myself, "Well you already paid for your ticket might as well..."

I was told by one of my therapists to try and have fun. My mom told me not to overthink things. I went in the place and found my old high school picture, and first thought was I remember that guy. They spelt my last name wrong because of course they did. Anyway, a couple of young ladies I knew of in high school, asked me to take a picture at this photo booth gimmick they had set up. I didn't want to take any pictures but I didn't want to be the typical asocial person I've been since ever. Asocial meaning lacking motivation for social interaction, and of course I told my sister, I was dragged to take the picture, but moving on.

One of my other fears going into the reunion was crying. I didn't want to cry, and by the grace of God I didn't. One person I feel tried his best to get me. We started talking about whatever we were talking about and he brought up how my smile always made his day better. Oddly enough, I don't remember smiling much in high school. Anyway, this guy said I should do, "A Day In the Life of Daniel" TikTok.  I vowed to myself to never ever get on or create a TikTok, but according to some people I should get one. Even my sister said, "I got the personality for it." I don't know, maybe---

While walking around I noticed that there was a tribute to those that were no longer here. That almost got me because I could've been up there. With my congestive heart failure, with my kidney issues, depression, anxiety, panic attacks, and even thoughts of suicide...so yeah, my heart sank a little bit when I saw that tribute. 

The rest of the reunion went fairly well I think. The question comes did I see any of my old friends or reconnect. Here's the thing about some of the people I hung out with in high school, some of them where a couple of years younger, and even the ones that were in the class of 2005 with me....we were kind of a weird group anyway. I mean of course I would've loved to see some of the old crew, but it just wasn't meant to be. 

So that was my 20 year high school reunion. The past 20 years hasn't been the kindest to me, but I'm still here. If you're reading this, and you were at the reunion, thank you for being nice to me. Yes I had a great time. On to the next one I guess. If you're read this far, I thank you. Please share and repost this so others can read. Please read and share my old blogs if you so choose.

Stay Saved,

Daniel Richerson

MY 2022 YEAR END REVIEW....

It's the end of the year. 2022 as a whole has been a memorable year. Definitely a year I won't forget.

2022 started out for me with getting the virus so I was out of work even longer than the winter break. Dad was back and forth to the hospital, and was getting calls on what to do, which I was not comfortable or ready for. Then got booked for a flight to go to Kentucky to visit Dad. I think I've started this before but I wanted to make him laugh at least one more time. Plane landed, my cousin told me he passed on. Had no reaction.

Fast forward, I'm back home from Kentucky and went back to work having emotional breakdown after breakdown. Come to find out the students really cared about me...more on that later, but the break downs kept happening. After the whole thing with my Dad, I had a hard time dealing with it. Thoughts of jumping off the building, holding two fingers to my head like a gun...I was not in a good state of mind, even through the laughing and joking with my co workers and students. 

During all that, one day through the help of my pastor my therapy journey started. I had no idea that there was even a mental health center locally where I was. I ended up getting diagnosed with depression, PTSD, and grief. All which I knew I was dealing with, but never diagnosed by a professional. Got put on my first antidepressant. All my lift I thought being on antidepressants was a bad thing, but that along with therapy, has been a great help. The thoughts didn't cease completely, but they slowed down a lot. 

Fast forward again, I begin having breathing problems. I begin struggling to walk certain distances. From my car to getting to the door at my job was a struggle. I stopped taking my blood pressure and other meds because I felt good, at least good enough to stop taking the medicine. Boy was I wrong. One Sunday, first Sunday in October, I was at church setting up everything up and I couldn't breathe. I called my mom who was on her way to church and told her that I couldn't breathe. She told me to call 911. I did. Ended up sitting on the porch with a bottle of water. This was a nightmare come to life. In my mind, this was finally it. I got on the ambulance with an oxygen mask on, but I couldn't get comfortable. Next thing I know, it was Monday night, I was in ICU, and I was strapped to a bed. I looked to my right, and I saw my mom and Pastor talking. Ended up spending the rest of the week in the hospital. Remember when I said about the students. One of my co workers told my little sister who was with me at the hospital, that he had a card for me. Little did I know this card, was actually a huge poster with a bunch of signatures that I later found out was curated by the students. I work at a college. I had no idea that they cared that much. You just never know the impact you have.

Went back to work and it was all sunshine and rainbows! Just kidding. The breakdowns kept happening, but this time though, my coworkers would tell me to go outside to get some air and then come back. I've been sticking to my medicine regime. I'm now on two antidepressants. Therapy is still going. When people ask me if there's anything I need just ask. Sad thing about that is that I never know what or how to say what I may need....

So that's how my 2022 went. Song writer said, "So if you see me cry, it's just a sign that I'm still alive. May have some scars, but I'm still alive. In spite of calamity, He still has a plan for me, and it's working for my good. It's building my testimony." See you next year. Peace, Love, and

Stay Saved,

Daniel Richerson

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Unspoken

Back in September 2013, I was struggling to breathe at night. That was going on for months but I was against going to the hospital. The July before that I went back to California for the first time in over 20 years where I got asked if I remembered things from when I was 4 when I left. Not really. Anyway, I couldn't sleep at night. One night in September I couldn't take anymore, I told my little sister, who had told me to let her know if I needed to go to the hospital. I let her know. I couldn't lay down flat on the bed. I felt like I messed everything up. I felt guilty. I felt I let everyone down. So I ended up going to the ER. Turns out I had a lot of built up fluid, and my blood pressure was stroke level high. In my mind this was punishment for all the crap I put my little sister and my parents through over the years. I can remember they wanting to do an MRI but I couldn't lay down flat and breathe properly. I ended up spending a few  days in the hospital. I remember one day I was eating lunch and this doctor came in and told me that I wouldn't make it to 30. Side note, I'll be 34 this coming May. And they had a nutritionist come in and told me about this low sodium diet. I was told to find a doctor. They put me on medicine to take. One main thing that sticks out is the day I got out, they put me in the wheel chair, and it felt like I waited forever for someone to get me. At that point, I felt alone. I went into a state of depression. My  Mom came to the room I was in, and she wheeled me out to the car so she could take me home.

You know that phrase, "If you don't learn from history, you're doomed to repeat it?" I barely looked for a doctor, so I stopped taking the medicine I was on. I broke the low sodium diet and basically did that I did before. All because I didn't care about my own well being. I had a few temp jobs but nothing that ever felt permanent. Christmas Day 2014, I was at my Aunt's house. Couldn't lay back down again. It wasn't as bad as it was the year prior, but I couldn't get comfortable. Again I felt like I let everyone down. I felt guilty. Like this was payback for something I did. I ended up going back the hospital, but this time it was a different hospital. Again the blood pressure was stroke level high. Spent a few days in the hospital again. Highlight of this trip was a cousin coming to my room to visit. I didn't expect it. Again a doctor came in the room and told me that I wasn't going to make it to 32. (Reminder 34 in May) This time around I got a doctor. When I got let out this time around the staff at this hospital was quicker and getting me out the room. 

March 27, 2020, I was driving home after dropping a dude off at work. I failed to yield to traffic, made a left turn, and got hit by a truck. The car didn't make it, but I did. I got a ticket for failing to yield. I had no damage to me. So, Daniel messed up again. At that same time, my Mom was in the hospital because of Covid. (She's healed and doing well now) So I just hit by a truck. I survived with no injury, while at the same time worried about my mom. This was right before everybody started wearing masks. So I was trying to keep from crying on the side of the road. Trying not to break on the side of road. My Pastor ended up picking me up and taking me home.

Later in 2020 spent some time in Iowa, I got real sick. Again, couldn't sleep. I was struggling to breathe with the mask on. First thought in my mind, I got it. It finally got me. The "It" of course being covid. When we got back to South Carolina, I went to my doctor's office, and got tested for Covid which was the highlight of my day at that point. Nothing like haven't a long q tip stuck up on your nose. I got a refill of all the medicines I stopped taken. I immediately started back taken them. The doctor that treated me was sure that I had Covid. Spoiler alert, test came back negative.

Here in 2021 I'm sticking to my medication, I do cardiac rehab twice a week. I'm not crossing every "t" or dotting every "i". I say again, I'm not where I want to be but Thank God--

That's all I got for this one. My goal is not to come off as a know it all. I try not to come off as I know everything. I'm just a 33 year old guy with anxiety and mental issues, speaking from his heart. I want to take this time to thank all of you for the support and encouragement. I really appreciate it. If you want to share this you can share it.

Stay Saved,

Daniel Richerson

Do we remember how to love?

An artist put a song out about 6 years ago called, How To Love. A lot of stuff has been happening lately. Not just in the "secular" world, but also in the "Christian" community. Someone makes one statement going against what the majority agrees with, then automatically they're buried so deep almost never to rise again. And all that got me to thinking, aren't we supposed to love each other? I guess nothing says I love you like I'm going to bury you alive because I disagree with your opinion. I always go back to this verse. I think I first heard it from Donnie McClurkin one time, I'm not sure, but as soon as I heard it, it stuck with me.

Jeremiah 31:3 "The Lord hath appeared of old unto me, saying, Yea, I have loved thee with an everlasting love: therefore with lovingkindness have I drawn thee."

An old hymn says, "Thy lovingkindness is better than life. My lips shall praise thee, thus will I bless thee. I will lift up my hands onto thy name." 

The Lord draws us with love, but besides drawing other people with love, we bury them because they're not like us. Dare I say, some of us hate Trump for doing publicly what we do privately. I believe that is called hypocritical. 

My mom recently preached a sermon talking about the church needing a heart transplant. She said some of us have spiritual congestive heart failure. She also said, you can't love God and you don't love people. Citing this verse as a reference, "If a man say, I love God, and hateth his brother, he is a liar: for he that loveth not his brother whom he hath seen, how can he love God whom he hath not seen?" (1 John 4:20)

Needless to say we have a lot of liars walking around here. Not just in the church either. Some of these entertainers as well. Say they love God but hate anybody that disagrees with their logic. Amazing how some people in the church love to drag these entertainers for doing that, while at the same time they do the same thing. Can't have it both ways. Don't get me wrong, the truth is the truth, no matter who's mouth it comes out of, but as my dad always told me, "Don't throw rocks from a glass house." Better yet the Bible said it like this, "So when they continued asking him, he lifted up himself, and said unto them, He that is without sin among you, let him first cast a stone at her." (John 8:7)

The truth can hurt. Usually when you're in the wrong, the truth does hurt. I believe that in order to be the church God is calling for in these days, love has to be restored back in our hearts.

"A good man out of the good treasure of his heart bringeth forth that which is good; and an evil man out of the evil treasure of his heart bringeth forth that which is evil: for of the abundance of the heart his mouth speaketh." Luke 6:45

If love is truly in the heart, then that's what's going to come out. Jesus is love, right? So if Jesus is love, and Jesus has your heart, then why are we hating and burying people? What is really the problem?

I hope you got something out of that. I hope it blessed you. I went into this blog thinking it might be my last one. Due to lack of feedback I get on them, I figured what's the use of continuing them? I don't know what's going to happen moving forward. I'll just ask God for guidance on what I should do.

Stay Saved,

Daniel Richerson

YOU'RE LIVING FOR A REASON

In my opinion, one of the best movies of 2015 was Straight Outta Compton. I was a fan of the movie even before it was filmed. I'm a huge fan of good biopics and documentaries. If you're into good biopics, I suggest Straight Outta Compton. It's not the cleanest movie in the world, but when the movie is about a group called N.W.A., Niggaz Wit Attitudes, you can't expect a G rated picture.

Anyway, I bring up this movie because at the end, Eazy E, spoilers, ends up in the hospital. I've watched this movie a lot and that scene has never got to me, but for some reason it got to me the last time I watched it. I started thinking about the two stints I spent in the hospital. Now, I'm not comparing my stint to Eazy's because he was dealing with HIV, and I was dealing with Congestive Heart Failure. But in the movie, Eazy had visitors coming in crying to see him in his condition. Immediately, I was taken back to my sister's face when I was in ER. She was crying. I felt myself getting emotional while at the same time thinking, "I've watched this movie all these times, and it's just now getting to me? Why now?" 

When the tears started to flow was when they showed Eazy in an AIDS-induced coma, again spoilers, and was only breathing because of a breathing machine. Again I was taking back to my stint in the hospital. I wasn't on a breathing machine, but I had an oxygen gimmick up my nose, and I got the best sleep I had gotten in months before that. That was it. I usually try to fight the tears before they fall, but I just let them fall. I usually don't cry at movies or TV Shows. I really don't. But for some reason, that darn Straight Outta Compton--

Both instances of the hospital could have been the end for me, and yet here I am typing this blog. Takes me back to when my Pastor's wife at the time passed away. When I went to the home going, I was not too long out the hospital, and sitting there messed me up because I realized that it easily could've been my home going as well. That was exact same emotion I felt watching that scene in Straight Outta Compton. It reminded me not to take this life for granted. Which I admit I have been. I take it for granted sometimes that I'm breathing. I take it for granted that I can now lay flat on my back at night without feeling like I'm drowning. I take it for granted that I actually get sleep at night now. 

God has been too good for you to just live and do anything you want. He gave you this life for a reason. You're breathing for a reason. You're living for a reason. This verse gets thrown around and gets used as a cliche now. But this verse took on a new meaning for me. Psalm 150:6, "Let every thing that hath breath praise the LORD. Praise ye the LORD"

Stay Saved,

Daniel Richerson