During one of my counseling sessions, I was asked the question, "What is your reason for living?" I didn't have an instant answer for that question. You would think that a question like that would be easy to answer, right? One would think that's a weird question to ask someone. If you've been open about suicidal thoughts, it's not that weird of a question. Why do I keep going?
Recently my family suffered a lost and I made a trip down state. Which had my anxiety at a high. I really don't like driving long distances, and the last time I went to make a drive that was at least an hour, I got arrested for reckless driving. Those charges got expunged and dismissed, but that's for a different blog. So with all that in mind, I made the trip and got to my Grandma's house safe with the thought that I was going home right after the memorial service. I didn't bring any medicine or extra clothes because again, I was in the mindset that I was going back home to isolation. After the repass, I ended up staying the night after it was decided that I would.
All that to say I almost went home to isolation, rather than spend more time with family. What is that? Did it feel good being around others and around family? Yes it did. I guess I got used to being alone that it feels weird that people actually want to spend time with me. I don't like being a bother to anyone. I never want to overstay my welcome which is why I'm always ready to go home.
I'm reminded of the old hymn "Because He Lives." The chorus goes like, "Because He lives, I can face tomorrow. Because he lives all fear is gone. Because I know He holds the future, and life is worth the living just because He lives." The Bible mentions fear not or do not be afraid hundreds of times. It is written in Philippians 4:6-7 "Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus."
Does that mean anxiety isn't there? So why am I so anxious all the time? Why am I suffering like this day after day? What is my reason for living? Seems like every other article I see online people are dying. Celebrities and regular people a like. What is my reason for living? My main reason for living, is my mom. My family. I don't want to disappoint them. I don't want to let anybody down.
I have my issues. I'm in therapy. I take medicine. I'm still here that's all I can say.
Sorry that it took so long for another post. If this is your first blog post you've read of mine or if you're a long time reader, I appreciate you for stopping by.
Stay saved.
~Daniel Richerson
For Maurice Patterson. Miss you cuz.
