I'M IN THERAPY (mental health update)

I've been trying to find the words to say. I've stated before sometimes finding the words to put together that make sense to the people reading this is not the easiest thing in the world. I'm very easily distracted, go figure. I've been very open about the mental issues I've been dealing with for most of my life, but the past couple of years I've been very transparent about it. Not that I would suggest being open publicly like I am, but I do suggest finding a way to get those crazy thoughts out of your head. I made a couple of posts about the cries of the silent. Well around last month I went to a local Mental Health Center. I'm now in therapy, and I'm also on medication. 

I want to thank everyone that has been supportive on this journey. I want to thank all of those for the prayers and positive thoughts during this whole ordeal. I've needed help for a long time, but if you want it, there's help out there. Getting help doesn't make you less than a man. It's crazy that if you are a male and you openly admit to not being ok, you automatically get labeled as "feminine." So that male pride takes over, and the inner issues never really get dealt with in a healthy way. So then the cries become silent. Silent because they're not allowed to cry out loud without being ridiculed.

"Why are you so angry?"

"You're sensitive."

"Why are you like this?"

The same people that will tell you to "man up" will question why are you "acting out." We wonder why the younger generation is so confused. I'm fortunate enough that people around me not only understand or starting to understand my anxiety, but pushed me in the right direction to get the help that I need. Through my bleeding and crying through my blogs, and other posts, I'm now getting the help that I need. Am I going to be whole over night? No. Just recently I had an anxiety attack. I can't speak for other people but having an anxiety attack sucks to begin with, but having one with people around sucks more and it can be embarrassing. Especially when some of the people don't understand what's going on. That's the scary part actually you start to think what if...but again fortunately for me the panic attacks I've had this year, people have been around me that understood. I'm not saying they understand completely, but they understood enough. 

It's ok to not be ok, but don't stay not ok. Continue to cry. Continue to bleed. Someone is listening. God is listening. He'll send someone by that will lead you to the help you need. Silent cries are still cries. Continue to cry out. Don't give up. I'm not telling anybody to "Get over it" because I overstand that PTSD is real, it's one of the things I deal with, so I would never tell someone to "get over it" because personally, I feel that's disrespectful, and you don't really know what someone has dealt with and are dealing with along with grief, anxiety, and depression.

This is for the those who feel that no one understands. This is for those that feel alone. This is for those who feel that they're the black sheep of the family. This is for those crying out but feel that no one hears them. 

I'm done. Took me a minute to gather my thoughts together to get something out. I hope there was something said that was good for you. I hope something was said that helped you understand what I deal with. My goal is always, if I reach just one person, I feel that I did my part. I'm just trying to erase the stigma of mental illness. We lost too many people already.

Stay saved,

Daniel Richerson

WHEN THE CRY FOR HELP IS SILENT (part 2)

 May is mental health awareness month. I've steered clear of typing blogs regarding mental health lately, because of the narrative I've seen about it lately. I've read claims that those who post about their mental health is just looking for a spotlight. Claiming they're just looking to be seen. Seeing that kind of narrative has  made me slow down with the mental health updates regarding my own, and I wasn't going to post any more about it, until--

Arlana Smith. Unfortunately her cries were not heard. In her own words, she hadn't been ok in a while even though people may have thought she was. She felt she failed at vocalizing that she needed help and that it was too late. She felt this was the only way she could have peace. How many people have we lost that have not been posted on social media? How many more do we have to lose? How many more people suffering are going to be ignored?

Again the question comes, "Why didn't they say anything?" Maybe they are. Maybe you chose to ignore the signs. We'll never know because unfortunately they felt ignored. People don't see the cries in the car before walking into work. They don't see the cries in the car before pulling up to church, then wiping your face to put on the church face. They don't see you trying to pray but it gets too overwhelming to continue so you just try to go to sleep. People don't know what they don't see so they judge what they by what they think instead of asking you, "You good?" Believe it or not, some people can actually tell if you're genuinely asking or just asking. 

As I'm typing this, I'm a little over 2 weeks away from being 35, and I've never cared less about a birthday in my life. First birthday without my Dad. Dad would usually send me a $25 gift card. Wasn't much I know, but it was something. Since January 15th, my emotions have been all over the place. I now understand more what the writer said, "It's really no goodness of my own, but it's by the grace of God that I've been kept all this time and I still have the mind to go on."

I guess this is a good spot for a mental health update, I'm sure the people that don't care or think I'm looking to be seen have hopefully clicked off by now. Really it depends on the day. Some days, I'm good. Some days, I'm holding the invisible gun to my head. Some days, I feel like I'm working hard for nothing. Especially times when I'm working and others aren't and still sustaining. Like what am I doing wrong? Why would anyone fake that? I get tired. I get lonely. When things seem to be going right, that's when the yeah but comes. Yeah but you're almost 35 and still single. Yeah, but you're almost 35 and still leaving at home. Yeah, but you caused this and that. 

I cry in silent. At times when I cry in public, I get looks. The young lady I mentioned earlier, she wrote many suicide notes before she finally gave in. Not every cry will be heard. Not every last note will be heard. She mentioned in her last post on IG, to make sure you check on your strong friends. It's mental health awareness month. Are we aware yet or are we still ignoring the cries of the silent? 

~Daniel Richerson