THIS BLOG TOOK A TURN

This was originally going to be another blog about my depression and suicidal thoughts. Then I realize that I couldn't do that. I didn't want to continue to live in misery. We all got issues. We all have bruises. I just thought it wasn't a crime to say "Ow" sometimes. March 23rd I wrote a post I titled, "Unspoken", and I was very open about mental issues and anxiety. I would say that I had them. My little sister left me a comment that said, "you’re working through anxiety and mental health issues, sibling. It does not have you nor do you have it!!" And I thought she was crazy. Like I'm living with this. I know what goes on through my head on a daily, how you going to say I don't have anxiety, and mental issues? 

I believe she was trying to tell me that I have to be careful what I speak over myself. The Bible says in Proverbs 23:7a "For as he thinketh in his heart, so is he..." The last clause of Luke 6:45 "...for of the abundance of the heart his mouth speaketh." The song writer said, "Sometimes you have to encourage yourself." It's nice to get encouragement from love ones. I believe we all like a little encouragement every once in a while, but when you feel like you're not getting any encouragement, why not encourage yourself? You may not see what you're speaking, but as my old Pastor once said, "Faith is daring the soul to go beyond what the eye can see." Song writer said, "I may not see it, but I hear it." Somebody else says, "You got to see it before you see it if you're ever going to see it" Let's go Bible. Hebrews 11:1 "Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen." Proverbs 18:21 in the Good News Bible, "What you say can preserve life or destroy it; so you must accept the consequences of your words."

Now the question comes how can you truly encourage yourself if you don't like yourself? I would say that's a legit question. I'm still growing in that department of liking Daniel. Find a reason to smile. Find that reason to laugh and smile. Some would say as a Christian, you don't do what necessarily feels good to you all the time, which is true, but you can find a reason to laugh. Don't let depression kick your butt. Turn the news off. If you can't turn social media off, you can at least hide the posts you don't want to see or unfollow. Radio personality Charlamagne tha god often says, "Protect your mental health." By any means necessary. Instead of watching the news, watch a good movie. Listen to your favorite song. Distance yourself from people that mean you no good even if that includes family or the people you may go to church with.

I've been told for years that I got to start looking at myself through God's eyes. What does God say about you? Forget what other people say about you. Jeremiah 29:11 in the Amplified Bible, "For I know the plans and thoughts that I have for you, says the Lord, plans for peace and well-being and not for disaster to give you a future and a hope." Another verse comes to mind Philippians 2:5, "Let this mind be in you, which was also in Christ Jesus." Song writer said, "His report says I am healed/ His report says I am filled/ His report says I am free/ His report says victory." Take notice what report didn't say. Nothing about anxiety, depression, etc. Not saying those feelings won't come, but don't give in. Keep walking. 

I want to take this time to thank my sister for checking on me just about everyday to make sure that I'm ok. I want to thank the people in some of the livestreams I go into, for making a person dealing with being alone among other things feel welcome. From the church streams to the gaming streams. Thank you. I want to thank all of you who has help me keep my head up and in the game. I know I don't communicate like I should, but thank you for loving me anyway. I want to thank all the people at the cardiac rehab center I go to for helping me get through my workouts. Thank you all for reminding me that I'm not walking alone.

I hope something was said that helped out. I hope if you feel led, you share this post all you can. Continue to pray for your boy.

Stay Saved,

Daniel Richerson

I'M NOT IN A HURRY TO GET BACK TO NORMAL

 Luke 18:11-14 KJV The Pharisee stood and prayed thus with himself, God, I thank thee, that I am not as other men are extortioners, unjust, adulterers, or even as this publican. I fast twice twice in the week, I give tithes of all that I possess. And the publican, standing afar off, would not lift up so much as his eyes unto heaven, but smote upon his breast, saying, God be merciful to me a sinner. I tell you this man went down to his house justified rather than the other; for every one that exalteth himself shall be abased; and he that humbleth himself shall be exalted.

I don't know why I say the things I say or do the things I do on social media. Sometimes I feel like I try to hard to be accepted by people that I take little things like no reactions personal. Needless to say I'm not in a hurry for things to return to normal. Can I be honest and say "normal" wasn't so great for some of us. What's going to happen after we go back to "normal." Are we with issues going to be cast to the side again? Are people different from us going to be condemned and kicked out the church again? Are we going to go back to the same old pre pandemic church? Are the going live prayers going to stop because things are normal? Are businesses that were started going to be done because things are back to normal? Are we going to continue to be focused on the "Old Time Way" and completely ignore the new wave? What are we in a hurry to get back to normal for?

Loneliness didn't start in March of 2020. Depression didn't start in March of 2020. Anxiety issues didn't start March of 2020. What is the normal we want to get back to? I'm not in a hurry to get back to normal. I was asked one time is there any one I talk to outside of church? Not counting social media or twitch, I don't talk to anybody. I go to live streams just to hear people say Hi Daniel or what's up Daniel and not feel pressure to put on an act. I can be Daniel Richerson with no pressure. I can count on one hand of the real people I feel that comfortable with in "real life." 

I'm reminded of a verse that was told to me during an altar call some time ago. Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the Lord, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end." That put a little ease on the on the constant scan my brain tends to be on all the time. You know how you're in the car and you're looking for a radio station to listen to? So you hit the scan button so it goes through random radio stations until you hear a song you like. That's why when people ask what's on my mind I can't answer. That's a loaded question. 

So the question comes why am I not in a hurry? Long answer short, fear of the the unknown. Fear of going back to saying "No more church as usual" with no action. I've grown numb to church clichés with no action. I heard for years that we got to get out the four walls. All the while staying comfortable in their spot on the pew their spot on the totem pole. Keep in mind these are the same people that would say, "Get out your comfort zone." 

My heart really does go out to those who are begging for someone to care about their depression. I remember in high school I would write down statements like, "I'm so sick of being lonely" thinking nobody would read them. One of my old classmates happened to see what I wrote and she encouraged me writing something to the effect of, "Jesus is with you you're not alone." I can't remember verbatim what she wrote, but I really was thinking that nobody would see what I wrote. I didn't think anybody would care. Let alone somebody at high school. The next day she brought me a cookie on a stick with a happy face on it. That was unexpected and something I'll never forget. I was looking for someone to care, and was not expecting it to be one of my classmates. Some of us dealing with depression are just looking for someone to say I care, not to use our situation in a sermon or judge us. We just want to someone to care. When someone is hungry you give them food, right? I mentioned in previous posts that some of us is just looking for an ear to talk to. 

When this pandemic is truly over, let's not just go back to the old time way cause we can, but take what we've learned and developed during the pandemic and apply it. It's a waste of time learning new plays just to go back to the old plays and lose the game. Growing up I would hear, "It's not in the crowd it's in the cloud." When the crowd comes back to the sanctuary lets not forget the cloud that's been with us during the pandemic. Let's also not forget those who dealt with depression, loneliness, and anxiety during the pandemic. Continue to check on those that say they're ok. Continue to do live prayer time if that's your ministry. It is said that if you don't learn from history you're doomed to repeat it. 

That's all I have for this piece. I want to thank God. I want to thank you all for the continued support. I want to thank those that share my posts. My hope is that if I can reach one who possibly may feel the same way I do and realize they're not the only one maybe we can get well together. Follow me on my socials if you want to. Feel free to share this post all around if you feel led. I don't mind.

Stay Saved,

Daniel Richerson

HOW AM I REALLY DOING? PART III

 2020 was a hard year for most of us. Especially those of us that has struggled with low self esteem and mental health, 2020 seemed to enhance it. I heard a preacher say just because we're in a new year that doesn't mean the season changed. As of typing, Covid-19 is still a problem. Racism is still a problem. I'm pretty sure a lot of us are going stir crazy. As an introvert myself, one would think I'd enjoy being home. Not entirely. I get annoyed with people, but that doesn't necessarily mean that I want to be alone all the time. That's one of the main reasons that I watch reaction videos and try not to laugh videos because it feels like, at least for a moment, I'm not alone.

I'm not a hugger. Never really was a big fan of them. I can remember as a kid that I would give people the shoulder besides going in for the whole hug. That caused quite the reaction from people, and of course I took it well. Just kidding. Anyway, I bring up hugs, because if I can be honest about it, I'm going to regret this, but I kind of miss getting hugged. I mean that genuine I care for you hug. Due to the pandemic, that's been outlawed.

Those that have been reading my posts, you know that most of 2020 I dealt with my own personal anxiety, depression, etc. Well recently I sat down with a couple of spiritual advisors to talk about it. I didn't think I was going to be able to do it because I'm used to keeping stuff in not letting stuff out which is where a lot of my anger comes from. I'd hold a lot of stuff in because I didn't think anybody wanted to listen. Matter of fact when I was a teenager I believe, I actually went to counseling or therapy. It didn't last long, and I believe the reason it didn't last long was because I wasn't willing to really open up all the way. I basically cracked the door open with the door latch still on it refusing to remove the chain latch.

So with these recent two talks, I actually let the door open just enough so I can share what I've been holding in. Not all of it, but I got a good bit of old junk out. One question I was asked was, "Was there ever a time where you felt whole?" I thought about it and I honestly said no. I go back to being a church kid, I learned how to fake it hoping that people would leave me alone. Funny I felt lonely but at the same time I wanted people to leave me alone. I will say that it felt good opening up and not getting dragged or preached at. It felt good opening up about the why. It felt good to have an ear to talk to and not feeling like you're wasting your time. 

I was given verses to read and meditate on. One being Deuteronomy 30:19, "I call heaven and earth to record this day against  you, that I have set before you life and death, blessing and cursing, therefore choose life that both thou and thy seed may live." Choose life. With that I've been getting up and walking in place for 15 minutes +, while doing intermittent fasting 9 pm to 11 am, this gimmick called drink to shrink, and taking my medicine.

Another set of verses I was given was Philippians 4:6-8, "Be careful for nothing; but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God. And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus. Finally brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things." When your mind starts going off the rails, think on these things.

I want to thank all my family and friends that have checked on me and have and are praying for me. I want to thank the ears that were willing to sit down and hear me and talk with me. I want to thank you all for reading as I continue to learn how to love and forgive me. If you got this far, can you please share?

Stay Saved,

Daniel Richerson

Still Philippians 3:13-14

Part one: https://bigdusty.blogspot.com/2020/10/learning-how-to-love-and-forgiveme.html

Part two: https://bigdusty.blogspot.com/2021/01/learning-to-love-and-forgive-myself-prt.html

LEARNING TO LOVE AND FORGIVE MYSELF PRT 2/HOW AM I REALLY DOING?

I've never been a good public speaker. I get nervous and end up trying to get a laugh. I don't do that out of disrespect, it's to keep from crying. I don't like to participate in arguments and debates which is why Sunday School started to miss me pre pandemic. So I type these blogs because it's my way of making my voice heard. I tried the podcast thing which was pretty easy because it was just me and the program audacity, and no one else in the room. So I felt free to speak my thoughts. When I would post the podcast, that's when the hypothetical leg would start shaking. This generation is told, why try to fit in when you were born to stand out...honestly I don't remember hearing that growing up. So my mindset was I got to fit in because I'm tired of my feelings being hurt. I'm tired of caring what people think. I'm tired of being tired. Even at 33 years old, I still have that anxiety.

That's when it becomes hard to like or love myself. I know I should be much further in life. I know that I'm a "grown man" and with that comes responsibilities. So I get in my own head, trying to impress the authority and when it goes wrong, I can't take it. So I end up apologizing for messing up. I end up apologizing for not being who other people want me to be. The pressure from others and the pressure I put on myself becomes overbearing so I end up contemplating---why am I still here? So when I do good, or when I get told that I'm doing a good job or I get told that I'm doing something right, I get emotional because I have trouble seeing the worth.

Some months ago I took a trip, and on the way back, I started having trouble breathing. Not just because of the facemask, but it definitely didn't help. I could barely get through the airport. Messages went out, prayers went up, and I made it home. Went to the doctor and I felt a little better, but not 100%. I was told that without good health I'm not as effective to the body of Christ. I spend the next few months lying about how I'm doing. I would say I'm ok to avoid conversation about how I'm really feeling and doing. That came back to bite me. It's written, depending on what version of the Bible you read, "The truth shall make you free" or "The truth shall set your free." If the truth brings freedom, then that means there's no freedom in lying.

Now being a child of the Church Of God In Christ, we're not really taught to admit that we're not ok. We're not really taught to admit how we're really feeling. We're taught to say, I'm blessed and highly favored. We're taught not to admit defeat, but the question comes is admitting that how you feel really admitting defeat?

So turns out I wasn't ok. I wasn't ok physically and mentally. I wasn't ok. Feeling obligated to do things that I didn't want to do. Agreeing to do things because it was the "right thing to do." I haven't realized that I can't help everybody. I have to realize that I can't keep putting my health at risk in order to help others. I have to realize that being selfish is not always a bad thing. Saying no is not selfish. Now it's easy for me to be helpful, but when it starts to feel like I'm being used like a puppet then that's when it becomes an issue. I was told that, "Once they use you up, they're just going to move on to the next person." I don't consider myself a bible scholar but I haven't read anywhere in the Bible that says, saying no is a bad thing. I read no where in the Word of God where it says, you have to be a yes man.

The question then comes, why is it so hard to say no? Why is it so hard to not allow people to use you up and throw you away? To some people it's nothing for them to say no. I've heard it's a thing that has to be learned. You have to learn to say no. I want to be able to say no without having to make an excuse for it. I want to be able to say no and not feel guilty about it. Stop feeling guilty taking my mental health seriously as well as my physical health seriously. So if I happen to say no sometimes, people just have to get over it. Easier typed than done if I'm keeping it 100. Because in my mind that "Golden Rule" comes to my mind. The Golden Rule if you don't know goes like this, "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you." In my mind, it goes to so and so helped me when I needed it, so I owe so and so a debt and every time ask I got to say yes. Even God doesn't say yes to everything, so why do I feel I need to?

So needless to say I still have a ways to go. This was not easy to type, but I felt that it needed to come out. Honestly this is not where I really wanted to go, but this where it ended up going. As I quoted in previous post, "Brethren, I count not myself to have apprehended: but this one thing I do forgetting those things which are behind, and reaching forth unto those things which before, I press toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus." Philippians 3:13-14

Stay Saved,

Daniel Richerson