IT'S BLOG OCLOCK! (MENTAL HEALTH UPDATED FOR THE PEOPLE)

Turns out when you don't take your medicine, there are consequences. Mental Health medicine is on the same timeline. See what had happened, I had ran out and I didn't call in about it...and then the consequences. Anxiety attacks which I have at certain times, are more likely to happen when I'm not on my anxiety pills. I know certain celebs say stopped taken their meds because, "This is the real me" well the consequences have been shown. My therapist told me that taking care of your mental health is just as important as taken care of your physical health. Oh, what were the consequences of not having my anxiety pills? Crying hard. Very emotional. Apologizing to the the air because nobody was home with me.

Before that anxiety attack, I felt like I was having a bit of what they call, cabin fever. Wikipedia defines Cabin Fever like this, "Cabin fever is the distressing claustrophobic irritability or restlessness experienced when a person, or group, is stuck at an isolated location or in confined quarters for an extended time." It's not like I'm stuck in the apartment, I can leave when I want...it's just no where I want to go. My therapist is trying to get me to be more social, and obviously, here I am typing a blog so I'm doing a fine job. Yeah, walking around the house randomly quoting Instagram videos is being social, right?

Ever get real sick of yourself? Honestly you ever like hear yourself on a daily basis and then be like, "ugh, please shut up." That's probably part of the reason people think I can't talk at first. Like have you heard me talk? Are you sure you want that problem? So the question was asked to me, "How do you get up and sing in front of people?" To be honest, I don't know. I just put the mic to my mouth, and do it. I try not to think about it too much. If I over think it, if I think about all the eyes that are on me in the building and via live stream, I wouldn't do it. I try not to sing for show. Which is why you don't see me post singing on the socials. Nothing against that, I just can't do it. It's like asking me to sing on the spot. The whole mind it goes blank. The nerves go into the shakes. 

The question came to me, "Why didn't you call (insert name) when you had the anxiety attack?" You mean to actually use the phone as a...phone? "Well what do you use the phone for?" Social media. Also it was really late at night, and the last thing I want to do is bother anybody with my problems. Don't get me wrong, I usually call my mom or sister when this happens, but mind you the last couple of times the attacks come, I was at work. I be at my station then all of the sudden I feel my mind going to that place, and my co worker, says, "Daniel, you need a break?" Then I go outside and cry it out. I then call my sister or mom to help calm me down and just talk me through it. I call them because I feel like they understand. Last thing I want at that point is to talk to someone that doesn't get it. Some attacks last longer than others. No, I can't tell how long by that attack. I just try to use the coping skills I've learned through therapy if I remember them. Breathing exercises again if I remember them. I do have a paper when the coping and breathing gimmicks on it, I just don't know where it is. 

I guess if you don't get anything else from this piece, I would say stay up on your medicine weather it be mental or physical, and that Daniel needs to get out the house more...etc etc etc. Well gang, that's all I have for this one. Feel free to share and comment if you have any thing to say. Peace, love, and

Stay Saved,

Daniel Richerson

LEARNING TO LOVE AND FORGIVE MYSELF PRT 2/HOW AM I REALLY DOING?

I've never been a good public speaker. I get nervous and end up trying to get a laugh. I don't do that out of disrespect, it's to keep from crying. I don't like to participate in arguments and debates which is why Sunday School started to miss me pre pandemic. So I type these blogs because it's my way of making my voice heard. I tried the podcast thing which was pretty easy because it was just me and the program audacity, and no one else in the room. So I felt free to speak my thoughts. When I would post the podcast, that's when the hypothetical leg would start shaking. This generation is told, why try to fit in when you were born to stand out...honestly I don't remember hearing that growing up. So my mindset was I got to fit in because I'm tired of my feelings being hurt. I'm tired of caring what people think. I'm tired of being tired. Even at 33 years old, I still have that anxiety.

That's when it becomes hard to like or love myself. I know I should be much further in life. I know that I'm a "grown man" and with that comes responsibilities. So I get in my own head, trying to impress the authority and when it goes wrong, I can't take it. So I end up apologizing for messing up. I end up apologizing for not being who other people want me to be. The pressure from others and the pressure I put on myself becomes overbearing so I end up contemplating---why am I still here? So when I do good, or when I get told that I'm doing a good job or I get told that I'm doing something right, I get emotional because I have trouble seeing the worth.

Some months ago I took a trip, and on the way back, I started having trouble breathing. Not just because of the facemask, but it definitely didn't help. I could barely get through the airport. Messages went out, prayers went up, and I made it home. Went to the doctor and I felt a little better, but not 100%. I was told that without good health I'm not as effective to the body of Christ. I spend the next few months lying about how I'm doing. I would say I'm ok to avoid conversation about how I'm really feeling and doing. That came back to bite me. It's written, depending on what version of the Bible you read, "The truth shall make you free" or "The truth shall set your free." If the truth brings freedom, then that means there's no freedom in lying.

Now being a child of the Church Of God In Christ, we're not really taught to admit that we're not ok. We're not really taught to admit how we're really feeling. We're taught to say, I'm blessed and highly favored. We're taught not to admit defeat, but the question comes is admitting that how you feel really admitting defeat?

So turns out I wasn't ok. I wasn't ok physically and mentally. I wasn't ok. Feeling obligated to do things that I didn't want to do. Agreeing to do things because it was the "right thing to do." I haven't realized that I can't help everybody. I have to realize that I can't keep putting my health at risk in order to help others. I have to realize that being selfish is not always a bad thing. Saying no is not selfish. Now it's easy for me to be helpful, but when it starts to feel like I'm being used like a puppet then that's when it becomes an issue. I was told that, "Once they use you up, they're just going to move on to the next person." I don't consider myself a bible scholar but I haven't read anywhere in the Bible that says, saying no is a bad thing. I read no where in the Word of God where it says, you have to be a yes man.

The question then comes, why is it so hard to say no? Why is it so hard to not allow people to use you up and throw you away? To some people it's nothing for them to say no. I've heard it's a thing that has to be learned. You have to learn to say no. I want to be able to say no without having to make an excuse for it. I want to be able to say no and not feel guilty about it. Stop feeling guilty taking my mental health seriously as well as my physical health seriously. So if I happen to say no sometimes, people just have to get over it. Easier typed than done if I'm keeping it 100. Because in my mind that "Golden Rule" comes to my mind. The Golden Rule if you don't know goes like this, "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you." In my mind, it goes to so and so helped me when I needed it, so I owe so and so a debt and every time ask I got to say yes. Even God doesn't say yes to everything, so why do I feel I need to?

So needless to say I still have a ways to go. This was not easy to type, but I felt that it needed to come out. Honestly this is not where I really wanted to go, but this where it ended up going. As I quoted in previous post, "Brethren, I count not myself to have apprehended: but this one thing I do forgetting those things which are behind, and reaching forth unto those things which before, I press toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus." Philippians 3:13-14

Stay Saved,

Daniel Richerson