TRYING TO SMILE BUT CANT

A song I got on repeat right now on my ipod is I Smile by Kirk Franklin. Why? Because I’m trying to. I’m trying to smile. It’s not easy right now for me to smile. I’m trying to keep the faith. I’m trying to have faith. I believe that the same God that gave blessed me with a job in 2011 will bless me with one again, but it’s been over 4 months since I’ve been working. I’m looking but I keep getting nos. I haven’t found that yes yet. I posted a podcast yesterday trying to motivate myself to chase my dreams yet 24 hours later, I find it hard to put a smile on my face. (I’ll post the link to the podcast at the end of this blog) This coming from a guy that when I was a kid I would go up to anybody that had a camera and say, “cheese” I’m that guy. This coming from a guy that when I smile, people actually compliment it. This coming from a guy that wants to be an entertainer one day. That wants to be that guy with a tux on making people laugh. Here I am in this apartment trying to find a smile through all this crap I put myself through.


I’m not going to sit here and blame the devil for my troubles. He gets too much credit for stuff already. This is all from bad decisions I made. This is why I’m finding it hard to smile. When I do smile people don’t believe it’s genuine. I get this, “What are you smiling for?” or “What’s wrong with you?” Like I’m not capable of smiling! Getting judged for trying to be positive. What goes around comes back around. I think that this may be that kind of scenario for me.

I should be in a good mood though despite of my situation. A young buck I know just graduated from high school. I still got a place to sleep. I still got food to eat. Yet due to bad decisions and bad management of certain things, I’m sitting here with my bottom lip on the floor.

I get jealous of my little sister. No lie. She’s working. She got her license before I did. She went to college and graduated. I went to college and left. She’s always smiling and has this amazing faith. I’m always frowning and don’t have enough faith to make up the size of a mustard seed. She would get folks calling her, to check on her. My phone would stay silent. She loves people. I turn them away. She’s the daughter the calls mom every day. She has a good relationship with mom and dad. I don’t. I turn away when they try to help. Last time I talked to my mom on the phone was May 22. My 26th birthday. She’s done all these things for me, and I’m that ungrateful child. My sister on the other hand she’s grateful for everything. I take things for granted. My sister calls me the best big brother. I see myself as the big brother that would bully her when we were kids.

Why am I like this? I don’t know dude. I never thought as a kid that my life would be like this. Forgive me for this y’all. I know this is not the most positive blog I’ve ever wrote but like I told y’all before, I don’t talk to nobody. So I get my feelings out this way. I know I’ll make it through this period of my life. Like the old song says, “I know somehow, I know someway, we’re gonna make it.” It’s just tough man.

The problem with writing a blog like this is that I don’t know how to end it. I guess I’ll end this with what my pastor told me some time ago in his office. He quoted the 24th Psalm “Lift up your heads, O ye gates; and be ye lift up, ye everlasting doors; and the King of glory shall come in. Who is this King of glory? The LORD strong and mighty, the LORD mighty in battle. Lift up your heads, O ye gates; even lift them up, ye everlasting doors; and the King of glory shall come in. Who is this King of glory? The LORD of hosts, he is the King of glory.”

Stay Saved,

Daniel Richerson

http://www.facebook.com/bigdusty
http://www.twitter.com/big_dusty
http://eastsideafro.podomatic.com/entry/2013-06-03T23_45_01-07_00 (the podcast)

BLOG FOR THE DEPRESSED AND STRESSED

Cue That Ain’t Nothin by Fred Hammond. Double negatives…nothing negative about the song though. BLOG!

Some of us are just waiting for that release that Donald Lawrence talking about. Stressed and worn out because of the job, family, and/or church. Proverbs 16:3, “Commit thy works unto the Lord, and thy thoughts shall be established.” I’ve been saying this for years on podcasts and on these blogs. Let Go and Let God. The holla you feel like doing. That dance you feel in your feet. Let go. That might be your release right there. I don’t know about your church but when I go to church my pastor always tells us to praise like we lost our minds and we give God a clap. And a quiet, “Hallelujah.” Yeah, that’s losing your mind. We are all going through something. So we have no right to judge your praise. I have no right to judge your praise. If I ever truly let go I probably wouldn’t be in half the pickles I put myself in. Matthew 11:28, “Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.”  When you hear folks say Give it to Jesus, it’s more than a good saying. It’s a command to help you get out of that depression and to relieve that stress. I heard Marvin Sapp say one time that Praise is a stress reliever. We continue to give God what we call praise and wonder why we’re still stressed and depressed. Let Go and let God.

1 Peter 5:7, “Casting all your care upon him, for he careth for you.” If nobody else cares, God does. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a time where the Saints of the most high God be so stressed out and depressed. What if we tried to cast our care upon Jesus? What if we tried to praise God like we lost our minds? Song says, “Have you tried, Jesus? He’s all right.” You try drugs, late night YouTube videos, alcohol, or whatever else you think lightens up the pressure of the world, yet we put Jesus last. Why? Try Jesus first some time. You may be surprised. He just may work.

Don’t be ashamed to be saved. Don’t be ashamed to be a church boy or church girl. Don’t be ashamed to be a Jesus fan. If you’re like me, you’re around dirty talk all day. And you feel like I can’t live saved around this. I can’t live right around that. I can’t stay saved in this environment. Song says, “Though trials come on every hand, I feel like going on.” Test and trials come to make us, what? Strong. The more you hold on and stay saved, the stronger you become. If Steve Harvey can try the Word of God and have it work for him…what’s your excuse?

I may never make it as a YouTube celebrity. I may never become a bestselling author. I may never record a Grammy worthy single or album. I may never learn how to play a lead guitar or organ. I may never get married. I may never be skinny. I may never be somebody’s love interest. I may never get another comment on these blogs ever again. I may never get another pat on the back. I just know that after all the stuff I’ve done in my life, I’m still here. I just know that God cares for me. I just know that only what I do for Christ will last. I just know that I have a purpose because if there wasn’t a purpose for me, I wouldn’t be here typing this blog. I’ve been depressed and stressed over stuff that doesn’t make any sense. I’m just telling what I know. I’ve been lonely with family around me. I’m a child of God. God is the king of kings and Lord or Lords. God is ruler over everything. He said that He’ll never leave us nor forsake us. So if my dreams never become fulfilled, I got to know I’m living to please God. I’m living for that well done thy good and faithful servant. I’m living to serve.

Don’t get me wrong. I want some of those things listed above to happen in my life, but it’s not the end all be all. I don’t know if I’m right on any of this. I may be wrong. I may be out of my mind. John 16:33, “These things I have spoken unto you, that in me ye might have peace. In the world ye shall have tribulation:  but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world.” That was Jesus talking.  Somebody asked me at work what do I do on my spare time, I told her about the blogs, and she asked me about verses in the Bible about overcoming stress and depression. I didn’t know how to answer, but this gay guy that says some of the dirtiest stuff I’ve ever heard spat out some verses. I guess if God can use a donkey…either way. I guess this blog is just my response to her and to anybody else that may be going through stress and or depression.

Stay Saved,
Daniel Richerson
Twitter and Instagram @Big_Dusty
Facebook.com/bigdusty

It's over...

Life as I know it now is done. All that talk about, I don't want to go back to SC. I'm enjoying myself up here. It's all become road kill. As a birthday present, I'm going back to South Carolina. See the reason I moved up here was to get a job and "start my life." In reality, I wrecked my life to the point where I went on a 5 month trip to Collinsville, IL. I've called this a dream. The problem with dreams is that you have to wake up. Come May, I'm waking up. No one to blame but me. I've had the time of my life up here. Met people I'll never forget. Had more fun at church than I've had in years. All that, and I forgot the reason I came up here. On second thought, I didn't forget, I was just looking for a hand out. Word to the kids reading this: Don't look for a handout. Trust me. Not a smart idea. I moved up here and even created an email and renamed my twitter ID with the area code of Collinsville. All that ONLY to not look for a job, not put forth an effort to look for a job...now i'm paying for it. Going back to a place where I will sit on my talent again. I will once again be in an atmosphere that's more depressing than...I will once again be in an atmosphere where I'll be comfortable doing nothing with my life. Why? Cause I didn't do what I was supposed to do the 5 months I was up here. All the laughs, all the conversations, and I didn't do the one thing I was asked to do when I moved up here. So, Ginger, Uncle's coming home.

~Daniel Richerson

Depressed and 19

I'm 19. I live at home. I got saved last year in January. I firmly believe that if you let crap enter your mind, crap will come out. I find myself depressed over little stuff. Look under my eyes, you can tell that I don't get much sleep. My home is not the best, but it's shelter. My father is not the best, but at least he's around to talk to. Being fat lowers my self-esteem a whole lot. I've said before that people don't look at the personality. I realize that everyday, and it is depressing. I'm at a community college while my little sister is going to Clemson. That thought pops in my mind all the time. My mom and sister keep telling me that I'm not ugly. That the right girl will come along. Looking in the mirror, I have a hard time believing that. 

I've always been the "black sheep" of my friends. I never really felt like I was "in." I felt more like the safe guy meaning that they knew I was there, but I didn't really matter. Want to know why I make video and voice blogs? To get accepted. To try to get people to like me. Does my sister have this problem? Nope. Did my brother have this problem? Probably not. So, I guess, I'm the black sheep in my family. I don't know if people feel sorry for me or not. Some where inside of me, I want people to feel sorry for me. Just thinking about it, I spent most of my childhood crying. I would come home and take it out on my little sister and mouth off to my parents. I was a true definition of a follower. I play drums, but I definitely ain't the best. The only reason I get to play at church cause there's no one else there. That's the bottom line. I go to District Choir rehearsal and I never want to play cause I know I suck. I let the Supertindent's son have at it cause I know I would ruin the whole thing. Every time I play for the District or a large crowd, I choke. I don't know why I just lose what little touch I have. 

Think I'm being to hard on myself? Ok then, how bout this. One day I was at a State Youth Choir rehearsal, and the drummer that was playing had to leave. He gave me the sticks and got on the drums. I did aight. Definite not state youth material by any means. The song I filled in for was a slow song. Which was wanting to be played a little faster so the choir could get it, but I just could push myself to do it. The piano player got on me about it and I used some wacked-out excuse about this is the first time I've really played with musicians. Which is not all together true. So after that song was over, they went to an upbeat song that I didn't know to save my life. After about 5 seconds the director stopped the song and said, and I quote "I need a drummer." I handed the sticks to another brotha that was up there and he straight up killed it. the director then said, and I quote, "We got 2 drummers." I was, once again, the odd ball out. Nobody even cared or even noticed but me. 

Of course Dad tried to build me up saying I did a good job and all that. None of my so called friends could see behind the smile sometimes. Most of the time you would find me sitting or standing by myself. I had the mindset where if people didn't bother me, I didn't bother them. Still do that now as a matter of fact. I stand outside waiting on whoever's picking me up with my headphones, by myself. I have no one at Tech I can truely call friend. It's the honest truth. I don't. I don't know why I'm typing all this. Prolly because this is the only way I can make myself heard. People never really listen to you when they judge you before hand. Anybody else has ever been through that? So that's why I type these blogs. It's my voice. My voice to the people, so to speak. 

I want to be accepted for who I am. I want to be more "outgoing" so to speak. I would love to be my true self out in public and take this depressed mask off. I want to sing in public and not sound shaky. I want to sing in public and let people know what I can do. I want people to know that I can do things. I do have a soft heart and I am sensitive. Sue me. That's just who I am. Want to know why I truly grew my hair out? Cause people actually liked me. I was, even for a little bit, accepted. The reason I wore my hair out all the time is because for a brief time, I was popular. It's the God's honest truth. I hate being the loser you know? I really do. Don't feel sorry for me. I don't deserve it. I'm a complete jerk. Heh...well dang. I'm a jerk. It's a trip ain't it? You think you know me...