TRYING TO SMILE BUT CANT

A song I got on repeat right now on my ipod is I Smile by Kirk Franklin. Why? Because I’m trying to. I’m trying to smile. It’s not easy right now for me to smile. I’m trying to keep the faith. I’m trying to have faith. I believe that the same God that gave blessed me with a job in 2011 will bless me with one again, but it’s been over 4 months since I’ve been working. I’m looking but I keep getting nos. I haven’t found that yes yet. I posted a podcast yesterday trying to motivate myself to chase my dreams yet 24 hours later, I find it hard to put a smile on my face. (I’ll post the link to the podcast at the end of this blog) This coming from a guy that when I was a kid I would go up to anybody that had a camera and say, “cheese” I’m that guy. This coming from a guy that when I smile, people actually compliment it. This coming from a guy that wants to be an entertainer one day. That wants to be that guy with a tux on making people laugh. Here I am in this apartment trying to find a smile through all this crap I put myself through.


I’m not going to sit here and blame the devil for my troubles. He gets too much credit for stuff already. This is all from bad decisions I made. This is why I’m finding it hard to smile. When I do smile people don’t believe it’s genuine. I get this, “What are you smiling for?” or “What’s wrong with you?” Like I’m not capable of smiling! Getting judged for trying to be positive. What goes around comes back around. I think that this may be that kind of scenario for me.

I should be in a good mood though despite of my situation. A young buck I know just graduated from high school. I still got a place to sleep. I still got food to eat. Yet due to bad decisions and bad management of certain things, I’m sitting here with my bottom lip on the floor.

I get jealous of my little sister. No lie. She’s working. She got her license before I did. She went to college and graduated. I went to college and left. She’s always smiling and has this amazing faith. I’m always frowning and don’t have enough faith to make up the size of a mustard seed. She would get folks calling her, to check on her. My phone would stay silent. She loves people. I turn them away. She’s the daughter the calls mom every day. She has a good relationship with mom and dad. I don’t. I turn away when they try to help. Last time I talked to my mom on the phone was May 22. My 26th birthday. She’s done all these things for me, and I’m that ungrateful child. My sister on the other hand she’s grateful for everything. I take things for granted. My sister calls me the best big brother. I see myself as the big brother that would bully her when we were kids.

Why am I like this? I don’t know dude. I never thought as a kid that my life would be like this. Forgive me for this y’all. I know this is not the most positive blog I’ve ever wrote but like I told y’all before, I don’t talk to nobody. So I get my feelings out this way. I know I’ll make it through this period of my life. Like the old song says, “I know somehow, I know someway, we’re gonna make it.” It’s just tough man.

The problem with writing a blog like this is that I don’t know how to end it. I guess I’ll end this with what my pastor told me some time ago in his office. He quoted the 24th Psalm “Lift up your heads, O ye gates; and be ye lift up, ye everlasting doors; and the King of glory shall come in. Who is this King of glory? The LORD strong and mighty, the LORD mighty in battle. Lift up your heads, O ye gates; even lift them up, ye everlasting doors; and the King of glory shall come in. Who is this King of glory? The LORD of hosts, he is the King of glory.”

Stay Saved,

Daniel Richerson

http://www.facebook.com/bigdusty
http://www.twitter.com/big_dusty
http://eastsideafro.podomatic.com/entry/2013-06-03T23_45_01-07_00 (the podcast)